Super Bowl Prop Bets (Part 2)
by Domino Cortez and Kyle Hanes
Will the funniest commercial be a Budweiser Commercial? (Yes/No) – Domino Cortez
Budweiser commercials and the Super Bowl go together like my stomach and scotch. These are the commercials that dominate my childhood memories and set the bar for other companies. So will a Bud commercial be the best? First off, did you know that after InBev bought Anheuser Busch they shipped the Clydesdales out of St. Louis? That’s right, those overgrown monsters now live in a sort of horse retirement farm in Booneville, MO. That’s not the only thing InBev shook up after taking ownership. Apparently the folks at Brussels also found it important to fire the entire advertising department and replace them with Belgians (A notoriously unfunny people). So will they have the funniest commercial? No. Much like the horses, Budweiser’s hilarity is all but dead. I say wager $976 against this bet, should be decent odds, and use that money to buy a more delicious beer; may I suggest the largest American owned brewery in Missouri, Boulevard?
Will Brett Favre change his mind about retirement when watching Aaron Rogers quarterback the Packers, confusing his ability to still play the game with how easy Rogers makes it look? (Yes/ No) – Kyle Hanes
YES. Aaron Rodgers, the successor to Favre’s Packers quarterback throne, makes the game of football look simple. He’s gifted with all the tools. He’s successful. He’s purportedly dating Jessica Szohr (Gossip Girls); he is the “next Tom Brady” (Ignore the MVP trophy, Tom’s been too busy lately with tying himself down to a lesbian romance with Gisele Bundchen to care about his popularity). And on Sunday, he will be quarterbacking the Packers in Super Bowl XLV. And Brett Favre will be watching on TV.
While watching the 27-year-old Rodgers display his mastery during the game, the 41-year-old Favre will most likely forget about the past season that saw the end of his record-breaking consecutive regular season start streak. He will forget about that concussion he suffered. And he will forget about the scandal involving lewd conduct towards a NY Jets employee.
Brett Favre is a man’s man (he wears Wranglers). There’s no way he ends his career thinking we are mocking him over his “small member” (figuratively speaking; literally, he’s right).
Number of times they’ll show the B.J. Raji NFC Championship highlight? (Over/Under 10) – DC
Everyone remembers that amazing interception two weeks ago by the big man B. J. Raji for the Green Bay Packers. This is precisely the reason that we don’t need to be shown the highlight anymore. To be fair, when I played football I played on the line so I have nothing but respect, and at the time complete jubilation, for Raji’s feat. However, just because someone other than a WR, RB, TE, CB, LB or QB scored a touchdown doesn’t mean I need to see it a thousand goddamn times. If they were to replay just his victory dance I’d be singing a different tune because that shit was hysterical. That hip movement had to be born under the guidance of a professional dance studio, it’s so hypnotic. So should you take the over or under? I say over. The Super Bowl is an event where out doing yourself isn’t just encouraged, it’s downright expected. Joe Buck might just be the most boring commentator ever so I assume he and Aikman will play this clip whenever things reach a lull… or when Joe’s mouth is full of Troy. That being said, I fully expect this clip to break the 10 mark. Bet your entire life savings.
100,000 boos will rain down upon the Black Eyed Peas Super Bowl half-time performance. (Over/ Under) – KH
OVER (hopefully). Ever since Michael Jackson changed the Super Bowl half-time show into an event in and of itself, big name acts have been invited to perform. In 2004, Michael’s less talented sister, Janet, changed Super Bowl half-time shows again. No longer could organizers allow younger and more risqué acts to perform during the most televised event in America. Since Janet’s boob exposure, we’ve had to endure performances from aging rockers such as The Who and Bruce Springsteen. This year, seven years after Janet’s corruption of the youth, organizers decided a current (albeit family friendly) musical act could perform during half-time. Enter the Black Eyed Peas.
With a popularity that defies logic, the Peas will share their brand of hip-hop pop to the reported 100,000+ that will attend the Super Bowl at Cowboys Stadium. Hopefully the attendees use this moment to show the world we don’t actually approve of the Peas with a near unanimous chorus of boos. What’s more offensive: the Black Eyed Peas’ popularity or Janet Jackson unclothed? Boo away.
Who will experience more concussions on Sunday: Packers & Steelers in Super Bowl XLV or Anti-government protesters & Mubarak supporters in Egypt? – KH
TOSS-UP. While we cheer the participants of Super Bowl XLV as well as the roots of democracy being formed in Egypt, both events taking place on Sunday will feature plenty of violence. Sure, the protests happening in Egypt will feature more bloodshed, but everyone is now aware of football’s violence due to the increased attention the media has placed on concussions.
How many athletes will sustain a concussion during the biggest game of their life? Unsure, as most concussions go unreported. How many Egyptians will endure the blunt force of an object to their head during the violent protests? I am also unsure and this will most likely go unreported as well. My choice for the bet: the Packers alone. James Harrison ain’t changing his style of play for nobody.
Chance Michael Vick will re-discover his bloodlust when one of his children and/ or baby mamas turns the TV from the NFL pre-game show to the Puppy Bowl. (Over/ Under 50%) – KH
TOSS-UP. Don’t be misled by the cuteness of those dogs during the Puppy Bowl. These puppies play a reckless game. Are the Puppy Bowl’s participants reckless enough to darken the heart of a reformed dogfighter? Maybe. Although, I think the odds are greater that Vick discovers that Puppy Bowls are socially acceptable and finances a Puppy Bowl league in his backyard. Pitbull fighting is so yesterday and illegal.
How many bags of trash will you be left to pick up after everyone leaves your SB party? (Over/Under 5) – DC
This is the first year I’m hosting a Super Bowl party. I’ve collectively hosted with others before but it was never in the place that I’m responsible for cleaning and I don’t plan on getting as many 40oz’s this time. I’m actually pretty excited about this. I’ll be able to make all the delicious shit I want and won’t feel guilty that I made 4 pounds of cheese dip for one person. Bacon everything? Bacon everything. Knowing these people, the cleanup is going to be pretty intensive. Let’s just assume that at least 10 people want to watch the Super Bowl with me, each person will consume 12 beers (probably a low estimate) this means that I’ll have at least 120 beer receptacles to deal with. Add the plates, bowls, napkins, and empty liquor bottles and I’m thinking 4 trash bags. So this bet will depend on how many people and how degenerate they are. Again, the Super Bowl is all about excess so take the over and bet your first born child. That way it will be win, win.
Domino Cortez: Steelers, 21-17
Kyle: Packers, 27-20