I’m a Whole New Man


I am not the man you thought I was. More importantly, I’m not the man I thought I was. I’ve just found out news that, frankly, has shaken me to the core. My astrological sign has apparently changed, and with it, my soul. MY SOUL!

I’ve spent my entire life thinking that I was a Pisces. Being born on February 24th, that was my assigned astrological sign.  Now, according to a recalculation of the signs back to the original Babylonian interpretation of them, I am an Aquarius.

This news is life altering, I’m not sure how to respond to it, I’m confused. I don’t blame the astrologers who called for this recalculation. The Babylonians were, after all, a wise people.  I’ve said for years that we should all think and act more like goat herding idolaters. You know what they say: Life with Nebuchadnezzar was never better!

But what does this mean for me? Once a Pisces, now an Aquarius.  What will change? What has changed? A lot, already. There are some big differences between Pisces and Aquarius. I’ll lay them out:

PISCES AQUARIUS
Imaginative and sensitive Friendly and Humanitarian
Compassionate and Kind Honest and Loyal
Color: Sea Foam Green Color: Turquoise
Submissive Strong personality
Jobs: Secretary, Librarian, Nurse Jobs: Actor, Historian, Astronomer
Likes: Solitude to dream in, mystery in all its guises, the ridiculous Likes: Dreaming and planning for the future, thinking of the past, having fun
Dislikes: the obvious, know-it-alls, pedantry Dislikes: Excessive loneliness, the ordinary, being idealistic
Escapist Perverse and unpredictable

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It’s night and day. For one I nearly ripped off the sea foam green tie I wore to work today. I was disgusted by it. Now all I can see is turquoise.  But which color now gets me sexually aroused is the least of my concerns (I’ll never feel comfortable watching the Blues play the San Jose Sharks again by the way).

The personality changes are what’s really startling me. This morning on the train when someone asked me for the time, I looked them right in the eye, and instead of giving my usual kind response, I gave them the time in what can only be described as a friendly tone. Who am I?

So long to being imaginative too, instead I can look forward to dreaming and planning about the future. But all that dreaming can’t be done in solitude, because I hate loneliness now. I’ve been freaking out in my office all morning. I’ve begged like six different people to share an office with me. Back in the old days I used to lock myself in a closet and dream for hours. I’d sit there in the dark dreaming about magic, outer space, Josh Selby’s knees exploding, you know just whatever came to mind.

As an idealistic Pisces I looked at my former symbol with reverence, as a perverse Aquarius all I see are two fish 69'ing

At least my submissive personality has been replaced with a strong one. If only it had come sooner, like when my neighbor old man McGillicutty would smack me with his belt every time I’d hit a ball into his yard. Well tonight I’m going to head over to his house and beat the shit out of that old douche bag. I’ve been dreaming about these future plans all morning.

I have a feeling being an Aquarius is going to get me into some trouble. Now that I’m perverse and unpredictable I’ve been doing some ill advised things.  The transition hasn’t been gradual either. Instead of responding to suggestive statements with a few simple “that’s what she said” jokes I’ve literally just started flashing my genitals at anything with eyeballs.  It’s like a drug to me.

I suppose being an Aquarius will allow me to raise my career expectations though.  The types of job my new zodiac sign is suited for are definitely more high profile. Now instead of being a secretary I can have one, and of course constantly sexually harass her due to my newfound perverse unpredictability.

Hopefully she doesn’t sue me for sexual harassment. I’d be so loyal to her because she’d be a valued employee that I’d probably testify against myself, and Lord knows I’d be honest about it.  But hey I like to have fun now, and she’d have known that when she interviewed for the job (again, I’m honest).  I don’t care how many times I paint my wiener to look like her stapler and rest it on her desk, she’ll have to be open minded enough to deal with it.

I hope I can get to this reality soon.  I don’t know what’s going to be more fun, dreaming and planning about this future, living in those perverse and unpredictable moments, or reminiscing about the past when it’s all over. I should clarify that we’ll be working in a museum dedicated to household plastics. I don’t want to get too imaginative about this scenario. In fact I should move on, I’m getting a little escapist here. I’m not a Pisces anymore after all.

This new me won’t be so bad. It’s just the getting used to that will be tough. So long compassionate Rob, hello Rob the humanitarian, and so on and so forth.  I hope that if you too have switched astrological signs that you will have the strength to make this transition a happy one.  There will be a lot of big changes, obviously, but aren’t we actually just finding out who we really are? I know am **flashes genitals, runs away**

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