Who the Fuck Fisted My Cheez Its?
As I sit in my office on this snowy Tuesday there are a couple different things on my mind, none of which warrant a full post (or your attention really). Here they are anyway:
- I walked into my office this morning and found my box of White Cheddar Cheez Its opened. All the Cheez Its inside were obliterated. Totally fucking crushed. I’m convinced someone fisted my box of Cheez Its last night after I left. Is this the first of a series of escalating threats that ends with my office full of pictures of me with the eyes cut out? That would be a creepily passive aggressive first step. Or maybe someone in this office had an uncontrollable urge to eat White Cheddar Cheez Its, saw my box, and just went to fucking town on it. These are questions I need answered.
- How can I make these crushed White Cheddar Cheez Its into a snack of substance?
- Despite the fact that this is the second or third snow of the year everyone is still freaking out like it’s a big deal. It’s fucking snow! You live in Missouri and see it AT LEAST three times a year. My cousins have an exchange student from Australia staying with them for a few months. I met her over Christmas. She had literally never seen snow in her entire life until coming here. Her reaction “Yeah, it’s cool I guess…we went sledding.” Unfortunately I couldn’t get her to say “Public schools are so random!” or “Puck you.” I don’t think she liked me very much. Anyway if your life is so boring that you have get excited about the weather you need to find something better to occupy your time. Perhaps you could purposely distort the details a mundane coincidence to convince yourself you have an office stalker (see above).
- Apparently humans have been fermenting wine for at least 6,100 years. Add “getting drunk with cavemen” to my list of things to do if I ever get my hands on a time machine. The rest of the list of course includes getting drunk at the 1904 World’s Fair, getting drunk at the first Mizzou Homecoming, Woodstock (the ’99 version because I like to fucking rage), getting drunk at the wedding in Galilee and showing Jesus an iPhone to see if he’s impressed, and of course liberating a concentration camp Captain America style, but I think that’s on everyone’s list.
- Always take the points Oregon.
- What will the Google Image results yield when I inevitably search “fisting Cheez Its” for an appropriate picture for this article? And will it get me fired?
- In a nice change of pace from me bullshitting you, I have a really neat educational link. As per my post yesterday about the BCS game that rambled into a tangent about why many southerners annoy me, I really am a Civil War buff. I found this amazing project, called Disunion, that the New York Times is doing in conjunction with the 150th anniversary of the Civil War. They are releasing actual Times articles, chronologically, from the time period as well as essays from historians and other documents from the period. This is a daily thing, it’s awesome. I highly recommend reading it if you like history at all.
- Anyway, back to the usual: butt sex.