It used to be my thing. Not like me personally, in a no one can do it like me or better than me kind of way, but it used to be something I could do with reckless abandon. This skill is known in layman’s terms as “getting drunker than a Kennedy the night before you have obligations to fulfill.” For the last four years, this meant class or a fuck-off, useless job in the food industry where no one cared how you performed anyway.
However, having moved into the working world, I’m beginning to lose this skill. Lord knows I’ve tried. And lord knows I’ll keep trying. But spending eight hours staring at a computer screen while trying to not look like complete shit in front of your coworkers and not throw up on your work station is incredibly difficult and unpleasant. This has forced me to curtail my boozing habits and relegate my drunken nights only to the weekends. This weekend boozing is where the 14-16 Hour Rule comes in.
The 14-16 Hour Rule is simple. For a weekend to be sufficiently relaxing and as effectively blow off steam, there needs to be a solid 14-16 hours of boozing involved. The rule is not really rigid. If you get more than16 hours of drinking time in then, hells to the yeah! One or two hours under is generally acceptable. However once you get close to only 10 hours you really start to have bad time.
This does not need to be 14-16 hours of straight indulgence. For instance, on a typical weekend, it is usually a solid drinking session from around 7 p.m. for pre-gaming, happy hours, dinner, etc. which leads into bar boozing and then after bar hang-outs until around 3 a.m. or 4 a.m. Saturday usually means a trip to some sort of buffet or tasty breakfast place and the cycle repeats itself that night.
This ensures the proper amount of brain cells are viciously snuffed out by the ethanol. It also puts you into a deep enough haze that you forget that you are living your life on a treadmill. Like you are living your life as an obese person walking at the lowest speed on the treadmill. It’s sort of like, really…really? If you can throw in a couple hours of recreational drug usage, a live band, some sort of sporting event to attend or to watch on TV then you sir/madam have the makings of a solid weekend. The 14-16 Hour Rule also ensures that you are able to be well rested for Monday at work, because, if you follow the 14-16 Hour Rule, you will sleep all day Sunday. Now, I don’t mean out for the count the entire day, but you have to lie on the couch and watch sports, drifting in and out of consciousness.
The reason I’m going into this now is that this is going to be a weekend that is not going to follow the 14-16 Hour Rule. I have to go to a job interview tomorrow morning. Yes, it’s a Saturday, but as I work full time the good people at my hopeful new place of employment were able to schedule it on Saturday. This means no getting drunk for Chuck Brokowski tonight. This makes me about as sad as a Mexican guy, hired to play a Native American, who happens to see you litter on the highway.
Not getting these 14-16 hours makes the weekend seem like a total waste. With only about 72 hours off of work, not getting as ignorant as possible seems like you are just spitting in the face of those labor crusaders that fought so hard, that went on strike, that lobbied and got beaten down by the robber barons for your right to a weekend. And really, when petty theft is the only thing that makes the week go by, what reason do you have to not get Charlie Sheen drunk?
But all is not necessarily lost. There is still Saturday night. If I just start earlier and drink later, I think I might be able to make it to oblivion.