My Snowpocalypse Diary
The following is my own snowpaclypse diary, taken throughout the morning of February 1st 2011. If these words be my last ever written, may their eloquence relay to the future generations of the world my true nature and character.
4:17AM– Woke up and almost shit my pants. Horrible diarrhea, no doubt from the late night burrito I had eaten.
4:38AM– After 20 straight minutes of enduring a liquidy defecation being expulsed at such a high pressure it could fend off Egyptian rioters, I return to my bed, exhausted.
5:30AM– I awake to my cell phone’s blaring alarm. I pull myself up and attempt to shut it off. The haze of an early morning wake up prevents me from immediately locating the source of the noise. Before I find it the door to my room is kicked in. My father rushes in and slaps me across the face. He then stomps the cellular phone to bits with his boot heel.
“What the fuck is wrong with you!” he shouts. “The yetis’ll be here soon! Take this harpoon gun and stay low. You might’ve killed us all you fucking retard idiot! FUCK!”
Father tells me that the snowpocalypse has begun. At some time around 2AM a few drunken neighborhood teenagers began to make snowmen. As soon they were completed the snowmen came to life and devoured the teenagers. By 4AM most of the statues in the area had accumulated enough snow or ice to be brought to life and begin raping the elderly. The evil snow had arrived.
“The yetis are sure to follow…just like in ’82…just like ’82.”
6:00AM– I’ve moved downstairs. Mother hastily prepared a cold breakfast. She flashed a weak smile in an attempt to mask the fear in her eyes. She handed me the bowl of Banana Nut Cheerios. I hate Banana Nut Cheerios and refused to eat. When asked why I explained my aversion to the food. Father would have none of it.
“Tough shit! We don’t live in fucking Disney Land anymore. There’s blood on the streets and if I tell you to eat your own dick you better do it and fucking like it!”
6:42AM-Father’s mood has not improved. He threw several more profanity laced rants towards my brother after catching him masturbating in the den. His rage is only further provoked when I ask him how to operate the harpoon gun he had given me earlier. Apparently he had forgotten that he neglected to train me to use it.
I’m soon given a crash course in the operation of a harpoon gun. The lesson claims our dog’s life. Father does not lament dog’s passing. He calls in mother and instructs her to harvest what edible meat she can from our elderly pet. Mother weeps softly as she cuts away at the dog in the darkness.
8:29AM– The past few hours had passed without much incident. Now, however, Father’s initial fear is realized. The yetis have arrived. Father claims their call is unmistakable. For now they’re in the distance but father assures us that their numbers will grow, and soon they will be upon us.
8:37AM– While checking to see that all the house’s vulnerabilities are secure, Father notices something across the street. There is a small fire in our neighbor’s home. I ask if it was lit on purpose. He says he doesn’t “give a buttfucking shit.” The fire needed to be put out. A yeti often finds its prey from the heat they give off. A fire is suicide.
I am volunteered to venture across the street and extinguish the flames.
8:40AM– I’ve put on my warmest coat, hat, and gloves. I take my harpoon gun, the origin of which I am still unsure of, although father assures me that it’s from Home Depot. He further instructs me to “stop being a nosy faggot.”
Father instructs me to prevent the snow from making contact with my skin as much as possible. Although it takes at least an hour of consecutive contact with evil snow to contract snow poisoning, the less contact the better. I head out the front door, into the white unknown.
8:43AM– After hiding behind a bush and taking quick stock of my surroundings I proceeded across the street in a full sprint. The door of our neighbor’s house, the Carroll residence, was open. I quickly went inside. Whether or not the open door is a bad sign I am not sure. My train of thought is interrupted by my father shouting across the street:
“Stop writing in your fucking diary and put the fire out!”
Of course, the fire! I found it quickly and smothered it with a blanket. As I finished my task and turned to leave I heard a strange noise from the backyard. Curiosity got the best of me and I went to inspect.
Out the back window, to my horror, I observed a small pack of yetis gorging themselves on what remained of the Carroll family. Before I could control myself I began screaming uncontrollably. My high pitched screams echoed throughout the house and immediately caught the attention of the yetis. At once they moved towards me, driven by their hunger for my supple flesh. Immediately the diarrhea from earlier returned to me, and I shit all over myself, like, everywhere, all the way down to my shoes. I probably peed my pants too, but there was so much diarrhea that I didn’t notice.
8:57AM– I burst in through the front door, father already cursing at me.
“You dumb fuck! Did you shit yourself!?!? I can see a poop trail in the snow! It’s gonna lead them right to us!”
I ran upstairs to change my clothes, if I was about to die, I wasn’t going to do it covered in my own shit. Down below the yetis began to scream in anticipation of the meal in front of them. Their blood lust was insatiable. Father’s shotgun began to blast away. A painful yelp from a Yeti told me his aim was true.
I ran to a second floor window facing the street. The yetis were approaching cautiously, fearing my father’s shotgun. Forty feet in front of me was the largest yeti of the pack. I aimed carefully and fired at the yeti. I missed terribly. So terribly in fact that the harpoon ended up impaling the one Carroll child who had survived the initial yeti attack and was now attempting to sneak away behind them. The little girl was killed instantly.
As soon as my father began to reload the yetis charged. Within seconds they were in the house, having burst through the front door and the bay windows. My father shouted for everyone to run as my mother screamed. I ran to the stairs to see if I could help but my view was blocked by the glowing red eyes of an angry yeti making his way up the stairs. I turned, ran to the back of the second floor and jumped out of a window. I do not know the fate of my family, but I can guess it I think.
12:23PM– The past few hours have been a blur. I’ve snuck from house to house, dodging yetis and limiting my exposure to the snow. At one point I had a disturbing encounter with a statue that had recently come to life from contact with the evil snow. The statue, called “Fat Man on a Horse”, was having it’s way with an elderly couple. I quickly exited, feeling their pain, for the ugliness of the statue had raped my eyes as thoroughly as it was raping their dry, wrinkled orifices.
A tattered woman stood on a street corner shouting:
“The snow has judged you as sinners and you will pay the snow lord what is due!”
Moments later she was decapitated by a snow angel of death. Hungry yeti pups happily consumed her fresh corpse. Overall the scene on the streets has been chaos. I find myself currently hidden in a garage only a few blocks from my house. I’ve hotwired the car inside but have no plan of escape. To hell with plans, I will leave the city posthaste. God willing I can make it out alive.
12:29PM– Apparently travel by car is not very inconspicuous. Almost immediately every evil creature of the snowpocalypse descended upon me. First several statues attempted to enter the car and rape me thinking I was elderly. It was something I should have expected as I was driving a Lincoln Town Car.
I plowed over several demon possessed snowmen before eventually crashing into another motorist, some guy named Rick. Rick and I exchanged insurance information as quickly as possible but before we could return to our vehicles three yetis appeared from the trees. I just barely escaped as they tore Rick to shreds.
12:45PM– This will be my last diary entry. I am sitting in the bathroom of a home I escaped to after Rick was mauled by the yetis. On this toilet I now realize I am crapping out what is left of my insides. My defecations have turned to snow. I am succumbing to snow poisoning.
I forgot that the night before I smoked a bowl and soon after desired a snow cone. In my inebriated state of mind I decided the best course of action was to pack as much snow as possible into an empty toilet paper roll and pour Minute Maid Apple-Cran-Raspberry Juice into it. Consuming the evil snow has poisoned me. Although delicious, it is now my demise. This is my farewell to the world as I crap out my frozen insides. Goodbye, and good luck.