Out of Tragedy, Comes Douche Baggery

I know you were all eagerly awaiting this site to address the shootings in Tucson the other day so here goes. It was sad, crazy, and tragic. For anyone preparing to recoil in horror, don’t worry, I’m not going to make fun of this event, I wouldn’t dream of it.

In regards to this tragedy, there is nothing funny to say, and there is nothing for me to say that hasn’t already been said.

They look like they live underground...hey isn't that where hell is?

I did however come across this awful tidbit amongst all the other news stories about the shooting in Tucson. Apparently the Westboro Baptist Church had plans to picket outside the funeral of the 9 year old girl killed in the shootings. They canceled those plans but still intend to protest the funeral of the federal judge who was also murdered in Tucson. Of course they do.  They are after all the church that, at this point, blames everyone but themselves for God bringing about AIDS, famine, hurricanes, snowpocalypses, etc.

They picket outside of the funerals of U.S. soldiers all over the country because they defend a nation that allows gay sex and black people to happen within its borders (can’t confirm the second one, but they did boycott Coretta Scott King’s funeral).  I’m sure you’ve read about them before, you know the drill.

The Arizona governor enacted some “emergency funeral protection” law (it’s nice to see that politicians can make up ridiculous things for good reasons too) to keep the Westboro crazies at least 300ft away from the funeral.  That’s a nice piece of legislation Arizona, well done.

Hearing this makes me think two things. One, I’m pretty sure the entire tithe of the Westboro Baptist Church goes to their travel budget. These people are EVERYWHERE.  They have more frequent flyer miles than George Clooney in “Up in the Air.”  I can only imagine how infinitely more awkward their 20 million mile conversation would be with Sam Elliot than George Clooney’s was.

Maynard Finch: This seat taken? You’re the first group to hit 20 million. Don’t know where you found the time.
Westboro Baptist Minister: We do not have jobs. We just steal money from people in our church to fly around the country. There are a lot of fag lovers who have funerals that need protesting.
Maynard Finch: Okay…um…well we appreciate your loyalty.
Westboro Baptist Minister: You know how many times I have thought about this moment? Played out the conversation I would have with you right here?
Maynard Finch: Really? What’d you want to say?
Westboro Baptist Minister: Nothing now that I have to talk to you. Your mustache is something a homosexual from the 1970’s would grow and you speak in contractions, the language of the blacks.
Maynard Finch: ……So, where you from?
Westboro Baptist Minister: Heaven.
Maynard Finch: [to the stewardess] Get the air marshal.

I’d feel pretty uncomfortable being on the same flight as these nuts. Pretty soon irony is going to put a terrorist next to them in coach.

Although I wouldn’t ever fly with the Westboro Baptist Church, I’d follow them all over the country. This is why I need a few million dollars. If you donate to the “make Rob a millionaire fund”, I promise this: as an eccentric millionaire I would dedicate a large portion of my time flying friends and myself around the country following the Westboro Baptist Church? Why? To get drunk and constantly humiliate their protesters of course.  There really is no group more capable and willing to humiliate someone than a drunken group of frat boys.

Really all we would need is a steady stream of alcohol and a water balloon launcher.  Not to mention there isn’t a hotel concierge in the world that wouldn’t let us mess with their hotel rooms. We would OWN them. There’s only so many times you can take off the covers of your hotel bed and find a giant deuce laying there before you snap.  They’d either give up or try and attack us. If they did, what court would take their side?

Well your honor we were simply protesting the funeral of a U.S. soldier because he protects gay people. These jerks, for the twelfth time in the last three months, pooped in our beds before interrupting our rally by making fun of us, shooting water balloons, and playing rap music really really loudly. We couldn’t take it anymore. If we don’t protest who’s going to stop God from giving all the babies AIDS?

With life goals that I once thought were attainable turning more farfetched by the day, why not add this one to list: follow the Westboro Baptist Church around the country for at least a year with the sole intention of playing demeaning and sophomoric practical jokes on them.  I could seriously get like 20 people on board for this.

Anyway thoughts and prayers go out to the people of Tucson.  Hopefully, when it does come time to lay the victims of this tragedy to rest, and if the Westboro Baptist Church does show up, someone will have beaten me to the punch.


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