The Geriatric That Took My Breath Away

Yesterday I went to a basketball game. It was a good game and we won. All in all I had an enjoyable time watching giant men jump up against each other. That’s not what I want to talk to you about though, I want to bring your attention to the phenomena of old folks in young people’s clothing.

What peaked my fascination in this admittedly strange topic was a couple sitting in the row in front of me at the game. The gentleman was a real silver fox, not yet super saggy and with a slim body shape.  I would put him somewhere between the guy that put on black face in Mad Men and Al Franken. He was dressed in a sporty polo accented with the team’s colors and a pair of jeans that looked like they cost well over $100. They didn’t make his ass look like it was worth that much though. (Oh yes I did!)

As for his wife, I always look for the ring (it’s a reflex after this one time in college). She brought a pink iPhone that she diligently stared at to avoid feigning any interest in the game she paid to see.  She too had a team related shirt but here’s the icing on the cake, the broad had on leggings.

Now everyone knows leggings are an affront to our society, though I just bought a pair of long john pants that I’ve been wearing around the house so I’m starting to understand the appeal. The thing is she pulled it off, she looked GOOD. I’m talking get the Astroglide so we can get grandma ready to go, good. You see, old ladies do not secrete vaginal mucus. At any rate, I would do her.

This got me thinking about my own lack of fashion sense and how different age levels affect what’s viewed as appropriate clothing. For the most part I dress like an asshole, I own maybe two items of clothing that would be considered ‘in-style’ in 2011, this is partly due to my affinity for Star Wars t-shirts as well as plaid and argyle patterns. I really shouldn’t be judging anyone, but of course I’m going to, generation by generation.

When you’re a kid your parents dress you everyday. You don’t have to give it any thought, instead you can just dream about that Snack Pack all morning. In high school no one has their shit together but everyone definitely tries. Hard. I wish I could discuss high school fashion more but all I really remember is the thong the junior girl sitting in front of me in art class always had riding a little too high.

I’m not sure what happens in college but everyone reverts back to not caring about their appearance again. College kids really are just over sized toddlers with booze instead of juice boxes. Girls throw on leggings, huge sunglasses, and sweat shirts.

Guys are always seen in gym shorts and t-shirts. Granted, people dress up to go out to drink but even then there is a specific dress code of slutty top or dress and heels for girls and polo or button down for guys, not real imaginative if you ask me.

She's got the right idea!

After college things get a bit different. You suddenly are forced to build a professional wardrobe and if you don’t update your casual look the chances of getting laid plummet even further. Sure, you can add some personal style but if you take it too far, like me, you’ll probably be the topic of many a private conversations about how you’re a tool.

As you get older it starts to get more interesting. It would seem that you can wear just about anything under the guise of comfort and practicality. Why do older men wear white wash jeans and crocs? No, not just Brett Favre. They do it because they’re lazy and don’t give a shit what you think about them. Old ladies wear the most ridiculous sweaters and shawls imaginable but no one bats an eye. It seems like complete fucking freedom and I want it. I yearn for the day I can wear a visor (it lets your head breathe!) with no shame.

So I say to you, old sexy lady, why not embrace what you’ve earned? Yeah, you looked good dressed as a sorority girl but at what cost to your personal freedom…or dignity? Now if you’ll excuse me I need to press my Han Solo shirt so I look good for the ladies tomorrow.


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