The Four Horsemen of the Snowpocalypse are Upon Us
That’s been the typical reaction throughout the Midwest today. At first, I admit, I didn’t buy into the hype. But after seeing the things I’ve seen, and learning the things I’ve learned in the last few hours, I’m about to go fucking nuts like everyone one else. Be warned, what you are about to read is going to make you punch holes in the wall while crying and screaming. Commence shitting your pants if you haven’t already. Mentally prepare yourself for the icy future that’s about to befall us. The snowpocalypse is here, and I’ve learned the horrifying truth about what exactly is going to happen.
As I left work today the freezing rain had already begun. The mood in my office was tense, the streets were no different. The pavement was already slick. But this is the same storm that had originally been predicted to hit last night. I was still skeptical. I walked towards my metro station with my head down to keep the frozen rain pellets from stinging my face. Up ahead there was a commotion. A man, drenched and drunk, was screaming to the crowd.
We’re all gonna fuckin’ die! You think I give a fuck!?!
The front rows of the crowd recoiled in horror. The man had brandished a pistol and put it to his head. He began weeping uncontrollably. In between gasping sobs he took enormous pulls of the fifth of Ten High whiskey he had in his other hand. The sight of the pistol had scared most the crowd off. I lingered however, my curiosity had gotten the best of me. I recognized the man. He was a local TV meteorologist.
I asked the weatherman what had happened to him to make him act this way. He had no response. He just kept muttering about the world ending. Now alone on the wet, icy sidewalk, with no one but me to watch his sad display, he again pulled the pistol to his head. I ran over, pushed his hand aside, grabbed him by the jacket and shook him as hard as I could.
“You’re a TV weatherman GODDAMNIT! Get a hold of yourself! You’re better than this.”
I asked him what was the matter. Apparently I had shaken some sense into him. He straightened himself out just enough to speak coherently to me, if only for a minute. The weatherman reached into his jacket and pulled out a piece of paper. The page was covered in scribbled equations and random notes. Both the front and back were full.
“I’ve been tracking and researching this storm for the last two days. These are all my findings. I…I thought maybe I was wrong but…here, read it for yourself.”
He handed me the paper. At the top, circled and underlined, with the “O’s” made into frowny faces , was the word “Snowpocalypse.” I asked him what it meant.
“Exactly what you think it means. Our whole continent is about to be obliterated by this snow storm, it’s a snowpocalypse.”
I didn’t believe him at first. But he assured me it was true. He then explained to me everything the snowpocalypse entailed. I was horrified. Fear took a hold of me, I could barely speak.
“It’s only happened once before.” He croaked. “Antarctica, 3,000 BC. Ever heard of Atlantis? That’s where it used to be. It’s a secret all meteorologists learn. That and also that tornadoes are the penises of angry sky deities. Good luck kid. I hope you make it, it’s too late for me.”
With that the meteorologist raised his pistol one final time, took a swig of Ten High, shot himself in the head, and fell to the ground. Assuming it was cool, considering the meteorologist had more or less given me his final will and testament, I took the money out of his wallet and ran off.
On the train home I read every bit of research the meteorologist had done. His findings were terrifying. I feel it’s only right that I share them with you now. This is what we can all expect in the coming days, perhaps even hours. We should all be prepared. Here are the phases of the snowpocalypse.
- Evil Snow– The snow will literally be evil. Any snowmen created from the precipitant will come to life possessed by demons and seek to eat as many children as possible. Snow angels will actually rise out of the ground and become snow angels of death, complete with an ice sickle (this snowpocalypse has a sense of irony, making it all the more evil). Furthermore any statue representing an animate object whose surface is covered by at least 80% ice or snow will come to life. At that point the statues will attempt to rape as many elderly people as possible.
- Snow Poisoning– As I’ve established, the snow is in fact evil. Because it is evil, it is also poisonous. A minimal amount will not kill you, but being consistently in contact with the snow for an hour or more will leave you irreversibly affected. The snow will quickly enter your immune system, shutting it down within a half hour. Once inside the body the snow will then begin to replicate. Within the hour the infected will have crapped out all of their insides, which have turned to snow.
- Yetis– Once the frozen climate has taken hold and most of the power has been knocked out, ravenous man eating packs of yetis will converge on the area. These horrifying snow apes can eat up to 500lbs of human flesh a day. They’re also capable of operating semi complicated machinery such as doors and chainsaws. God help you if you come across the path of a hungry yeti with a chainsaw.
- Snowlocaust– Once the snowpocalypse has ended and a post-snowpocalyptic society has emerged, there will likely be sharply divided factions. It’s hard to predict how exactly it will transpire this time, but the meteorologist had some notes on the snowlocaust of Atlantis. The main ruling faction in the Atlantian snowpocalypse sought fit to worship their new master, the snow, as a god. Others resisted, insisting that the snow was the enemy. Fearing further punishment from the weather, the ruling faction gathered the dissenters into camps. There they were worked to death carving ice sculptures in an attempt by the rulers to appease the snow. The countless bodies were fed to the yetis to slake their never-ending hunger for human flesh. When the bodies ran out the yetis turned on the rulers, and the people of Atlantis were no more.
- Difficult Driving Conditions– With all the ice and snow on the road driving will become extremely difficult, and dangerous. The Missouri State Highway Patrol advises that if you don’t have to drive somewhere you should stay home. The risk of an auto accident is exponentially increased in winter weather. Also one in seven yeti victims are stranded motorists.
There you have it. The terrifying truth behind the snowpocalypse. My advice? Call a loved one and make sure they know you care about them. Chances are you won’t be seeing them ever again. Godspeed, my thoughts and prayers will be with all the people who will be trying to survive the snowpocalypse tonight.