February Sucks

I was born in February. Starting a few years ago, the Super Bowl has been played in February.  Still, to me, February is the absolute worst month of the year. What about February is redeeming? Look out your window, it’s still cold, colder than ever in fact.

By February winter has lost every last redeeming quality it may have possessed. Sure the cold is tolerable in November. The snow is even charming in December. There’s nothing like a white Christmas! A white February, on the other hand, is something only the Ku Klux Klan wants to see (because it’s Black History Month, duh).

Speaking of which, Black History Month got the shaft being put in February.  I don’t think that February was designated as Black History Month because it’s the shortest month. I don’t believe February was deemed Black History Month for any negative reason in an attempt to slight the proud history of African Americans.  Just the contrary, Black History Month was probably put in February to give some life to this grey dullard of a month.

That plan backfired however. February is such an awful time that now whenever someone reads a biography of Harriet Tubman they get pissed off and have no idea why. It’s because when they were a child, first learning about the Underground Railroad and what not, they were in a perpetual state of annoyance because everything around them sucked ass.

The flagship holiday of February is Valentine’s Day. Valentine’s Day is the worst fucking holiday of the year. I won’t spend an entire article bitching about this holiday, so as to avoid sounding like every fat woman you’ve ever met.  But suffice it to say, this holiday blows. If you have a girlfriend (like me) you’re on the hook for a fancy dinner, some flowers, and a nice present. I’ve barely recovered from Christmas DAMNIT! If you’re single, at the very least it will be annoying constantly hearing about a holiday as overrated as this one. Or, if you’re a giant pussy, Valentine’s Day will make you hopelessly depressed. If that be the case then please choke to death as quickly as possible on whatever heart shaped chocolates you’re eating by yourself.

No one likes a white February! Or you damnit!

It’s ironic that the shortest month of the year feels like the longest. But really, there isn’t a single thing to make the time move more quickly. There are only three sports to watch, all of which are in the dead zones of their regular seasons. NBA players don’t give a crap about February games, and in the NHL 50% of the league makes the playoffs anyway. Only college basketball provides some interesting games to watch. The rest of the entertainment provided to you is a lot of B level sitcoms that are being dumped in the winter and a few good shows who are continuing their seasons. Also almost every movie released in February blows.

It truly is a testament to how crappy a month is when you were born in it, and still hate it. I hate February with all my heart and soul. I can’t wait for this month to end, and it’s only February 2nd. I imagine the next few weeks will go something like this:

  • Week 1- It stays so cold that you start to envy the people you see on TV in Cairo because the weather looks warm and they have plenty of fires from exploded Molitov cocktails to huddle around at night.
  • Week 2- For two days out of the week it will randomly be warm enough to wear shorts outside. However there will still be two feet of snow on the ground, making it impossible to wear shorts.
  • Week 3- The weather reverts to arctic conditions, freezing all the wetness from the melted snow of the previous week. 3 out of 10 grandparents are killed in an icy slip.
  • Week 4- Kicking and screaming it’s way off the calendar February gets stays cold, blowing up wind and making damn sure that the first week of March sucks a dick too. February 28th flies off the calendar reminding you that “you’re my bitch, and don’t ever forget it.”



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  1. […] a frightened turtle. Two: Pitchers and catchers reported. Spring is almost here, thank you Jesus. If you read this site regularly you know about our disdain for winter.  Some of us can only tolerate it by taking hallucinogenic […]

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