God Gets to Machines Before Machines Become God

Having recently been given an iPod touch, I’m relatively new to the world of “apps.” I don’t know which ones are the most useful or which porno apps will discreetly bill my credit card. But I think I can tell a winner when I see it, and “Confession: A Roman Catholic app” for the iPhone appears to be just that. For those unfamiliar with the confession app, it is basically designed to make confession more accessible, and it’s church sanctioned!  It doesn’t replace confession unfortunately, you still have to go to your church and confess your sins to a priest. However it does seem to streamline the process a bit.

The goal of the confession app is to make people more aware of confession and draw them back to practicing the sacrament. The confession app’s usefulness is found in its ability to allow the user to examine their conscience through age appropriate questions and scenarios. These may include things such as “I think my cousin is hot, but I’d never go there because it’s socially unacceptable” or “I got a hand job from the hottest girl in school…but I’m a teacher.” One of those is real scenario from the app. With the confession app users can also neatly organize their sins and what they’d like to confess.

Basically this thing is genius. If you can’t think of any sins you’ve committed off the top of your head, the app will gently remind you. Oh that’s right! I DID run over that hobo at 3am and leave the scene. It might be even more useful by allowing you to actually document your sins. No longer will a confessor have to squirm in their chair trying to recall just how many lines of cocaine they did, and off which boners.

I see the future of this app being incredibly interactive. In its infancy the app can only create general categories for sins and hope to match up with your slights against God. At some point upgrades will be created allowing the app to actually customize to your sinning habits. It’ll ask specifically if you’ve been combing the Craigslist “Men interested in Men” section again. Eventually it will even be combined with GPS and Foursquare to determine by your location the sins you’ve been committing. Spend 22 straight hours high in that crack den again? The confession app will know. Have a few not-so-straight nights at the seedy bathhouse in the wrong part of town? There’ll be a reminder in the morning.

Documenting your sins will be easier than ever too. What is starting out as a text list is going to end up as a full media folder. If you take some ill advised cock shots you can drag those onto your confession list. Say you left a drunken racist voicemail to your minority congressman’s office, that can be transferred over too.

At some point you won’t even have to document the sins, the app will do that for you. With a microphone and camera already installed on iPhones as well as other smart phones that use apps, it won’t be that hard. The GPS will tell it where you are, and if the area has a high sin volume (the app will share information with other phones, thus determining where the most sin occurs).  The sin volume can be both personal and general. For example a public park may have a low general sin volume, but if you spend your mornings sitting in your car jacking it to the kids on the jungle gym, it will have a high personal sin volume.

The camera and microphone will record any sin activity and automatically place it in the sin folder, which you can then review before or reference during your confession. But don’t worry, the information is safe. A confession is a sacred covenant between confessor, priest and God. The app will shut down and lock your phone should someone, say a detective suspicious  of you for advertising a birthday party act called “Mr. Hugs the Pantsless Clown”, try to obtain your sin info (sinfo).

As a Catholic, I highly recommend that all members of the church who own an iPhone, iPad, or iPod touch download this app immediately. It will become your most useful tool for salvation. And at $1.99, isn’t worth not having to remember the name of the hooker being dissolved by acid in your bathtub?

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