What’s that black guy doing on my TV?!

Last night millions of Americans were annoyed that their favorite TV shows were rescheduled because some black dude, probably living off the government, wanted to ramble on about politics. For those unfamiliar, this was the State of the Union address or as I like to call it: Domino’s Political Porn Hour. (We all have our secrets) Now that the dust has settled, in case you missed it or would rather read a HILARIOUS review from me, I’ve taken it upon myself to bring you the best parts.

First off, I fucking love the SOTU. Getting to see all those smarmy politicians sitting in the same room together, there’s always so much hate and tension in their geriatric eyes! Last night was an even bigger treat when they ditched the partisan seating and sat next to each other, reminds me of having to sit next to that fat asshole Michael on the bus after we got in a fight in 2nd grade. So what did Ol’ Barry have to tell us last night? This could be seen as his third trip up to bat and he’s definitely got some strikes on the count, what will he do? Some of the highlights below:

“The first step in winning the future is encouraging American innovation.”

I’ll be honest, I use up all the creativity I have writing these blog posts.

“We need to teach our kids that it’s not just the winner of the Super Bowl who deserves to be celebrated, but the winner of the science fair.”

Someone is still sour the Bears didn’t make it.

“If you want to make a difference in the life of our nation; if you want to make a difference in the life of a child — become a teacher.  Your country needs you.”

I’m pretty sure this got the biggest applause of the night so will teachers please finally stop bitching about pro athletes making more money now?

“By the end of the decade, America will once again have the highest proportion of college graduates in the world.”

Please. God. No. There’s enough job competition as is, hasn’t he read this blog?

“Within 25 years, our goal is to give 80 percent of Americans access to high-speed rail. This could allow you to go places in half the time it takes to travel by car.  For some trips, it will be faster than flying –- without the pat-down. ”

I’m all for this. Road trips are great and all but you can drink on a train and getting there in half the time?! That would mean at least 6 more hours on Bourbon Street this March!

Midpoint Recap: Alright Mr. Pres, so we need to innovate, educate, and build to keep our dominance. Got it. Jesus, actually that sounds like a lot of work, can we start in like a month or two? It IS really cold out.

On a completely serious note, I think this is the first time a president has addressed MY biggest concern in a SOTU. If there is one thing that Americans should be afraid of it’s those pesky Asian nations seeking dominance. There are a LOT of them. Back to it:

“Now, I have heard rumors that a few of you still have concerns about our new health care law.”

Boehner’s face was priceless as he chuckled and thought to himself “Fuck this guy.”

“we simply can’t afford a permanent extension of the tax cuts for the wealthiest 2 percent of Americans.”

Sorry, already missed the boat on that one, guy.

…. A bunch of stuff about our terrible deficit and economy….

“The Interior Department is in charge of salmon while they’re in fresh water, but the Commerce Department handles them when they’re in saltwater. I hear it gets even more complicated once they’re smoked.”

This guy kills it sometimes. But yeah, I agree, everything seems WAY more complicated after smoking.

“Our troops come from every corner of this country -– they’re black, white, Latino, Asian, Native American.  They are Christian and Hindu, Jewish and Muslim.”

I’m pretty positive I saw this and if their lack of applause was any indication, some GOP members do not seem to think that’s true about our Muslim friends. 😦

“That dream is why someone who began by sweeping the floors of his father’s Cincinnati bar can preside as Speaker of the House”

Boehner tear alert!

“state of our union is strong”

Debatable.

And there we have it! I thought it was pretty good, I was a little inspired at times and confused at others. We got a pretty good new slogan to throw around with ‘Win the Future.’ This isn’t going to go down as a great historic speech but for the moment it works. Up next, Paul Ryan for the official Republican Response!

Will Schuester from Glee?! Oh, its just Paul Ryan.

– 11 minutes later –

Woah, what happened? I fell asleep. I do remember dreaming something about Ronald Reagan having sex with a bald eagle and then making it rain on Wall Street CEOs. Obviously this is a metaphor for crushing the national debt and eliminating government intervention on businesses.

But really, Paul Ryan was fine, if not a little boring. He basically just rehashed the normal conservative talking points so I can’t really fault him for that.

ALL ABOARD FOR THE CRAZY TRAIN!

And the crowd politely applauds!In comes Michelle Bachmann to deliver the Tea Party response. Reminder: This is in no way meant to compete with the Republican response, even though they are members of the same party and GOP leadership didn’t want her to do this.

She has charts! You mean to tell me that the economy was bad when the economy collapsed?! Whaaaa?!

A few minutes later we get the addition of Constitution and Iwo Jima backdrops. And we’re all done here.

Also, people of Minnesota, we are laughing at you.

It was a fun night! To me it wasn’t a home run but at least he got on base this time. That’s all you can really ask for, a little productivity out of one of your best hitters.

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