The (Real) Most Dangerous Game

A Belarusian hunter's worst nightmare

This past week in Belarus, the Arkansas of Europe, a man was shot by a fox while hunting. You read correctly, a man, was shot with a firearm, by a fox, while attempting to hunt it.  The worst hunter of all time was actually approaching the fox, which he had wounded from a distance, and planned to club it to death with the butt of his rifle.

The fox, being the clever and resilient creature that it is, sprung up towards the man, in what I can only assume was an attempt to maul the man’s testicles. The fox then pulled the trigger of the man’s rifle, shooting him in the leg.

The man ended up in the hospital.  Meanwhile the fox escaped, no doubt to tell his brave tale and get more fox pussy than any vulpine ever not voiced by George Clooney.  What tickles me about this story, other than the fact that this is the third largest blow to Belarusian national pride of all time, is that I love foxes.

My last name is Fox, and I feel a kindred spirit to my furry friends. If/when I’m ever a wizard, my patronus charm would be a fox.  If I were a character in that shitty Nicole Kidman fantasy epic, my little animal friend would be a fox. If I were to commit bestiality…eh you get the point. I love foxes, and deplore fox hunting.  I’m glad that hunter got a cap put in his ass (leg).

This story also got me to thinking. Although the fox is an intelligent, cunning animal, I don’t think anyone would have thought it would be a dangerous animal to hunt. What other animals out there would be sneaky threats to maim/kill you if you were to hunt them.  Obviously big cats and other large prey like elephants pose a great risk. But what are some underrated dangerous animals?

Chimpanzees- It’s a great regret of mine that you can’t actually hunt chimps as it is.  It’d be like you were a comic book villain trying to kill a gaggle of super hero toddlers.  That’s why I applaud “Big Buck Hunter Safari” for giving a bonus round in which you get to shoot chimpanzees.  It’s the closest I’ll ever get to that dream, and it’ll have to do.

Chimps are lovable and kind, so much so that people have actually lived amongst them before.  Unlike bears, monkeys are as cute as their dolls make them out to be (a lesson Timothy Treadwell learned the hard way, another fox lover incidentally).  That doesn’t mean a chimp won’t wreck your shit though.

There’s the lady who got Hannibal Lecter ‘d by the chimp in Connecticut.  Also in Planet Earth that pack of chimpanzees killed and ATE an unwelcome chimp that came into their territory (the eight dudes with cameras were cool though).  Chimps have been known to use tools, so my guess is figuring out a trigger wouldn’t be terribly tough for them.  If not they can just eat your face off.

Ducks/Pheasants- I’ve never hunted duck or pheasant, but from what I can tell the principle is the same. Make noise, aim up, send dog. It’s pretty easy to shoot something flying away from you, but what if they were headed straight towards you? Obviously this situation is very hypothetical because these birds are easily frightened.

But say you make a mistake and they all fly in your direction.  You really think you can handle 30 ducks headed right at you? You won’t get off more than three shots. They could do some damage. Ask that Nazi flying his plane in “Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade” what a group of pissed off birds flying right towards you can do. What if there are some Canadian geese in there? Those things are nasty.  I fear the day they develop a taste for human flesh. It’s only going to take one random goose attack for it to happen, and when it does we’ll have an interspecies war on our hands.

Rats- Other than hobos, no one in America hunts rats. I was however watching some random thing on National Geographic about India, and the man the cameras followed was a rat killer. All he did all day long was hunt rats.  He’d usually gas them out of their holes but I’m sure he had other methods as well.

What if the rats attacked in a pack? Sewer rats can chew through metal pipes, what’s to stop them from gnawing right through your bones? I hope you’ve been drinking some goat’s milk with your morning curry, Ishtar.  People might not think something like a rat, or even a duck could hurt them. Even if the animal attacked I bet most people think they could take the thing down pretty easily.

I disagree.  Most people crap themselves when they find a spider near them. I’m willing to bet 9 out of 10 people would be as flustered as an eight year old girl if attacked by any animal, no matter the size.  An animal as disgusting as a rat would make just about anyone (myself included) freak the fuck out.

Manatee- Just kidding, the manatee actually falls under the category of least dangerous animal to hunt, right after blind kittens. You could seriously ride on a manatee’s back and stab it in the neck with a butcher’s knife and all the thing would do is float along peacefully until it bled to death and sank to the ocean floor.

Is there a more fitting state for the manatee to live in than Florida, home of the elderly? Everything that lives in that state should’ve died off long ago. The manatee is the animal kingdom’s version of an old man.  Think about it, the manatee’s two main causes of death are either transportation related (they get hit by boats a lot) or just from being alive too long. The things meander around as if they’ve forgotten where they were going. Also, each manatee’s continued existence requires the expertise and care of at least 3 trained professionals.  Manatee=old people.

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