Would You Rather?

I love the game “Would you rather?” At the restaurant where I worked in high school the other young employees and I passed the down time by playing it.  The game was especially fun because our hypotheticals would often involve the daytime kitchen staff, which was comprised almost entirely of crusty old hobos.

An example would be: “Would you rather eat three raw chicken breasts or personally hand make a plaster mold of Elijah’s erect penis, have it made into a dildo, and then gift it to your mom?” Tough one right? I’d go with the dildo though. Three raw chicken breasts would be heinous.

“Would you rather” is a fun game.  But a lot of times it isn’t a game at all. There are times when you actually have to make tough choices. I’m not talking about choosing between your wife and child during birth in a “one of them is going to die” scenario. This isn’t a “Lifetime” blog, no one cares (totally take the wife though, unless you’ve been looking for a way out).  On a side note, even if you know which one you’re going to pick, you have to act like it’s a tough decision.  How creeped out would the doctor be if you immediately shot back “my wife, I’ll keep my wife.” Since when is being decisive a crime? I don’t EVER stop acting like a leader doc! Deal with it.

Anyway, here’s a tough, realistic scenario: Would you rather see “No Strings Attached” with Natalie Portman and Ashton Kutcher or Adam Sandler’s new film “Just Go with It”?  For me that decision is impossible.  I’d have an easier time answering this: Would you rather let your relative with the worst eyesight trim your pubes or ride Christopher Reeves’ horse through a glass factory? Glass factory for sure.

With a “would you rather” like this, it’s best to hash it out.  You’ve got to cover every angle, especially when you find yourself faced with the very real possibility of seeing one of those films.  Here’s a look at each movie:

No Strings Attached

One thing that stands out about “No Strings Attached” is the cast.  It is a veritable grab bag of good and bad actors.  On the plus side you have Natalie Portman, Kevin Kline, Mindy Kaling, and Olivia Thirlby.  I think we’re all wondering what the fuck Natalie Portman is doing in this movie.  Maybe she needed a break from the serious roles after “Black Swan.”  Personally I think she’s testing how legitimate of a star she is just for fun.  Look at her other upcoming films: “Thor” and “Your Highness”.  She’s totally fucking with us.

Then you have the other part of the cast.  Ashton Kutcher, Cary Elwes, and Jake M. Johnson as the best friend who says all the stupid jokes you hear in the trailer.  Every line he has in this movie makes me want to renounce my faith and spend the rest of my days killing dolphins and making their noses into bottle koozies.  Also Cary Elwes stopped being a person after “Saw.”

Ludacris is in “No Strings Attached” as well. I don’t know how to feel about it. But if in the opening credits he shouts “LUDA!” to announce his presence like he does in songs this movie might turn out to be worthwhile.   It’s pretty obvious this movie is going to blow. But the point is to pick the option that sucks less, nothing in “would you rather” is ever a good choice.

Just Go with It

I’ve long held the theory that Adam Sandler has been doing these stupid situational comedy movies for two reasons.  1) He’s lazy and knows they’ll make money so he can do whatever he wants. 2) He wants to make out with actresses he thinks are hot, because he can.

You have to assume that Adam Sandler has had a certain amount of control over pretty much every film he’s done for the last twelve years or so. It’s one of the main reasons he does them.  Look at the actresses in most of those movies.   Kate Beckinsale, Salma Hayek, Winona Ryder, Jessica Biel, Drew Barrymore, Emmanuelle Chriqui, Marisa Tomei, Heather Graham, and now Jennifer Aniston and Brooklyn Decker.

What is the point of most of these women being in those movies? It’s the most transparent with Kate Beckinsale and Salma Hayek.  There is absolutely nothing spectacular about the roles they took in these films.  Adam Sandler just picks out hot ass actresses he wants to make out with and offers them generic wife/girlfriend/love interest roles in his lame movies.  These actresses take the roles because they want to be in a “comedy” and all his films gross a ton.

An unfortunate tramp stamp to go to prison with

Obviously Adam Sandler could get any number of hot normal women he wanted. But in the celebrity world he’d have no chance to land any of these actresses as a real sexual partner.  Deep down I think Sandler is still a normal guy taking advantage of his  very awesome situation. For that I applaud him. Basically this country pays $80 million a year to watch Adam Sandler fill his spank bank. Well done sir. In the end though “Just Go with It” isn’t going to be different from any of his other movies in the past decade. It’s going to suck.

Gun to my head? I’d probably just pull the trigger. But assuming the gun jammed and I had nothing better to do because I was locked out of my house and the tickets were free I’d probably choose “Just Go with It.” You might get the pleasure of seeing a brief flash of Sandler’s former comedic brilliance. Maybe Nick Swardson will say something funny. It’s like choosing between going to jail with a tramp stamp of a thumbs up and a downwards pointing arrow or put on a surprise performance of  “Fiddler on the Roof” to a room full of Neo Nazis.  Which would you rather?

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