Playing God, not Kevin Spacey

By Kyle and Andrew Hanes

“Only God can judge me”, fabled messiah Tupac Shakur once proclaimed. Well, we’re about to hit this shit harder than the fist of God. And by we, I mean, I asked my brother, Andrew Hanes, for an assist with this essay.

Envy: Homeless people not named Ted Williams

Ted Williams, the homeless man with the Golden voice, had his 15 minutes of fame earlier this year as his unique voice found a “home” on a viral video that went mainstream. His baritone captured our attention as well as voice-over jobs with companies such as Kraft and the Cleveland Cavaliers. He attained the American Dream by 21st century means.

Well, other homeless people of America, where’s your talent? As you beg for change to support those bad decisions you obviously made to get yourself in your current position, just know we won’t care about your plight of poorness unless you entertain us.  Wasn’t that the lesson of Will Smith’s Pursuit of Happyness?

So, as you nearly freeze to death during another harsh winter (don’t worry, we with access to electricity are doing our best to abuse it in order to accelerate global warming, henceforth making winter living conditions more comfortable for you), don’t squat with envy in your hearts.

As the Ted Williams story has shown us, you can take the man out of the homeless, but you can’t take the homeless out of the man. Since being discovered, Ted’s struggled with his new life as he’s been in-and-out of rehab for his alcohol and drug dependency. Fame is a monster; we wish him luck. No envy here.

Gluttony: Sarah Palin

Even those that missed Sarah’s endeavor into reality television, Sarah Palin’s Alaska, heard about the shots (not violent rhetoric) she took on her show at Michelle Obama’s anti-obesity message. As she prepared to stuff her face with s’mores, Palin mocked Mrs. Obama’s pledge to help fight the obesity problem in today’s youth.

Once again, Palin showcases her talent of incomprehension and uses it as ammo (again, not violent rhetoric) against Obama. It’s dysfunctional, but that’s gee-whiz Sarah Palin. And it’s logic that only the Tea Party would embrace (“Git yer govemint out ma kitchen”).

“S-stop pickin’ on Sarah.” What’s that my imaginary friend? You know, you’re right. Too many people pick on poor Mrs. Palin. How is she even gluttonous? Sarah Palin isn’t fat? No but she is phat. And let’s never lose sight of this fact. She’s really, really, really attractive. Hidden behind those glasses is the hottest woman ever to be a presidential candidate (Sarah, you can hide behind those bookish looks, but we all know you don’t read). You know what? The babe is right. Eat up, America (just know that gluttony is a cardinal sin and “dessert isn’t a right”).

Lust: Ke$ha

Heyyy heyyy your love, your love, your love, your love, is my drug.
I like your beard.

These lyrics are ripped straight from the hit pop song/ lust anthem, “Your Love is My Drug”. With this song as well as her other hits “We R Who We R” and “Take It Off”, Ke$ha proves herself straight $inneR.

Any other words used to prove Ke$ha’s sinful ways would be redundant.

Wrath: Computer Nerds

The year is 1973. A young, modest Bill Gates is solemnly refreshing his command prompt, daydreaming about an inescapable event that is soon to come. Bill’s got problems- social problems. He’s contemplating why he’s surrendering his life to the pull of the monitor. “The future is now,” he thinks to himself, “but is all this worth my personality?” Bill was the social outcast; the quiet one; the bullied; the virgin. So what does Bill Gates do?

He becomes the richest man in the world for seven years because fuck you, that’s what. Net worth of Bill Gates:  $54,000,000,000.00.

Bill Gates and computer nerds alike have the potential to become so wealthy they could ruin the economy if they wanted. Wait a second… is this safe? Should the USA, with its zero-tolerance towards terrorism, exercise a precaution just in case a disgruntled genius decides to get payback on the world that abuses him (i.e. President Obama’s ‘kill switch’)? Mark Zuckerberg, could he destroy America? He certainly seems to fit the role. What if Facebook dies and Z-berg is left with $7 Billion dollars and the idea that now he’s an entire failure?

Sloth: The Amish

Try comparing $54,000,000,000.00 to $0. The Amish are a lazy group of people that never bought into the whole technology craze.

Way back in year 1646 when electricity was beginning to move forward, the Amish (led by strict father Jakob Ammann) thought the future was in farming advancement. Similar to the Asian culture’s vocation of math and competitive video games, the Amish began scoring hundreds of thousands of hours investing in their future wealth through selling specialty farming strategies. “Were going to be fuggin rich”, name says to his wife. “We’d better”, she responds.

In year the world decided they preferred the warmth of electricity. Their farming strategy industry was ruined.

Amish people were immediately struck with apathy. They stopped caring.  Even today they linger in their bitter isolation plantations and live in the eighteenth century, replaying in their heads how awesome it would have been.

Pride: Charlie “Icarus” Sheen

The son of master thespian, Martin “Daedalus” Sheen, Charlie Sheen has been given a nice career in television and film thanks to his father. Although despite numerous warnings from Martin, and concerned friends alike, to stay away from the heat of partying and/ or the white sea of cocaine, Charlie has been overcome with giddiness that his career has lent him.  One anonymous friend recently said of Charlie: “He doesn’t think he’s going to die. In his eyes, he thinks, ‘I’m making $2 million a week, (Two and a Half Men) has the best ratings, I show up for up work. What’s the problem?’ “. With numerous arrests and stints in rehab, Icarusheen continues along his dangerous path; a path destined for failure. Once Charlie finds himself stripped of the career blessed to him from his father, it will be obvious his brother, Emilio “Iapyx” Estevez, was always the better sibling.

Greed: Everybody!

“Greed is good.” This quote, that originates from the villain of the movie Wall Street, made an entire generation fall head-over-heels. And when the Millennials grew up, they wondered how we became so entitled. Well, the truth is we’re all greedy…

James Cameron wants more 3D and Dane Cook wants more material. LeBron James wants a championship and Albert Pujols wants a bigger contract. Hipsters want respect (and so does Kanye West). Facebook users want more friends, Tweeters want more followers, bloggers want more subscribers. Corporations want mo’ money. Obama wants more Nobel Peace Prizes. And all of us want more reality television.

As for us, we’re perfect.

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