Suckin’ Today’s Dick For the second time this week I am working on a day that, any other time in my life to date, I would’ve had off.  This should’ve been a three day work week damnit! Here I am though, sitting in my office, doing stuff.  Stuff? Fuck stuff! I don’t want to do ANYTHING! There’s a foot of snow on the ground.

I know I’ve said before that people overreact to snow (and they do) but this is a legitimate snow storm by Missouri standards.  Every school in this city is closed. The courts are closed. I’m willing to bet that there are even a few meth labs closed, and those people NEVER stop working.

Today all I want to do is wake up at noon, eat a hot lunch, and then drink and go sledding.  Oh what I’d give to drunkenly sled today.  It’d be amazing rocketing downhill through droves of rosy faced children who’d be nothing but blurs to me due to both the speed at which I’m travelling and the alcohol that I’ve imbibed.  It’d be like drunk driving through a school zone on a moped.  Is it more fun to hit them or try and dodge them?

But I’m not doing that today. Today is just another boring fucking day. The only difference? More talking about the weather. On a NORMAL day I’d rather be water boarded with diarrhea than talk about the weather.  Having it as the main topic of conversation is unbearable. All the superficial conversations about the weather that I have today will go something like this:

Person: Something something so much snow blah blah blah can’t believe it.
Me: [masking disdain for conversation, general depression] Oh my gosh I know blah blah blah snow blah blah blah snow plows blah blah blah butt sex [act like I have to sneeze]
Person: What?
Me: [stifle fake sneeze] but sections of the roads still aren’t plowed.
Person: I know! Something about their drive to work, something about their spouse hating/being frightened by snow, general comment on the amount of snow
Me: I hear ya! So crazy!

At that point I’ll have walked over to the nearest window and jumped out.  Of course I wouldn’t fall to my death. I’d land in a huge snow bank which would break my fall. All this snow day really does is confirm that the older you get the more negatively everything is viewed. Even two years ago this would be greatest day of the year (until the next greatest day of the year). Now the snow is viewed negatively, and talked about negatively. And it only has a negative impact on my day.

If you have today off, cherish it. You won’t always get snow days, unless you’re a teacher. If you ARE a teacher, cherish this even more.  Snow days and summer vacation are the only perks your job has that can make up for the shitty pay and being blamed for making future generations stupider than the last.  You could pull a Letourneau too I guess.


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