Yo Abe Lincoln! SUCK MY DICK!

A.G. Frick wants to put his wiener in this guy’s mouth

As I may or may not have told you before, I read a really cool Civil War blog. It’s called “Disunion” and it’s done by the New York Times. Honestly I’m tired of beating around the bush, I read a history blog written for the New York Times, I am way more fucking cultured than you, now respect that damnit! Are we on the same page? Great!

From the day Lincoln was elected he began receiving death threats. His electoral victory jump started the southern secession movement. In short, people didn’t like Abraham Lincoln. Today historians believe it was the primary reason he was assassinated, dismissing previous theories such as “beard envy” and “being a fugly, tall ass freak.”

Currently the blog is detailing Lincoln’s journey from Springfield to Washington D.C. to be inaugurated.  It quoted a few lines from a letter Lincoln received while on this journey. It was one of the more colorful pieces of hate mail Lincoln, or probably any president has ever received. To quote the blog:

Lincoln received an obscene letter from a Mr. A. G. Frick. It began, “If you don’t Resign we are going to put a spider in your dumpling and play the Devil with you,” continued unprintably from there, and concluded with “god dam a fool and goddam Abe Lincoln.”

Through the power of Google I located the letter in its entirety. Although it may be unprintable for the New York Times, I’m the kind of guy that would publish a picture of a dick with a dick tattooed on it. Obviously I have no problem posting it.

Without further ado, the best piece of presidential hate mail I have ever read (warning: it’s super racist):

Where to start? If you replace “Abe Lincoln” with “Barack Obama” this reads like a posting in a Glenn Beck fan forum.  You literally wouldn’t have to replace any of the other words, and definitely not the misspellings.

I tried to find the meaning of as many of these nineteenth century idioms as I could, but only managed to locate a few on the first page of the Google search, and honestly, who goes past the first page? Here are their meanings, or what I perceive them to mean.

we are going to put a spider in your dumpling and play the devil with you

Not entirely sure what this means, but judging by the language of the rest of the letter, I have to assume Mr. A.G. Frick is threatening to teabag our 16th president.

buss my Ass

Here Mr. Frick is instructing Abraham Lincoln, the man currently on that five dollar bill you handed to the Taco Bell drive-thru today, to “buss my Ass.” According to the Encarta Dictionary, “buss” means “kiss.” Mr. Frick just told Abraham Lincoln to kiss his ass.

suck my prick and call my Bolics your uncle Dick

He did not take long to top kiss my ass. No translation needed for “suck my prick.” It sounds less like Lincoln opposes slavery and more like he wore a Cowboys jersey to an Eagles game. Is it weird that I’m starting to feel a connection with this time period because some racist just told Abraham Lincoln to suck his dick? I mean, that’s how we curse today. I’ve told at least nine people to suck my dick this week. People then were just like us! You know, minus the whole supporting slavery and being super racist thing.

“call my Bolics your uncle Dick” is where things start to get a little harder to translate. The first thing we can deduce is that by “Bolics” he means “bullocks”.  Bullocks, according to the internet, means testicles. I could not however find any sort of explanation for “uncle Dick.” If I were to guess I’d say that Mr. Frick is telling Abraham Lincoln that his balls will dominate Lincoln’s mouth and face area. Just a guess.

who would like you

Frick wonders “who would like you.” It’s a fact that baffles him. It’s also a question a junior high cheerleader rhetorically asks the fat girl trying to fit in at school.

excuse me for using such hard words with you but you need it you are nothing but a goddam Black nigger

It’s nice to see that Mr. Frick can stay civil, maybe people were more polite back then. Oh that’s what he finished with? Never mind.

That was some pretty quality swearing on the part of A.G. Frick. More than anything it begs the question: Was Deadwood the most historically accurate show ever? This letter reads like the first paragraph of a treatment for a David Milch period piece.

Here’s what this letter would look like if it were written to Abraham Lincoln using modern curse words and contemporary spelling and grammar mistakes made by the barely literate.

Deer Misster Abe Lincoln,

If youre ass dont get the fuck out the white house im gonna shit in your mouth and fuck up your ride. you just a little bitch so go to hell and kiss my ass and suck my dick im gonna rub deez nuts on your fourhead and make you call me daddy you dumbass bitch. who the fuck thinks your tight because you aint. my bad for cussin prolly sound like a asshole lol but for real you a bitch and a goddam Gay faggot

peace

Zeke

I hope you got as much enjoyment out of A.G. Frick’s letter as I did. Horrible racism aside that is some entertaining ignorant hate mail. The weirdest part is that the profanity has a strange way of making you relate with Frick. Not in any of his views or beliefs, but as a person rather than some long dead Confederate sympathizer who spoke in poetic sentences.  It’s pretty clear there was nothing poetic about A.G. Frick. Final note, he capitalized “Bolics” (balls) and “Dick” but not god, not once.

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  1. […] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Rob Fox, Rob Fox. Rob Fox said: I break down a legit piece of hate mail in which a southerner tells Lincoln to suck his dick http://bit.ly/frHCws […]

  2. […] it’s my sadomasochistic tendencies, or maybe it’s my new found obsession with hate mail, but I’ve set up an email account for the blog.  Granted we get a commentator once every…well […]

  3. […] Now, I do feel the need to asterisk this most foolish assumption of all. In May 2009 the economy was nothing short of awful. The job market, to compare it to the Great Depression, was dryer than an elderly farmer’s wife’s vagina during the dust bowl (my apologies if you were looking for an intelligent historical reference, we don’t do that here)…. […]

  4. […] Simpler times indeed. It’s those strange societal differences (youth smoking, not racism) that make me want to travel back in time so badly. I don’t need to witness the Battle of Gettysburg or the signing of the Declaration of Independence. I just want to see a day in the life of people from a random day. As a history buff that would be my ultimate thrill, to understand the people I read about every day. It’s why I got such a kick out of that Abraham Lincoln hate mail. […]

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