Writing an Episode of MTV’s Skins in 10 Minutes
Call me old fashioned, but I’ve never bartered a wheelbarrow to a hobo for pharmaceuticals. Of course, there are a lot of things on the new MTV show “Skins” that I haven’t done. I’ve never taken a handful of “boner pills” so I could have a daylong erection. I’ve never thrown a rager so epic that it turned my suburban family home into a crack den overnight. Unfortunately I also never had access to a train of pill guzzling sluts in high school.
Everything in the above paragraph, plus a whole lot more, happened in one episode of “Skins.” That’s the only episode I have viewed so far. There are groups calling “Skins” the most dangerous show ever put on television. I don’t agree with that. Watching fictional 17 year olds run around like a bunch of mini Charlie Sheens isn’t going to turn the nation’s youth into monsters. Actually witnessing Charlie Sheen do pounds of cocaine and fuck porn stars all the while making millions of dollars is far more dangerous. Teenagers are too young to realize he’s the only human being capable of living through his current bender.
The most disturbing thing about “Skins” isn’t the rampant use of hardcore drugs or the explicit, casual underage sex. By the way, where were all these hot drug addict skanks when I was in school? Did they exist? How much Adderall did I waste on learning when I could’ve been using it to get laid? I’ll never know. Anyway, the most disturbing thing about “Skins” is that someone is actually writing it. That show has to have either the creepiest writer’s room in the world, or the most fun. Regardless, it’d be fun to write an episode. In fact, just to illustrate how easy it probably is to come up with a plot for a show as ridiculous as “Skins”, let’s do it now.
There is a raging party that makes a split level home look like Studio 54 on New Year’s Eve 1976. Teen A wakes up on the floor of a filthy house surrounded by his half naked high school classmates the next morning. The floor is littered empty pill bottles, syringes, and beer cans. Teen A vaguely remembers making a bad decision the night before, but can’t remember what it was, he wants to leave before anyone else wakes up and remembers for him. He gets up to find his shoes and shirt. Upstairs, in search of his clothes, Teen A walks in on a 4 way between the preppy super cool Teen B and three random skanks, all of whom Teen A has a crush on. Teen A slinks out of the room depressed. He finds his shirt and shoes in the hallway, dresses himself and heads to the door to leave.
Before Teen A gets to the front door Teen C wakes up and asks him where he is going. Teen C is a cute girl who has a crush on Teen A because he’s sweet or something. But Teen A can’t see Teen C’s love for him because he only has eyes for the random skanks upstairs. Teen C says something angsty to Teen A to further disclose to the audience that she likes him. She then dildos herself while staring right at Teen A to really hammer the point home. Teen A of course is oblivious and leaves. Meanwhile Teens D through J are doing cocaine in the kitchen and yelling random stuff.
Later, Teen B calls Teen A to tell him about the 4 way he had with the three skanks. Teen B says something along the lines of:
Oh man, there’s nothing like combining ecstasy and barbiturates to make girls horny huh?
Teen A says he “wouldn’t know.” Teen B asks why Teen A sounds bummed, reminding Teen A that he got some action last night too. Teen A doesn’t remember and asks who he hooked up with. Teen B informs Teen A that he hooked up with Teen K’s (the party host) 12 year old sister. Teen B says:
It was her first time huffing paint thinner, she must’ve liked it though because she went down on a bunch of guys after. But don’t worry dude, you were the first one.
We flashback to Tween A (the 12 year old) putting down a can of Sherwin Williams paint thinner and unbuckling Teen A’s belt. In the present Teen A becomes distraught. Teen B assures Teen A that he won’t tell anybody. Cut to a montage of Teen B texting the whole school.
Teen A is freaked out and feeling guilty all day. The school counselor finds out about Teen A’s sexual adventure and calls him to the office. The school counselor says some stuff about consequences, it’s lame and boring. Cut to Teen B and Teen D drinking 40’s of malt liquor after school in the park. Teen A arrives and tells them about how he is freaked about hooking up with Tween A. Just then Tween A texts him saying she’s in love with him. Teen A doesn’t know what to do. Then Teen C comes up to Teen A and is really mad at him. Then Teen K comes up and punches Teen A in the face for getting his sister addicted to paint thinner and hooking up with her. Then they all buy drugs from a hobo in exchange for their notebooks, because for some reason the hobo values notebooks.
Then Teen A learns a lesson or something.
That’s pretty much Skins.