Who the Hell is Still Sailing Near Somalia? UPDATE

UPDATE: The four American captives have been executed by the pirates.

The official U.S. Navy statement:

At approximately 1 a.m. EST today, while negotiations were ongoing to secure the release of four American hostages, U.S. forces responded to gunfire aboard the pirated vessel (S/V) Quest. As they responded to the gunfire, reaching and boarding the Quest, the forces discovered all four hostages had been shot by their captors. Despite immediate steps to provide life-saving care, all four hostages ultimately died of their wounds… During the boarding of the Quest, the reaction force was engaged by pirates on board the vessel. Two pirates died during the confrontation and 13 were captured and detained along with two pirates already in US Forces custody. The US Forces also found the remains of two other pirates already dead aboard the Quest. In total, it is believed 19 pirates were involved in the hijacking of the S/V Quest.

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Seriously? Who the fuck is still doing this? According to the Associated Press a yacht with four Americans on board was hijacked by Somali pirates. Does no one read the news anymore? The waters off the coast of Somalia have been an early 90’s Compton level danger zone for years.  Somali pirates currently hold 30 ships and over 660 hostages.  If you’re planning on sailing through the Gulf of Aden you better be packing something with a little more heat than Bibles (such as exploding Bibles). Apparently The Quest didn’t get the memo, as the hundreds of Bibles on board were of the non-exploding variety, advantage Somali pirates. So why would someone be stupid enough to sail near Somalia? Due to the large number of Bibles on board we can probably throw out the thrill seekers desperate for an erection theory.  Apparently The Quest had been part of a yacht race when they randomly decided to leave and chart a course to India.  But why they were there isn’t important. That they sailed into such dangerous waters without a plan is what needs to be focused on. If you insist on traveling through pirate infested waters, you have to be prepared for the inevitable nautical drive-by.  There’s not necessarily a certain type of plan that will work better than another, but there are several items and types of people you’ll need on board if you want to have a shot at escaping the pirates.

  • A Huge Gun– If you’re sailing out of a first world country such as the U.S. or Britain your ship won’t be able to be immediately fitted with the gun.  But you could always make a quick stop in Mexico to pick up a big gun. How big? Fucking huge. Don’t worry if the gun doesn’t frighten them though, they are after all pirates. Only sharks and sea gods scare them. When your yacht is inevitably tailed by a warship coming to your rescue, the sloppily fitted gun (that isn’t registered to your ship) will look like a pirate addition. What this will hopefully accomplish is the warship deploying snipers faster. Nothing is more inconvenient than being the victim of a prolonged hostage situation. You have places to go and people to meet, force those Navy snipers to take care of business right away.
  • A Shit Ton of Drugs– Preferably heroin.  While you’re in Mexico picking up your gun, maybe grab a few kilos of H too.  The thinking here is that not even pirates can maintain their renowned professionalism in the face of one of their favorite things, drugs. If you’re lucky the pirates will get absolutely blasted on heroin and be too lethargic to keep you hostage.
  • A Crazy Person– What kind of crazy? Think unsanctioned local militia crazy.  Head to a Tea Party rally or troll “Guns and Ammo” online

    The only thing this guy hijacked was the lane

    forums for someone willing to protect American citizens on the high seas.  His sole duty will be to hide down below while the pirates are boarding and slowly retake the ship over the course of the next few days.  Someone with a Jason Patrick like build and a propensity for disliking brown people is preferable.

  • Anything You’d See on a Yacht in a Beer Commercial– Could you weasel your way out of a ship hijacking by partying the pirates into submission? It’s worth a shot. What you’ll need is a ton of liquor, and just as many whores. Whether they’re actual prostitutes or just a group of sluts dumb enough to believe that A) they’re partying with Manute Bol and his family and B) That Manute Bol is alive, is up to you. When the pirates board just keep the party going, and make sure they join in. Get them on the Twister mat, direct them to the ice luge, and introduce them to your whores as quickly as possible. Not only would you get to party your way out of a hostage situation, but you’d own the rights to the next Adam Sandler movie.

One distinct advantage to dealing with Somali pirates is that they won’t have a kraken to do their bidding, as the legendary sea beast is native to the Caribbean. Don’t think that Somali pirates aren’t a threat though.  Either be prepared for an attack or be prepared for a lengthy hostage stint in a country that only has seven toilets, all of which are clogged.  Somali pirates don’t mess around, and neither should you.

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