They Just Don’t Make ‘Em Like They Used To. (Part 1)
As the Super Bowl looms ever closer, there are some who say this game in particular is tainted due to one quarterback’s problems with “containment,” he has no trouble “forcing plays,” he likes to “pick apart unsuspecting defenses in bar bathrooms in Georgia.” Anyways, with such a degenerate playing in his third Super Bowl, I thought I would explore a player of yesteryear.
When missing a game for a concussion meant you were a pussy. When playing drunk meant playing at peak performance. This man took the Raiders to a Super Bowl victory. This man (and most of the rest of his team) basically had a whiskey I.V. in him most days. He may not have the sexual assault charges of a Roethlisberger but his propensity for whores, booze and all things awesome more than make up for that in terms of degeneracy. The man I speak of is Ken “Snake” Stabler and here are some of the reasons why he is cooler than Roethlisberger.
The Booze, man, the booze!
Stabler played at a time, as mentioned before, when players, and the rest of America, didn’t know of pesky words like “alcoholism.” Fat cats could sit in their skyscrapers drinking scotch or go get hammered at lunch. You could drink in drive in a lot of places. And if you were a player for the 1970s Oakland Raiders, you could drink, all the time. Here are his thoughts on training camp. You know, the time when you’re supposed to get in shape for months of intense physical and mental abuse.
“The monotony of camp was so oppressive that without the diversions of whiskey and women…we might have gone berserk.”
The rest of his team was the same way, every last one of em. My favorite story involves John Matuszak being found shirtless and hammered wandering around the French Quarter in New Orleans, roaring like a lion. You know what he did a mere 12 hours later? WON A SUPER BOWL!
Unlike Ben Roethlisberger, Mr. Stabler was a gentleman (in a sense) when it came to his sexual improprieties . If he wanted his nut, he wouldn’t force himself upon a young and physically outmatched woman. Ken would just pony up some cash. See, Ben, when Ken Stabler played, he didn’t have the luxury of multi-million dollar endorsement deals, he couldn’t demand millions from the front office. What the hell’s an appearance fee? The average player salary in the 1970s was something close to what a schoolteacher would be making today. Now, if Ken can afford a gaggle of whores on his more meager salary. Surely you can get some right? Imagine the trim you could PURCHASE (notice I said purchase, not forcibly enter) with your salary Ben. Imagine it. I mean, come on Ben, you have to be making somewhere close to what Brady is making and he landed Giselle. Even the horse-faced Manning brothers landed some fine looking women.
In this world of media training for NFL players, you get the same old canned responses, but back in the day, they spoke from the depths of their shriveled, alcoholic hearts. I don’t really know if Big Ben has any good quotes worth putting up here, and frankly, I’m too damn lazy to look. But I do have one that sums up Ken Stabler pretty well. He said this in response to his third divorce.
“All I wanna do is drive around in my truck and drink Jack Daniels… and they just don’t understand.”
Fuck yeah, America.
Brokowski’s Pick: The Packers are able to fight off the drunk and leering advances of the Steelers’ offense and win by 10.