How to Ward Off Ghosts
Apropos of nothing, I was thinking about ghosts this morning. Once in college I saw a ghost in my fraternity house. It was an interesting and frightening experience. I was asleep in my lofted bed when, for no reason at all really, I woke up in the very early morning. There floating above me was the ghost that haunts our house. Eleanor, as she’s affectionately known, was glowing blue with long brunette hair and wearing a night gown. She was scary as shit. As soon as I saw her I shut my eyes as tight as I could, I was frozen in shock. A few seconds passed and I opened my eyes…SHE WAS STILL FUCKING THERE JESUS CHRIST!!! I shut my eyes again. The third time I opened my eyes she was gone, and so was my morning wood.
I’m sure many of you are wondering why the ghost of a young woman haunts the fraternity house I lived in. You might as well go ahead and holster those “date rape” jokes that are popping into your head because they’re inappropriate. Why? She WAS date raped to death, that’s why. And of course by that I mean she died of Tuberculosis about a hundred years ago. Back then our house was a sorority house.
My encounter with Eleanor got me to thinking about what I would do if I ever came across her again. Being up in my lofted bed was an awkward place to see her. There was little I could do to react due to lack of space. She was right on top of me. It was like that time in Ghostbusters when Dan Akroyd got a blow job from a ghost lady, minus the blow job…plus a little bit of pee (I was scared damnit).
After recounting the scene in my head over and over again, I finally figured out the best way to respond should someone ever be confronted by a ghost. Before I reveal what this response is, I want to give you the rationale behind it.
I’m not sure whether a ghost is always intentionally trying to scare you when they appear. I think it’s a case by case basis. Some definitely appear with the intent to frighten, while others are just curious specters. I’m inclined to believe that Eleanor is just a curious, mischievous ghost. Curious ghosts aren’t out to scare you, they just want attention, which is harmless. But it doesn’t matter, someone who constantly seeks attention is annoying no matter what, dead or alive. So whether or not a ghost is trying to scare you, they are always unwelcome company.
If a ghost is trying to scare you, they’re trying to make you uncomfortable. They don’t want you to be wherever it is you are. What is fear other than extreme and often immediate discomfort? If a ghost is seeking attention, the only thing that will make them not want your attention is a negative, off putting response from you.
Hours of deep thought, the examination of intricate hypothetical situations, and testing different theories on living people who I believed held personality traits most similar to the irrational needs of ghosts brought me to this conclusion:
The best way to ward off a ghost (hostile or not) is to take off your pants and whip out your dick.
Now, the longer you read this blog, the more you’ll come to realize that “take off your pants” is our remedy for a countless number of problems. Don’t let that fact cheapen this advice though. Taking out your dick (or your lady parts) IS the best way to counteract whatever a ghost is trying to achieve.
If the ghost is trying to scare, as I said above, they are simply trying to make you feel uncomfortable in your present location because they want you to leave. What better way to show that you’re perfectly comfortable where you are than to take your pants off and let your junk hang free and loose? You’ve got to be pretty darn comfortable with yourself and your surroundings to do that. The ghost will have no answer for this.
If you don’t believe flashing will dispatch an attention seeking ghost, think about this: The next time someone annoying is trying to flag you down, or you’re stuck in a conversation you hate, pull out your package and see what happens. I can guarantee that there will be one constant in those scenarios, you will have rid yourself of the annoying party. The difference between people and ghosts is that ghosts aren’t able to press sexual harassment charges, don’t carry mace, and will have a much tougher time kicking you in the balls.
I have not yet had occasion to test out this theory of mine, but I stand by its validity. You can be assured that the next time I see a ghost, it’ll see my dick. I just hope it’s not some sad child ghost who haunts a nursery or some random train tracks. I’m not sure repeating “it’s for science” softly to myself is going to make me feel any better when I show my wiener to dead kid chasing a hoop with a stick.