Grand Old Wonderland
By Kyle Hanes and Nick Gerhardt
Down the rabbit hole of American politics, you can find the best representation of the GOP’s 2012 presidential contenders. What to make of comparing each GOP contender to their counterpart from Lewis Carroll’s Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland? Well, it’s President’s Day. So isn’t this ironic? A little too ironic, don’t you think? (Ironic because each GOP contender is trying to be presidential– oh, nevermind. Just continue reading.)
Haley Barbour as Dweedledee and Dweedledum:This is not a reference to his weight, but Barbour sizes up well as Dweedledee and Dweedledum. As Mississippi’s governor, Barbour was big enough to confront the state’s deficit. But, it takes a man of his weight (I need a thesaurus; I mean, character) to refuse to denounce a Southern heritage group’s proposal for a state-issued license plate that would honor Confederate Gen., and early leader of the KKK, Nathan Bedford Forrest. In fact, Barbour has a rather large history of missteps of racial matters. You see, this excessive racial fear is understandable when looking at Barbour through the rotund- er, broad- context of Dweedledee and Dweedledum. For those unfamiliar with the nursery rhyme of which the characters were sourced:
“Tweedledum and Tweedledee/ Agreed to have a battle;/ Just then flew down a monsterous crow,/ As black as tar-barrel;/ Which frightened the heroes so,/ They quite forgot their quarrel”.
Barbour’s presidential prospects have a monstrous, and black, problem.
Michelle Bachmann as the Hatter/ March Hare: Who better to represent those “mad” tea partiers of Wonderland, the Mad Hatter and the March Hare, than Michelle Bachmann? Seriously, it’s a match so perfect we can’t be the first to have thought of it (Note: the Tea Party Express asked Bachmann to deliver their national address after Obama’s most recent State of the Union). This parallel has depth, too; Bachmann is mad (Taxed Enough Already) and has shown genuine signs of madness (as in senselessness). Like the Hatter, Bachmann speaks in puzzling riddles with no answer. With Bachmann, it isn’t, “Why is a raven like a writing desk?”, but, “I think there is a point where you say enough is enough to government intrusion.…Does the federal government really need to know our phone numbers?” Like the Hare, she can be confusing (“[Gay marriage] is probably the biggest issue that will impact our state and our nation in the last, at least, thirty years. I am not understating that.”) And like the Wonderland tea partiers, she and the rest of the Tea Party are perpetually stuck in time (Tea time is 6:00 in Wonderland; Tea Party is stuck in 1950s, 40s?). And you can’t support someone to answer that 3 a.m. phone call when they think it’s always 6 o’clock somewhere.See also: Tim Pawlenty as The Dormouse
Newt Gingrich as The Cheshire Cat: You know how the Cheshire Cat appeared and disappeared throughout Alice’s time in Wonderland? Well, Newt Gingrich does the same thing with wives. This can’t possibly help him come election time.
So, why is Newt smiling? Does he know something we don’t? Does he secretly think that the present field of 2012 GOP candidates is weak? (No, this is common knowledge.) Is that knowing smile due to his experience as Speaker of the House in balancing the federal budget? Maybe; this is a timely political skill.
But, how long has Newt been a face in American politics? Maybe it’s time this pussy* disappeared completely (Because cats get annoying when they overstay their welcome. Nobody knows this better than Newt because he kicks women–sometimes referred to as, well you know– out of his life all the time.)
*See also: draft-dodger
Ron Paul as The Caterpillar: The caterpillar has an uncanny knack for confusing and misleading Alice with sentences spanning approximately four to five words. Most would appreciate such brevity from America’s confounding “Republican;” at least then, he would be saying nothing in ten seconds instead of three hours. In fact, Paul’s bully pulpit would be a lot easier to stomach if he belched it out between hearty puffs of his massive Wonder-hookah from atop a giant mushroom. You know his supporters would dig this “alternative” method to giving a speech.
In Tim Burton’s Alice, “Absolum” insists that they have the “wrong Alice,” then completely changes course right before she slays the Jabberwakke. Sound familiar? Ron Paul’s smokescreen–embracing GOP and Tea Party doctrines that run counter to his alleged (read: well-documented) Libertarian ideologies–conjures up images of Wonderland’s favorite bullshit-spewing oracle.
It’s probably a good thing Absolum never fancies himself as the all-encompassing sage/seer of Wonderland, because as far as I know, Glenn Beck has not yet declared his candidacy for 2012.
Sarah Palin as The Queen of Hearts: Just like a single playing card drawn from a deck, Sarah Palin is just another drawn from the Republican field with Reagan “likeness”. And just like the Queen of Hearts, Mrs. Palin is quick with aggressive rhetoric. If the Queen could tweet, she’d most likely type: “Off with his head!”
This is kind of like when Palin tweets “Don’t Retreat, Reload”.….
Both know a thing or two about death panels…..
And when they’re not causing a stir with their words, the Queen and Palin both enjoy using animals as game….
All the queen’s daughters and all the queen’s men
Never followed her rules when the queen wasn’t in.
I can’t say whether this short nursery rhyme-knockoff originated in the House of Palin or the Red Castle. Regardless, the red guard turned on the queen behind her back. They were fed up with her overbearing rule-making and the outlandish penalties suffered upon failure to adhere.
Meet Bristol Palin. Her mother hates homos, cheap clothes, pre-marital sex, and pretty much anything else without a rifle, white skin, deep pockets, or a chance at office. So when burgeoning Bristol repainted her own red rose and woke up one day with a baby inside her, it caused an absolute fire storm. Would the red queen hack off her own daughter’s head? Of course not, because it’s all the media’s fault.
“We ask the media to respect our daughter and Levi’s privacy,” Palin said.
Translation: “These roses are red! I swear to God these roses are Red!!!”
Mitt Romney as The King of Hearts: Like Palin, Romney strives hard to cultivate a Reagan-esqe persona. But just like the rest of Wonderland, he’s off-his-rocker “mad”. You see, Romney has a record of being a moderate (ObamaCare was RomneyCare before it was ObamaCare). He even shows aspects of sanity (Mormons can be sane). Although similar to the way the “moderate” King of Hearts exposed his true nature during the trial of the Knaves of Hearts, Romney has exposed himself as another flip-flopping politician. Yes, Romney is just as mad as the rest.
Oh, and by the way, this dude actually worships someone named “Joe Smith.” I can’t make this stuff up.
In 2008, Republicans chose McCain over Romney as their nominee. Romney’s qualifications are the same as they were in 2008, but maybe 2012 is the time for a second-rate candidate to become the GOP’s king.