Thank Galgameth Its Friday!
It’s Friday which means we get to sit down together for this weekly feature and air our grievances. Though every week we’ll spend a little time discussing how shitty working on Fridays, or at all, is I’m also going to cover a new topic each week. This week, work pooping and the joys it brings me. Now ladies, don’t hit that back button just yet. You all poop just the same as us guys and if you pay attention to my all important lecture I’ll be giving out tips on how to ‘make work pooping work for you’. (My new self-help book title)
First things first, it was cold this week and also, SNOW! My colleague the oh so Foxxxy Rob touched on this earlier in the week he says that we should all be used to it and tougher. Well Rob, you can go suck an abominable snowman’s dick. When the opportunity to dodge responsibility presents itself you grab it by the analogous balls and squeeze, but ever so gently. Here is the way I see it, your employer really has no idea how bad the roads are going to be in your neck of the woods, for all they know you live in the ice world in Super Mario (the only place in the universe that penguins are evil). What employers also don’t know is whether or not they should require you to come in during bad weather because if you get in a wreck they’ll at the very least feel guilty.
This is where you must seize the opportunity, when they are at their most indecisive. The relationship between employee and employer is a battle over souls and they sure as hell aren’t stealing yours on my watch! The first step to creating a snow day for yourself is to make that initial phone call. I like to turn my car on and stand outside so they can hear the engine running. “Hey, bossman. Yeah, I got the car warming up and I’m about to head out, I’ll let you know if I have any problems.“ Step two is go back inside and lay in bed. Step three, call work again, “Yeah, my car got ditched about two blocks from my house, I don’t think I can make it in today.” Voila! Now move on to opening that 9:00am beer, cooking bacon, and getting ready for ‘The Price is Right’ at 10.
Besides the fact that it can be seriously dangerous to drive in the ice and snow it’s not like you were going to get any work done. Don’t let any residual guilt ruin your day, the last thing you need is to second guess yourself. Also, make sure to actually drive around later because driving in the snow is fun.
Alright, poop time. For those out there that refrain from pooping at work all I can say is you’re crazy. I can understand not wanting to use a public toilet but the benefits greatly outweigh the threat of contracting pubic lice. I’ve adjusted my personal habits to ensure at least one poop per workday. Here’s why: when you poop you are getting anywhere from 10-15 minutes of free alone time. I usually take this opportunity to text or read, it’s quite lovely. Also, pooping feels great. I’ve heard people make comparisons to the way anal sex feels and shitting, they say it’s the same sensation just reversed. Now I’m not suggesting everybody go and pick up a butt plug, but maybe the gays are onto something and if so a bully for them!
Truly, the reason I like to poop at work is because you are still making money while you do it. Even the lowliest worker at McDonald’s gets paid to shit on the clock. Apparently this novelty was enough for someone to create the greatest website in the world. WorkPoop allows you to put in how much money you make, how long you poop, and then tells you how much money you make per poop and how much you make the entire year while pooping. Give it a try, its pretty insane once the numbers get added up.
Alright folks, poop and snow, hope you enjoyed TGIF this week. Its Friday, you’re close to being done for the week. The promise of a three day weekend is out there for some of you, others should claim its racist not to get MLK day off and plan a strike. If you need to find me I’ll be slipping in and out of consciousness watching the playoffs.