Thank Buddha for this Day of Nirvana
And we meet again. Welcome back to Uncle Domino’s weekly TGIF piece. As is usual around these parts I’ll be covering the joys of working for a living, but this week’s special emphasis is sure to be a treat: asshole bosses! Before we dive into that I want to rehash an old topic for a second, pooping. My office bathroom has just one stall, this is completely unacceptable. It seems that the mid morning poops strike everyone at the same, this causes an obvious backlog. (pun very much intended) Having one stall creates two issues, you must wait until the stall is open to go fishing for the corn eyed brown bass and once it’s your turn you’re following right after someone else. It’s all just sort of unpleasant.
Having a bad boss can turn even the most relaxed and simple job into a nightmare that you dread each morning. This is the type of boss I have. I know there are a thousand reasons why a boss can suck so I’m just going to cover mine. Don’t worry; his flaws will be more than enough to keep you entertained for the remainder of this rant. By the end of this post I hope to make my case clear enough that when I inevitably get fired for blog shit- talking the folks at corporate will have no choice but to can his ass too.
For the sake of this post we will refer to him as BossMan or BM. BM is also a common acronym for “bowel movement.” This is a happy coincidence since I think he’s a piece of shit. I want to paint a picture of BM so that you’ll be able to form an accurate mental image. BM is a very large man, somewhere in the vicinity of 250-300 lbs. He has translucent skin, a bad haircut, and wears clothes that are only suitable at a retirement community in Florida. On top of his half-assed appearance he also has serious hygiene issues. I’m not implying that he doesn’t shower or clean himself; it’s just that any effort he does make to not smell like a rotting whale carcass is failing. Also, I have never actually seen or smelled the Sarlacc in person but his breath resembles what I imagine bodies being digested over a thousand years smells like.
To complicate matters even more, BM has a host of health issues that not only keep him from performing the most basic functions of his job, they also gross me the fuck out. Here is an incomplete list of illness he has told me he suffers from: color blindness, migraines, chronic bronchitis, a weakened immune system, insomnia, and he claims his in on the verge of being diabetic. (which is definitely the case) I’m not sure how much of this is true because he’s also a self proclaimed hypochondriac. I will say this, per my advanced medical training; I certainly believe he suffers from Aspergers Syndrome.
Now there are some people that are just not blessed when it comes to their bodies, this is not entirely the case with BM. Though he may be predisposed to any number of health factors I’d bet that the fast food he gets everyday for lunch probably has an adverse effect on his appearance. A routine lunch typically has enough food to feed three people. This is not an exaggeration, I wish it was. Follow that up with about a half gallon of pop. (or soda, I’m not going to argue over this) Now, this is just what I see at work, lord knows what he eats when he knows no one is around to judge. Not to belabor the point but we once went out to dinner with people from corporate and he not only ordered the most expensive thing on the menu but additional sides and dessert. His plate was the first cleared in every step of the way.
Frankly it’s not very nice to make fun of someone because of their physical imperfections. Fortunately, he hast a plethora of character flaws that make me feel a lot better about it. BM has a big problem with what we like to call in the corporate world ‘chronic absenteeism’. I have heard any number of excuses as to why he can’t make it in the office but I never really believe him. This is due to the fact that he is often caught in lies, even about trivial things, and can’t keep his story straight. If he is ever the target of a police interrogation he will surely talk his way into a life prison sentence.
At this point you’re probably thinking, “Hey Domino, aren’t you being a little harsh? Everyone has issues.” No, no I am not. Along with BM’s absenteeism comes a delegation in the work he is supposed to do. Where does that work go when BM has to take his dog to the vet multiple times a week or is out sick for two days for four weeks straight? (both have really happened) I get that work. Yup, Fucks McFatface hangs me out to dry regularly. What’s even more aggravating is when he actually decides to earn his salary pay (I’m pretty confident he doesn’t report when he’s out of the office to his boss meaning he’s financial fucking over the company too!) he complains to me about having to do his reports. The meandering, shit-ass, abortion face has the nerve to complain to me about having to actually do work?!If it isn’t already crystal clear, BM is not smart, nor does he posses any discernible managerial skills. There is not a single coworker that has not honestly discussed quitting because they have to work for him. Pol Pot managed Cambodia better than he manages the office. That’s right; I would rather work for Pol Pot. “Where do you want this severed head Mr. Pot? I thought it would look nice next to the mass grave too!” The lack of any real social skills leads me to believe he’s rotting in front of a computer playing “World of Warcraft” during the 60% of billable hours he doesn’t show up.
Alright, I could go on but you all get the point. This isn’t meant to be taken as challenge to find a worse boss; I know they’re out there. However, if you have a boss you like, or one that you can at least stand, be appreciative for the fact that you don’t have to deal with a fat BM clogging the toilet that has become your life.