Much Thanks to Allah for Bestowing a Friday Upon His People

I love the smell of toner in the morning...no I don't, kill me

Happy Friday friends, we made it! Welcome back to our weekly edition of TGIF where I will be covering the joys of participating in corporate America. This week: office supplies! (I know, just try to get through the post before you send the URL to everyone you know.)

First things first, the weather has been complete shit this week. The snow is everywhere and one day this week I was forced to make a tough decision. My place of business, like most, does not seem to think that closing the office is good for our profit margin. The roads were bad enough that I was allowed to decide if I wanted to try to make it in or not. The only catch, if I don’t go into work I have to burn vacation time. I couldn’t be happier if there was nothing to do  but get my money’s worth out of On Demand but I have to sacrifice my oh so precious vacation time?

I get a fair amount of vacation and I accrue more every month. But I’ve got plans! Big, awesome, and probably cooler than yours plans. Most of them involve the summer, music, psychedelics, and friends. I need that vacation time to do these things. So do I burn off a day so I can stay warm and away from the snow or do I think ahead to when it will be warm and I’m more interested in things that look like snow? I’m not missing out on this, I braved the snow.

Alright, that’s more than enough complaining. In work, as in life, the little things make all the difference. For me, a Pilot G-2 pen is a little reminder that everything is going to be OK. If you’re unfamiliar, these pens are bad ass. They’ll write on anything, have a nice sleek and stylish look, and are the best for twirling. This little piece of plastic has the ability to make or break my day. (I never said I lead an interesting life). On more than one occasion I have had to confront co-workers that I suspected stole this pen from me. Think “Everybody put your head on the desk and the person that took the pen just give it back, we don’t need to know who you are.” If I ever get my shit together I’m buying stock in the Pilot Pen Company.

Next on my list of favorite office supplies are date stamps. (Jesus, I could put a meth addict to sleep with this post). Date stamps are cool because the act of pushing it down and actually putting ink to paper is exhilarating. Every time I do it I try to imagine something different. On Monday I may be giving the final stamp of approval on the secret government military project that will finally rid the world of French Canadians. On Wednesday I could be pardoning a man from death row after the semen analysis came back negative in the final hour. Give it a try sometime… Mr. President.

Highlighters are another fun item. Have you ever seen a whole pack of highlighters fresh out of the supply cabinet? So. Many. Colors. It makes me want to try to use them all on one sheet of paper. Do I need to highlight all verbs in pink? Absolutely not, but when you’ve made a pledge to not be productive it sure helps pass the time. I also group dry erase markers in this third tier. It’s a shame that white boards are meant to be hung and widely viewed because I’ve never had the desire to write important, pertinent information. I’d much rather draw rainbows and doodles of bunnies playing in a field.

You won't be so insolent without your insulin you son of a bitch

Now let’s bring this post around to its obvious destination. I love stealing office supplies and I know you do too. Everyone does, I think people feel entitled to a pen or notepad every once in a while. The motivation has to be born from contempt, no person I know has any practical use for paper clips, staples, or white out at home. (While we’re here, what the fuck is up with people calling it corrective fluid? Is ‘white out’ racist? I don’t run around calling black permanent markers ‘redacting sticks’) Honestly, I think people look at their access to supplies as just another job benefit like insurance or a 401k. Did you pick up your yearly bonus of rubber finger tips?

Alright, Team Awesome, go forth and enjoy your weekend. Got any big plans? If not, I highly recommend that you watch two of the last three football games of the NFL season. It may not seem that great right now but if the Counting Crows taught me anything back in 2005 it’s that you don’t know what you got til its gone. I’ll be super sad when football is over, but if Jay Cutler breaks his neck on Sunday it’ll make the withdrawal so much easier, I’m looking at you Clay Matthews.

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  1. […] that lobbied and got beaten down by the robber barons for your right to a weekend. And really, when petty theft is the only thing that makes the week go by, what reason do you have to not get Charlie Sheen […]



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