Joel Osteen Politely Tells Gays They’re Sinners
When Joel Osteen talks, a lot of people listen. That’s partially due to the fact that his audio books outsell the print versions, but the literacy rates of his followers is not what I want to talk about. Besides I doubt it has as much to do with literacy, but rather with their appreciation of badass sound FX. I say that only because I assume 93% of Joel Osteen fans have called into a radio station at some point in the last 6 months.
I’ve never watched more than a few minutes of Joel Osteen’s television program. I can tell he’s a charismatic and engaging speaker. Of course you have to be in order to hold the attention of a crowd that usually only enters an arena to watch Vince McMahon’s traveling homoerotic (irony!) snuff show. But I had assumed he was a little more…energetic.
After all, when you run a “mega church” you’ve got to act like it. You need to be big. Fire and brimstone! Jesus Christ in the house MOTHERFUCKERS! He can’t keep that act going all the time, it would lose its effect. But he has to have the ability to do it. Osteen has to know when to bust out that take-no-prisoners, you’re either seated at the right hand of God or getting fisted by the left, attitude. I mean you don’t fill arenas to hear people golf clap at your sermons. You want to tear the roof off that fucking thing. At least you should.
That’s why I was so disappointed when I watched this interview with Osteen. Now, I understand it’s hard to get excited about anything when you’re being forced to have a conversation with a guy who started out as a bad imitation of Simon Cowell and is now an even shittier version of Larry King. But Piers Morgan isn’t that bad, is he? (He is).
Joel Osteen, you are a pussy. That’s what everyone is thinking anyway. How can you claim homosexuality is a sin and NOT get all worked up over it? What kind of dickless preacher are you? Now, I should note that I DO NOT think homosexuality is a sin. However, what the hell is the point of me watching a civil discussion about whether or not it is a sin? That’s not interesting!
This conversation got so boring and repetitive that Piers Morgan had to mention that he and Elton John were friends just to spice things up (nice name drop Piers, you douche). This is the conversation I wanted to see between Piers and Joel:
Piers Morgan: So do you think homosexuality is a sin?
Joel Osteen: It’s as sure a sin as my pool boy is brown!
Piers Morgan: To me that’s ridiculous. I mean you can’t choose to be gay. My friend Elton John didn’t wake up one morning and go, “oh, I’m gay now.”
Joel Osteen: Elton John is a sparkly gay abomination, just like those vampires that put lust into the loins of young girls across the country!
Piers Morgan: To tell the truth I’m offended by that! My best friend in the whole world, Elton John, is gay! We hang out all the time, Elton John and I. And he’s very nice and charming and awesome. Being gay is not a sin or a crime!
Joel Osteen: There is an island, set upon a lake of fire in hell, reserved for all the gays of the world! Every gay will burn in hell on this Fire Island! And they will hate it!
Piers Morgan: You know that Fire Island is an actual popular hangout for gay people don’t you?
Joel Osteen: Yes, in hell, where they all belong!
Osteen’s Wife: You tell ‘em baby!
Joel Osteen: You speak when spoken to you harlot wench! Candy in a bowl don’t talk and neither do you, you eye candy!
Piers Morgan: Okay, well Fire Island is a real place on Earth. I went there with Elton John, who’s practically my brother by the way. It was brilliant. We spent days there talking about our fondness for one another. He would say to me “Piers you’re so great and talented” and I’d say “Nooo Elton YOU’RE so great and talented.” We did kiss a bit, but it was mostly because we’re so, like, just the best friends there ever was. I mean…if he were so inclined…he could have me.
Joel Osteen: The scripture tells me that homosexuality in all its forms is wrong! It is the devil’s work! They should all be condemned.
Piers Morgan: You sir are a madman with backwards values and hypocritical beliefs. [To camera] We’ll be right back after this commercial. For behind the scenes footage as well as random pictures of myself and Elton John hanging out and just doing stuff that best friends do log on to CNN.com/piersandeltonbff
What’s more irrational? Joel Osteen thinking that homosexuality is a sin based on scripture he doesn’t fully understand? Or me ending up mocking Piers Morgan more than Joel Osteen in a post that should be dedicated solely to picking apart Osteen’s ludicrous beliefs? It is true that Osteen never studied theology and had only preached once in his life prior to taking over Lakewood Church from his father. To be fair though, Piers Morgan SUCKS.
I guess I have a hard time fully condemning him because he didn’t make any absurd statements to support his belief that homosexuality is a sin. Pat Roberts would’ve strapped on his crazy hat and blamed gays for Hurricane Katrina and the earthquakes in Haiti. But he’s a full on nut. Everyone knows those things happened because God hates the French. Why he didn’t actually go after France I’m not sure. All I know is that I’m staying the fuck away from Montreal for a while.
I suppose that Joel Osteen’s lack of harsh and condemning language was for the best. Ultimately my entertainment is not as important as respectful dialogue in the arena of civil rights. And Lord knows the oppressive tactics of decades past won’t work in suppressing the gay rights movement anyway. A bunch of men in police uniforms trying to disperse a gay pride parade by hosing it down would be the very definition of counterproductive.
So I shouldn’t expect the younger generations of oppressive minds to think and act like their predecessors. Which is a good thing, because those guys were dicks. The more we can have soft spoken conversations between an idiot and a British idiot instead of violence and hate mongering, the better. I take back what I said earlier. Thank you Joel Osteen for politely stating your beliefs, no matter how stupid they may be. At the very least we should thank his publicist.