Train People

So far a more apt name for this piece might be “Fashion of the Train” but I swear one day I’ll have a picture of a hobo pooping himself.  In the meantime, here’s some more stupid shit people were wearing on the train.

Today we have a guy wearing earmuffs that look like they’re straight out of Battlestar Galactica. I also enjoyed his sly attempt at a backwards comb over. The day you have to make that decision is a sad one I’m sure.


The backwards combover, you don't see it coming until it's already too late.

You should note, by the way, the tilted angle this picture is taken at. I had to take extra care to conceal my attempts to photograph this guy. Not only was the train crowded, but who knows what kind of extrasensory prowess these earmuffs provided him. I mean they look like they originally came in a set with LeVar Burton’s weird eye gear from Star Trek.

Anyway, who wears earmuffs instead of a hat? You look like an asshole in earmuffs whether they’re big and fuzzy or they were originally worn by an Imperial trooper on Hoth. The only logical reason anyone would wear earmuffs is to keep their hair from getting messed up, which means this balding gentleman probably has some serious denial issues.  Sir, if you can afford earmuffs made out of rare space metals you can afford a consultation with Bosley Hair Restoration.

This guy had the right idea though, it is fucking freezing today. Every stop the train made was excruciating. The doors would slide open and the token elderly person who gets off at every stop would inch out onto the platform as arctic air blasted me in the face. My whole face went numb, at least earmuff guy had three inches of his head covered.  I’m convinced that if those old people weren’t inside or on a bus within five minutes of getting off the train they froze to death.  Poor circulation, it’s the silent killer.

It’s going to be a mess once it gets warm again, so many corpses lying around the city. I only say that because I assume it’s really hard to tell the difference between an old person who’s sleeping and one that’s frozen to death. Why you’d let an old person lay asleep on the street in the middle of January I don’t know, but that’s not the point. The point is our streets are lined with carcasses of the elderly!

Don't trust that smile.

As long as it remains this cold and I’m reduced to a shivering child for a solid minute at every stop these decrepit passengers are my second least favorite people on the train.  The first is the park ranger who always stares at me, everyday. Every.Day. It’s disconcerting because park ranger has got to be one of the top ten jobs with major potential to produce a serial killer. Of course nothing will ever top unemployed mortician.

I guess the guy works down by the Arch since the grounds are run by the National Park Services, I don’t know what else a park ranger would be doing downtown.  I’m not sure if he’s armed, although the way he looks at me he’s definitely packing. Dirty, sick park ranger. If you ever find my violated corpse in the Mississippi River, it was him…or I went to the east side in which case it was him or anyone from East St. Louis.  Fucking train people.

One Response to “Train People”
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  1. […] Forget guys with weird earmuffs.  Forget graffiti. THIS is why I started writing about the people I see on the train.  Today we have a very special edition of “Train People”, the cat lady edition. No descriptive paragraphs can do justice to the scene that unfolded in front of me on this morning’s commute.  I’m simply going to provide the scene and cat lady dialogue, most of which I transcribed on my cell phone, the rest is from memory. […]

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