Please Allow Me to Introduce Myself, My Name is…

by haneskc

‘Ello govnah. My name is Kyle. I’m yet another contributor/ “stimulus package” to this blog that is the opposite of “too big to fail”.

Whereas Rob’s first contributor, Domino, pointed out his likeness to Denzel as the minority who has overcome his homophobia to help when Rob’s AIDS lesions make it too difficult to write, consider me the Wyman/ Wheeler of this blog (and this Philadelphia analogy). In other words, I am an asshole. Actually, let me clarify (because this is very important to me), the perception of me is that I am an asshole. Ask those whom I call friends, and they’d tell you (to continue the Philadelphia analogy) I’d terminate you for discrimination and hire high-powered legal counsel to defend and protect my discriminatory behavior.

Christian Finnegan (vH1's Best Week Ever). If you don't recognize him, I don't blame you.

But I’m seizing this opportunity to set the record straight, I have a heart of gold. I wouldn’t be the one to fire you for discrimination. I’d be the co-worker that spread the rumor that you have AIDS, so you can seek help and sympathy (and possibly charity) for your condition. I can’t account for the homophobia of others.

You know what? This isn’t helping; Enough with the angst. I’m sounding more like Molly Ringwald than Lewis Black. And, with this blog, I’m aiming for Lewis Black à la his occasional appearances on The Daily Show. Although I won’t be nearly as funny and not nearly as insightful. To be honest, I’m still finding my voice as a writer. I’m still trying different influences, different styles, different genres kind of like Billy Wilder (as the French taught us film directors are “autuers” too).

As you’ll discover I drop way too many film and pop culture references.  It gets bad but not any worse than any 30 second clip from the Shrek franchise. I attempt to write about the zeitgeist but it won’t be any worse than any given Best Week Ever episode.

Eventually, I’ll get to a point. For example, I’ll write about why amateur porn is preferable to professional porn. I’ll argue that porn is about fantasy, but it’s about a fantasy within the realm of possibility. I’ll tell you that porn needs to be grounded in reality, even porn that accentuates fetishes like fisting. And eventually you’ll learn this has nothing to do with nude celebrity fantasies. Then I’ll ridicule your preference for softcore porn, the least stimulating porn of all.

So as I joke about any given topic within our pop culture with a kinda/ sorta humorous prose, just know it won’t be nearly as bad as any joke made by Christian Finnegan (see photo).

Happy reading.

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