Chris Hanson’s Got Nothing on Me

Disney Channel fans hard at work busting predators

I spend a lot of time on the internet. I watch most of my TV on the internet, I do all of my reading on the internet. Thanks to ESPN3 and MLBTV I even watch most of my sports online. It gets to the point where I start to think that maybe I should get paid for the things I do online. Anyone want to throw some advertising at this blog? Eh? Eh? No? It’s because of this isn’t it? Or this? This too right? Damn.

So if no one wants to fund a group of dipshit 20-somethings who write posts confirming the hopelessness of our generation, then how can I make money online? The best (see: easiest) way I can think of is busting online predators.  After reading this article in the St. Louis Post Dispatch I’ve concluded that I’d be perfect for the job.

Learning about what sized clothes kids wear wouldn’t be very hard, and like the article says the cops keep a cheat sheet.  After mastering how to pass what I assume are the perverts’ screening tests it’d be smooth sailing. If you can’t tell from reading other articles on this blog, I’m more or less a man-child. These guys want to talk to a boy? No problem, I’ll gladly laugh at some creep’s poop jokes and talk baseball all day. I just have to avoid bringing up Sabermetrics, unless they’re into boy geniuses. But I don’t think I ever want to meet the person who is aroused by both “Dexter” and “Dexter’s Laboratory.”

The article claims however that most pervs are trolling the internet for little girls.  Would I have any trouble posing as a little girl? Not at all. First off, I’m an emoticon expert :-p ! Also, i h8 good grammar neway lol.   But smiley faces and poor spelling alone does not some pedophile’s fictional online dream girl make. What makes me the ultimate authentic internet jailbait is my love for all things Disney Channel. I’ve seen at least 30 episodes each of “The Suite Life of Zack and Cody”, “Hannah Montana”, “The Wizards of Waverly Place”, and “Sonny with a Chance.” I’ve viewed “Camp Rock” on multiple occasions. I own the “High School Musical” trilogy, and have an encyclopedic knowledge of it. I already jump at the chance to talk about “High School Musical” with anyone I can, just ask my three or four friends who are as weird as me. So yes Mr. Online Predator, I think we can work this out.

Lest you think my fake 12-year-old is so 2008, worry not. I’m up with everything 2011 has to offer to today’s trendy tweens. Beiber is a no brainer, and I have an intimate enough knowledge of iCarly for creepers to feel safe inviting me to get intimate. I absorb tween culture like a sponge. I am confident that I could fool any pervert into thinking I’m a child who they can lure into a meeting. Below is what I think an online conversation between a potential perp and myself would look like. You’ll note my emphasis on objectivity and realism.

AND SCENE! As you can see that was a pretty expert seduction. I assume after the pervert gives his address a SWAT team swarms his home and peppers his genitals with rubber bullets.  I’m not sure, I stopped reading the article after I decided I was qualified enough to be an undercover sexual offense detective.

Please someone tell me who to get in contact with. I can work nights and weekends, I have no problem learning more about how to seem like a tween.  I also of course despise child molesters. Not only because they harm children but also because they sully the good names of honest, non perverted, childless, adult viewers of children’s programming.

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