Broke Back Parking Lot

Getting old sucks. Realizing that your body is getting old sucks even more. I am in the midst of a self inflicted back injury and I would like to say, “Fuck! This fucking hurts!” The cause of the injury only serves to make me feel more feeble and embarrassed; I was trying to push my car out of an icy spot. It’s one thing to feel socially old, knowing that the freewheeling days of excess and utter dumbassery are behind you. It’s quite another thing when your body is telling you “Hey cowboy, let’s try not to move for the rest of the day or I will fucking punish you!”

To the real old people of the world, I’ll apologize right now, you actually know what it’s like to have your body fall apart on you. I’m new to this whole aging process. In fact, if my body has reached its physical peak I still realistically have about 10 yrs before I should be allowed to complain. But try telling that to my latissimus dorsi. I think the reason I’m taking this so hard is because I was attempting such a routine task, something I’ll undoubtedly have to do again at some point in my life (or you know, the next 2 days…Goddamnit). It makes me wonder what sort of other things will bring me to the floor wincing in pain.

As it stands right now I’m 23, all I can think about is how this wouldn’t be an issue even two years ago. So here I am, eyes flashed with pain and pondering what the next health issue is going to be. I’ve put together a list situations that will inevitably leave me a crippled, pants crapping, wreck.

I picked this image purely for the side boob

  • Unloading the dishwasher / slip on some errant water and become paralyzed from the neck down.
  • Coffee mug slips from hands / third degree testicular burns and sterility
  • Putting clothes in the dryer / fall in the dryer during a cycle and receive minor burns and multiple broken appendages.
  • Masturbation / a trip to the ER to remove rodents from bodily cavities
  • Walking / slip, fall, die
  • Showering / slip, fall, die
  • Shaving / knick jugular, bleed out on dirty bathroom floor, mistaken for suicide
  • Sex / cardiac arrest (fortunately/unfortunately, probably won’t be an issue for me)
  • Pushing car out of icy spot (again)/leaving work late one night, try to push car out of spot, slip,  fall, become trapped underneath car, eaten alive by raccoons

Real talk here people, getting old is scary as shit. Chances are I’m not going to actually slip in the shower for about 40 more years and the condom holding the gerbils back probably won’t break. What I can count on is every year that goes by the chances a freak debilitating accident increases. So I’m left thinking about how I don’t really treat my body right and how that’s going to catch up with me. At least if I die from cirrhosis or lung cancer I knew the causes were bad for me to begin with, unlike pushing some stupid goddamn car.

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  1. […] I’ll be covering the hassle of daily grooming as required by most office policies. As some of you may already know I fucked up my back this week. In the cruelest of ironies the pain took a day off, I’m […]



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