Grocery Shopping is Fucking Lame

Real Food Pyramid

Everyone has to eat, but food costs time and money. So how do you want to classify it then? Food is delicious, food is nourishment, or food brings people together? The truth is, it’s just a big damn chore. As Americans we’re either buying it already warm or buying it and warming it up ourselves. Eating out means you’re paying more than the ingredients cost at a decent place or maybe less at a deliciously toxic one. If you do chose to prepare your own meals then you have to go through the labors of cooking or at the very least push buttons on the microwave.

I no longer get the benefits that some of my colleagues enjoy from still living with their parents, when it comes to hunger I’m on my own. I’m at the point where I don’t want to eat just anything anymore. I’ll eat fast food, the last time I had some it was pretty fucking good, per the ushe. But if it was all I could eat I’d commit Seppuku so fast Samurai everywhere would also kill themselves due to the shame my bravery caused their families. I’m working for a living but the boat for the American Dream set sail sometime around 2007 before I could get on so eating out all the time isn’t an option. This leaves me with the burden of buying groceries and cooking.

Grocery shopping has got to be my all time least favorite part of adulthood. That’s hyperbolic, laundry is worse, but I’ll be goddamned if grocery shopping isn’t as bad as car sledding down a hill in Pittsburgh.

So why do I despise the grocery store so much? In a word: laziness. It’s not because the people that work there are unhelpful or impolite. It’s not because I can’t find what I’m looking for, and it’s not even really the money. I know it will be better spent if I have food at home. There’s just no day of the week that I really WANT to get that chore done. After I get off work during the week the last thing I want to do is walk around a florescent food palace amongst Missouri’s finest meth addicts and morbidly obese women. Instead of this I could be ‘unwinding.’ The weekends aren’t really an option either, usually because I’d rather be doing fun things or recovering from them. Instead I’m pushing a cart around while the screams of children fill my brain as they beg for food they can’t have. Throwing five boxes of Fruit Roll Ups into my cart just to fuck with those kids is my only consolation (it’s pretty fun actually).

Once inside the store the usual routine goes pretty quickly. I like to start with produce grabbing some apples or bananas and maybe carrots. Next stop is bacon. I say this without exaggeration; the three people that live at my place consume a minimum of two pounds a week. The rule has become if you start making a pack you just go ahead and cook it all and someone will pay it forward soon. I try not to make my entire caloric intake reliant on frozen foods but the staples are necessary. Pizzas, hot pockets, and pizza rolls all go in the cart. The pizza is to my generation what the potato was to 19th century Ireland: a versatile food staple that makes up 80% of our diet. God help us if there’s a pizza famine. Then I finish it off with milk bread, more meat, and my reason for being, cheese.

I think I've got one clean bowl left

See that wasn’t so bad, I got what I needed and I’m feeling a little bit accomplished. Oh shit, what’s that? I need to throw away the old groceries that went bad and clean the entire kitchen before I can cook any of this shit? Yes, yes I do. That’s really the cherry on top. Now, I don’t blame the roommates as I don’t really make the situation any better for them either, it just kind of sucks for everybody. So here I am about $60 poorer but with a kitchen full of food. In just a few more short hours of housework I might even get to eat some of it!

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