Harry Potter and the Sexual Deviants
Let’s immediately move past the fact that I conjured up the ideas below while reading a series of children’s novels. The fact of the matter is that there are a lot of elements in the Harry Potter series that, if applied in the real world, would be abused by sexual deviants. I can’t NOT think about this. But my weird sex hypotheticals aren’t exclusive to Harry Potter.
In Star Wars there sure are a lot of sexy aliens, is it weird to go interspecies in that galaxy? I’m not just talking about Han Solo chasing blue women either, you know Admiral Akbar has more than just a squidwoman in every port. Are the pedophiles of Middle Earth encouraged to do it with hobbits so that no children are harmed? It’s not a bad idea. Does anyone even have sex in Narnia? These are the things I think while reading/watching these stories.
For me though, Harry Potter raises more questions than the others. Part of this is because I’ve read all the Harry Potter books, so I have a pretty decent knowledge of the world. But another reason is that unlike those other stories, Harry Potter more or less takes place in the real world. The action happens in our world, and in present day. Granted it takes place in a secret magical offshoot of our world, but really how different can those people be? I mean a lot of them come from muggle families anyway!
The fact of the matter is that there are a lot of things in Harry Potter that were conceived for one purpose, but could easily be perverted.
– Love Potions: That’s a pretty casual name for what is essentially a date rape drug. Remember how obsessed Ron was with Romilda Vane after taking that love potion on accident? I’m sure there are varying levels of potency for love potions, so maybe kids at Hogwarts wouldn’t be able to make seriously dangerous concoctions. But are you telling me there isn’t some dark, pervy wizard out there stirring up a straight “fuck me” potion? Oh there is, there is.
– Imperius Curse: This can pretty much be filed under the same category as the love potion. Pervy wizards taking advantage of people, muggle or otherwise. It totally happens. They could also use this curse on spouses/partners/lovers who are too timid or creeped out to try something weird in bed.
–Polyjuice Potion: There are a lot of freaky possibilities with this one. A lot. Start with the obvious: turning yourself into a celebrity or really attractive person to get all the ass you want. Considering that a couple of second year Hogwarts students were able to successfully brew this stuff I can only assume that at least 60% of wizards are not having sex with who they think they are. You better hope the clock doesn’t strike midnight when you’re going down on what you think is a gorgeous witch.
The deeper you try and dig into this one the more weird possibilities come out. First you have couples that turn themselves into other people to spice things up. Then maybe you have straight couples where every once in a while one of them will change gender and get freaky. A husband wants to lez out with his wife, or a maybe he’s bi. There’s also the possibility that BOTH parties could change gender for some crazy role reversal action.
Then there’s this: remember when Hermoine made the polyjuice potion in Chamber of Secrets but she accidentally used cat hair for hers? What happened? She turned into a fucking cat person!!! You better believe some weirdo out there would fuck that. Every furry in the world just exploded in their pants.
Furthermore if you’re a hot celebrity wizard, there’s no way you haven’t had naked pictures released. All someone would need is some of your hair and they can make an exact copy of you. Imagine the fortune a wizard could make in the muggle world just stealing celebrity hair then photographing themselves as the naked celebrity. These are the things on my mind when I read these books!
– Transfiguration: People want to fuck as animals, ‘nuff said. This would also be great for pranks. Your friend walking into his apartment to find two hippos banging would be the greatest practical joke of all time.
– Magical Kama Sutra: Is there one? There has to be a ton of spells and potions out there intended solely for sexual pleasure. In Buffy the Vampire Slayer Allyson Hannigan’s character Willow was a witch, and she used sex magic all the time on her lesbian girlfriend. Granted this isn’t Joss Whedon’s Harry Potter, but it still totally happens.
– Performance Potions: If these exist does anyone have sex without them? If you can have a potion that can make you go for two hours every time and fuck like a god then why wouldn’t you be stocked up on those things? Whoever invents the potion that provides epic stamina, orgasmic touch, and 100% effective birth control has about 10 billion galleons coming their way. Which brings me to…
– Birth Control: There has to be a 100% effective magical birth control? Right? Or is conception so magical that it can’t be 100% prevented? That’d be lame. But if we muggles can get our birth control to 99.9% effective I’m pretty sure the wizards can get past that last .1%. The darker side of this is abortion. There is absolutely an abortion spell. I wonder how often Filch and his cat have to deal with the mess of a botched abortion in the 7th Year girls’ bathrooms? Yeah…sorry.
What’s crazy is that this is off the top of my head. I’m sure if I went and reread the series, taking notes on anything that could be used sexually, I could write my own novel. Every time I read Harry Potter, I fully believe that the above is happening. It’s kind of fun imagining which wizard couples are secret freaks, who’s a date rapist (Cormac McClaggen fo sho), and which girls are paying the price of giving more than a snog and fister (my made up British euphemism for hand jobs).
This is all happening in the world of Harry Potter. Read between the lines.