The Most Appropriate Action Cardinals Fans Can Take to Keep Pujols in St. Louis
Recently my biggest problem has become the future of the St. Louis Cardinals. With the recent injury to Adam Wainwright, the three headed monster that is the Cardinals starting rotation has become much less intimidating. This only adds onto the anxiety that many Cardinals fans have about Albert Pujols re-signing at the end of the season. I think he will, but at the same time I don’t think we can take any chances. We need to take drastic measures to re-sign him, so I am calling for a suicide pact. St. Louis fans need to unite and together save our franchise from like 5 years of losing…well mediocrity, which IS losing for the Cardinals!
Here’s how we do it. Every person across America who says that they are a Cards fan will be able to show his or her true colors. If you think you are a true Cardinals fan than show up to Busch Stadium next week. Every person, regardless of age or sex, will put their names in a hat. I’m estimating something like 1.4 million people to show up, you know, only the TRUE Cardinals fans. Everyone bring a single piece of paper with their name on it, and it better have your name on it, NO FOOLIES.
We will put them in a giant hat. I think the Cardinals still have one of Big Mac’s post steroid hats…aw who am I kidding, he was on steroids the whole time he was in St. Louis. So, we get one of McGwire’s hats, and put the papers with our names in the hat. We draw 5,000 names. These people are to die if Pujols does not re-sign with the Cardinals. They are to die by their own hand, representing the anguish that all of St. Louis will feel the next few years of occasionally winning the division, a wild card here and there, and probably no World Series.
The best part about this is A) we’ll finally prove we are the best fans in baseball and B) Pujols will re-sign because if he doesn’t, this will be like “The Decision” times a thousand. Everyone thinks Lebron is a dick for going to South Beach and leaving the city of Cleveland in continued suckery.
People will be so much more pissed at Pujols. He’ll let 5,000 people die because the Cardinals wouldn’t give him an extra two years on his contract. Every time he puts on that Washington Nationals jersey, because lets face it, thats the only ownership retarded enough to give him $300 mil over 10 years, he’ll remember those that took their own lives, because of his greed.
The thing about this whole suicide pact, is that we need to show Pujols we will legit put bullets in our head and chug bleach to keep him a Cardinal. This is why we need to replace the first pitch of every game with a suicide. The pre game suicide participant will be made up of some of the biggest Cardinals fans. They will be that of legend. These will be purely volunteers, which shouldn’t be hard to find from the BEST fans in baseball.
They will be Kamikaze Kardinals, sacrificing themselves for the greater good. Every game Pujols and the rest of the Cardinals will get the message: “Cardinals fans are the BEST fans in baseball. AHHHH!” (Samurai Sword through stomach) Then the game starts with the blood of generations of Cards fans on the field for all to see and praise. I think that show every game will convince Pujols to stay.
You may ask, “can we afford to pay Pujols close to what he wants?” Let me give you another question St. Louis, can we afford to lose Pujols and let our moniker of the BEST fans in baseball be taken away, all because we wouldn’t commit suicide? I think we all know the answer to that one….which is no, no we cannot afford to not commit suicide. We were all called on as children of the birds-on-bat before.
We must cheer at every sac-fly, and applaud for hustle. Who can forget Jim Edmonds continually having bad positioning in the outfield only to continually make a sweet fucking catch, and then to be serenaded by the crowd as if he just rubbed his balls on Ryan Sandberg’s face. Now is our greatest test Cardinals fans. We must all ritualistically sacrifice a fan before each game in order to get Albert Pujols to re-sign. If anyones got a better idea please fucking tell me because shit has gotten real.