Thank Hygieia It’s Friday!

What’s up hordes of the internet? Welcome to another installment of my weekly TGIF post. This week in TGIF I’ll be covering the hassle of daily grooming as required by most office policies. As some of you may already know I fucked up my back this week. In the cruelest of ironies the pain took a day off, I’m assuming just to get my hopes up, and then came back in full force to ruin my day/weekend. At this point it has to be the most painful thing I can feel from behind, including my time with Rob’s priest. Nonetheless, I will soldier on and do this TGIF to bring you some much needed end of the week entertainment.

That should be me on the truck!

A lot has been going on this week; it’s been rivalry week in college hoops, the GOP is having their CPAC conference, and Egypt just won their revolution. (Well, not really at all, but that old guy is done for!) I’m sure you’ve heard this sort of thing before but I’d give anything to be in Egypt right now. I desperately want to be a part of some sort of riot or violent protest. If I was there I’d have a camelback full of whiskey (see what I did there? Camels live in Egypt and I’d have to be discreet about boozing in a Islamic country) and I would get to flipping cars immediately. Seriously young people of America, there has to be some issue we can all get good and drunk about and take to the streets!

I’d venture a guess that most people don’t like getting out of bed in the morning. This is definitely true for me but it’s not just the waking that bothers me. What I really can’t stand is the same monotonous routine every morning to get myself properly groomed for work. Each morning I get up, stumble around in the dark and head to the bathroom. I try to shave as little as possible (fortunately I grow as much facial hair as Reggie Miller). Next I get the teeth brushing out of the way, my logic is you don’t want to slobber tooth paste all over your freshly cleaned face.

Then comes the shower, the centerpiece of morning hygiene. I go top to bottom. Wash the hair, and then clean my body from the head down. I like to think this way I’m not washing dirt from my shoulders back onto my already clean legs and wiener, which I’ll paw at halfheartedly while I decide whether or not to jack it. I used to wash my hair every time I took a shower, I am so glad I stopped doing this. I enjoy the devil-may-care look I get on the off-washing days and its saves a little time. If you do shampoo every time you need to stop. There is no good reason to do it, just ask any girl. A small disclaimer here, girls: It is not OK to pass up washing your hair after you work out. It’s gross, don’t expect anything but doggy style if you don’t put in the effort. And don’t you dare try and look me in the eye while we’re doing it.

I have been blessed and cursed with a luxurious main of hair. I used to let it grow like a majestic shrub but now that I’ve entered the professional world I can’t just rub a towel on my dome for a minute and be on my way. I have to style it in a way that doesn’t make me look like an autistic man-child. The thing is my hair doesn’t respond well to stimuli, I can get it to lie down and part it but after about an hour it just looks like I spent an afternoon hanging out in a wind tunnel. (Add that on to my bucket list right after rioting.)

As much as I lament doing any of the above a good morning routine does make you feel great and wakes you up. I suppose if I have to offer up my soul for a paycheck at least my body will feel fresh. Since we’re on the subject of hygiene let’s talk about pitting out. This happens to me pretty much daily; I could be wearing a tank top in the winter and BOOM, arm-pit water fountain. I used to be terrified of this when I was younger, now I don’t give a shit. Much like pooping, burping, farting, and ejaculating I’m not going to make any excuses for what my body does naturally. The real secret to stopping this is to switch up the type of deodorant you use every few months but that means you have to go to the store and spend money and you know what? Fuck it, I DON’T CARE.

What a typical Sunday afternoon looks like.

Alright team, I need to start thinking about what I’m going to do with my broken self this weekend. My number one goal as of right now is to find some clinical pain killers to mix with my other “medications.” Sentences like that make me feel blessed that I can’t actually see my liver. Go forth, make the most of your days off and if you’re like me, put that shower off til Monday morning.

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  1. […] I’m hoping that this spills onto the national stage (spoiler alert: it will!) and then everyone can get a chance to hang out in their respective state’s capitol building (BYOB). If you want to look at this as a partisan issue be my guest, but you’d be disingenuous at best. I say this because everyone that’s put a modicum of thought into our economic woes knows that step # 1 for reducing the deficit is to increase taxes on the top 2%. Instead the GOP would rather find ways to reduce pay for some of the lower wage earners in the country – public servants. So sure, if you think this is about fiscal responsibility and not one of the GOP’s longest standing pet peeves I guess that’s OK, Glenn Beck probably needs some new friends anyway, he’s building an army to fight off a caliphate or something. For the rest of us, those that don’t choose to ignore our country’s widening economic inequalities I say STAND UP AND UNITE. I swear to God this has nothing to do with my riot envy… […]



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