The 913 Words Telling You Why St. Louis Magazine is Stupid

A Calf Burger with soft cheddar and our special relish

It’s not often that I like to delve into regional topics on this blog. I want it to have a universal appeal.  Plus it would make our one Filipino reader feel left out (we really have one, I checked the stats).  But today I read an article in St. Louis Magazine that left me both stupefied and enraged.  Normally I only feel those combined emotions after watching a Mizzou sports team play a meaningful game or seeing a hate crime.  Perhaps though, what St. Louis Magazine has done is a hate crime, because apparently that they hate good things.

St. Louis Magazine recently released their list of “The 31 Best Burgers in St. Louis.” Absent from that list was my former place of employment, and home to a burger so good it could catch on in India, The Fatted Calf. That omission is only one of several outrageous things about this list.

Is there a reason for the arbitrary number? Is the number 31 cool? Edgy? Are we supposed to believe St. Louis Magazine is a flippant entity too cool to put in the effort of picking out 35 good burgers? Or is STLMag throwing us a little bonus by giving us 31 tasty burger recommendations instead of 30? I don’t know why they picked 31, but regardless of the reason it’s a pretty fucking stupid number to settle on. I wish I could assume that they found 31 and were just too lazy to continue adding to the list. What’s more likely is that some dipshit editor learned in a magazine journalism class 15 years ago that random odd numbers attract more readers and put more eyes on the headline.  If I had the time I’d give you 17 reasons why you suck at your job!

Another question, why is this list is separated into the types of restaurants you can find these burgers in? I don’t care where I eat a burger, I just want it to taste good. If the only place I was allowed to eat Fatted Calf burgers for the rest of my life was at the funerals of children under 10, I’d do it…often.  Why the hell would anyone make atmosphere so essential to a ranking that should be based solely on taste? Oh right, because they’re idiots, I forgot (it’s the ADD).

The categories were something along the lines of Bar & Grill, Gourmet Restaurant, Chain Restaurant, etc. Chain Restaurant?!?! You willingly created a category that would force you to include Culvers on the list of best burgers in St. Louis??? You do realize you’re “St. Louis Magazine” and not “Arnold Magazine”, right? Inside joke, sorry Filipino reader!

The gourmet restaurant burger category is equally groan inducing. It’s as if all STLMag did was find the most pretentious person they could, and a second grader, and have them collaborate on a best burger list. In case anyone is wondering about The Fatted Calf’s atmosphere, it’s great. When I worked there walking in was like entering a renaissance fair staffed exclusively by hobos and apathetic teenagers.   But it doesn’t matter if the medieval theme were so realistic that horses were taking shits next the meat while eating out of our produce boxes, because atmosphere is secondary concern.

Let me describe to you what biting into a Fatted Calf Burger is like. Pretend for a moment you’ve been shipwrecked on a desert island with Jesus Christ and a bucket of soft cheddar cheese. After a few days of foraging for food, with no luck, you and Jesus are starving to death. Jesus, being the great guy that he is, decides to sacrifice himself so that you can eat him and survive. (Insert body of Christ joke).

After you’ve cooked a portion of Jesus and actually worked up the nerve to eat him, you notice the bucket of soft cheddar that you were shipwrecked with. Considering that you’re about to consume the non unleavened bread version of our Lord and Savior you think to yourself “Fuck it, why not.” Then you spread that shit all over the medium rare piece of JC sitting in front of you and take a bite. Boom! That’s what a Fatted Calf burger tastes like. Eating a piece of Jesus Christ covered in soft cheddar after three days of starvation.

Maybe I should’ve expected something like this from the magazine that ranked La Pizza ahead of Pi in their best pizza of St. Louis list. I once said that I would fuck a Pi pizza because it looked so good. Well I HAVE fucked a Fatted Calf burger, that’s how good it is. I fucked it, ate it, and then pooped it out, which is kind of like it reverse fucked me. We were ALL up on each other. Yum yum.

I issue this challenge now to the editor, or any staff member of St. Louis Magazine who willingly excluded The Fatted Calf from this list. I will take you to The Fatted Calf, and pay for your meal, any time. There is absolutely no way after eating it that you can argue it doesn’t belong on the list of the 31 (SUCH a fucking stupid number) best burgers in St. Louis. If you still disagree I’ll take you to Culvers and buy you one of those butter burgers you love so much. Then I’ll burn down the Culvers with you inside, because you’ll have earned the buttery, fiery death that will befall you.

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