Realistically, I’d Be Dead in 5 Minutes

This may look like a harmless mime, but he'll rape you and steal your PS3 in a heartbeat

This morning at 6:50am I got a disturbing text message from my girlfriend. It read:

“So I woke up an hour ago to someone tapping on my window”

That puts the alleged window tapping at around 6:00am.  Her room is on the ground floor of her apartment and the window faces the street.  Knowing the part of campus she lives on it was probably some shitfaced college student who had mistaken the window for a front door, or a soda machine or something. That’s what I hope happened anyway. Most other possible explanations for the window tapping would involve threats to her and her roommates’ safety.

My girlfriend said she was quite frightened by this incident.  She told me she wished that I had been there in case the person in question had tried to break in. I don’t know why. All comfort she would feel from my presence would be erased as soon as my face began to get slashed by the assailant’s box cutter.

If there really were an attacker all my inclusion in the assault would mean is one more dead body for a CSI investigator to make snarky comments over. I’m not much of a fighter, and I have no special weapons or hand to hand training.  Maybe the presence of another man would scare the trespasser off. That’s really all I would have going for me. Unfortunately my ghost deterring techniques would be useless on a living intruder.  In fact taking your pants off for the man who just broke into your home is a sure fire way to make a bad situation worse. The only upside may be that it could facilitate the whole breaking in process a bit (you know, if you don’t feel like drawing the whole thing out). It’s like legendary basketball coach Bob Knight said:

“I think that if rape is inevitable, relax and enjoy it.”

HOW did that come up in an interview?

Now do you see? I am a great, red dragon!

This all got me to thinking this morning.  What would I do if I actually had to confront an intruder? Fight them off? Hide under the bed and call the police? Play the murder scene between Ralph Fiennes and Phillip Seymour Hoffman in “Red Dragon” as loudly as possible on the TV to make him think some sick fuck has already beaten him to the punch? That last one is my personal twist on the Kevin McCallister. There’s no way anyone’s coming into that room.

Chances are the idiot chauvinist in me would attempt to confront the trespasser (pants on) and try to scare him off.  If that didn’t work I guess we’d have to fight it out. Whether or not I thought the burglar would flee at the sight of me, I would most assuredly bring out some sort of weapon.  The question is, which would be best?

  • Gun– I’ve shot guns before (a long time ago) but have no faith in my ability shoot a handgun accurately in the dark. That said if your goal is to scare off whoever has broken into your home a gunshot would certainly do the trick.  A gun is probably the last thing that guy wants to see. It’s the best option, but could potentially lead to the most disastrous consequences.
  • Sword/Machete– This actually might be a less welcome sight than a gun if you’re breaking into a home.  I can say without hesitation I’d rather be shot than stabbed by a sword.  Also, were I to wield the blade I believe I could decently control it (see: swing it like a baseball bat).  The main difference between a sword and a gun is that the sword requires you to engage the attacker at close range, were it to come to that.  Again though, the mere sight of a sword may be enough to send that guy running.
  • Knife- No thank you. Effectively fighting with a knife requires skill. Skill that I do not possess.  I am fairly certain me attacking someone with a knife would go EXACTLY like this scene in Saving Private Ryan, minus the soothing German death lullaby:
  • Blunt Object- I think this is the best option. Something like a baseball bat or a sizable piece of wood (fraternity paddle, heavy chair leg, etc) would be intimidating.  You don’t want to get hit by that. However a blunt object is also the least capable of seriously injuring your opponent.  It would take multiple quality blows to truly disable them.  This is the weapon I would be the most comfortable with, but it would be the most difficult to effectively wield.
  • Fisticuffs- See the above Bob Knight quote

In the end my altercation with a trespasser would involve a lot of threatening yelling, cursing, and maybe one or two swings of a baseball bat before either A) The guy ran away or B) Something awful happened to me.

But let it be known to all burglars living in Columbia Missouri, I will put up a fight damnit! Also, as long as you inform me ahead of time, any reader of this blog can feel free to show up at my girlfriend’s window late at night naked and wearing a clown mask just to fuck with her. That’d be really funny.

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