Baseball, Reminding You That Earth isn’t Awful

Would there be any Cubs fans left if they had to tolerate that team during a Chicago winter?

Two glorious things happened today. One: When I got off the train my testicles didn’t shoot up into my body like the head of a frightened turtle. Two: Pitchers and catchers reported. Spring is almost here, thank you Jesus. If you read this site regularly you know about our disdain for winter Some of us can only tolerate it by taking hallucinogenic drugs.

Finally though, the signs of spring are here, and there is none more enjoyable than baseball’s spring training. You’d think I’d be happier about having descended testicles but it’s actually nice not to have to worry about your balls danglin’ around. It makes my night job as a purse snatcher that much easier.  The surprised looks on those ladies’ faces when they realize their groin kicks are ineffective is hysterical. Sans balls, taking a kick there isn’t so bad. In the long run what’s a bruised taint when you’re netting an extra hundred bucks a week, right?

But enough about my purple taint, back to baseball. The great thing about baseball is that it survives in spite of itself. No game has had more scandal than America’s pastime. Steroids, gambling, strikes, racism, etc have all put their black marks on the game (well actually racism kept the black out of baseball, but you get the point).  Furthermore, baseball is boring.  If your team isn’t playing it’s kind of hard to watch. It’s slow, impossibly long, and most individual games are meaningless.

Baseball is loved so dearly because it means that the warm days of spring and summer have arrived. Would baseball still be popular if it were a winter sport played in domes? No, it would not be. That version of baseball only exists in a bizarro world where the teen suicide rate is 76% and a smile is as rare as a female orgasm. Those are SO hard to give fyi, am I right? Who’s with me? Just me? Damn. In the domed winter version of baseball, stadium organists are replaced with the complete Radiohead discography and everyone cries during the national anthem, but only because they’re clinically depressed.

Baseball works perfectly with summer because it’s a great excuse for people to be outside. I am a huge baseball fan, but as I said if my team isn’t playing I could give a crap. I cannot watch a random baseball game on TV the way I can football or basketball. But I will go to any baseball game.  It’s all about the atmosphere. Being at the stadium drinking beer and “watching” baseball is a blast no matter what. Even when watching Kansas City Royals do to baseball what drunken fat redneck women do to the brilliant radio singles of Shania Twain at a karaoke bar.

I love baseball because I’ve romanticized it, the same way so many other fans have. Without the beautiful backdrop of summer that wouldn’t be possible. Would the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel be as beautiful if it were painted in a truck stop restroom that smelled like pee and sperp (sperm and poop)?  Get excited for baseball, and get excited for summer. It’s all coming soon, until the inevitable March snowstorm makes you ingest a few more handfuls of mushrooms.

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