Charlie Sheen Exposes the Truth About Vatican Assassins

Another tale detailing the exploits of Vatican Assassins has been written by our own Domino Cortez.

Thursday February 24th, Charlie Sheen unleashed a rant of epic proportions. Charlie Sheen’s rant was a twisting jumble of arrogant and outlandish claims and crazed accusations…or so it would seem.  To the untrained ear Charlie Sheen’s rant was nothing more than the ramblings of a crazy, drug addicted actor. I’m here to tell you friends, that Charlie Sheen is far more than that.

When I first listened to Charlie Sheen’s radio interview with Alex Jones, I had rightly assumed that Charlie Sheen was just high. That was until I heard this portion of the rant:

“Guys, it’s right there in the thing, duh! We work for the Pope, we murder people. We’re Vatican assassins. How complicated can it be? What they’re not ready for is guys like you and I and Nails and all the other gnarly gnarlingtons in my life, that we are high priests, Vatican assassin warlocks. Boom. Print that, people. See where that goes.”

What Charlie Sheen claims here is not merely the assertion of a mad man, but in actuality, startling, Earth shattering fact. Charlie Sheen is a high priest Vatican Assassin, Warlock class. Hearing him admit this, and reveal the millennia old Vatican Assassin order to the world was shocking.

I am a Catholic, but not all members of Catholicism are privy to knowledge of the Vatican Assassins. Being an altar boy at my parish however, I was exposed to certain things (not those things…jerks), things such as Vatican Assassins. Whenever on mission in the area, Vatican Assassins lodge in local parish rectories. The nature of their missions required Vatican Assassins to rest on consecrated ground, for their own safety. As an altar boy I was often required to be a servant to the Vatican Assassins.

Vatican Assassins did not originate in the Vatican. The name was later changed to reflect their headquarters after the Papacy was firmly established in Rome. The order was actually founded soon after Christianity. Their mission was to hit the Romans as hard as the Empire was attacking Christianity. They were basically John Travolta from “Swordfish”, but addicted to hookers, wine, and narcotics (instead of gay bathhouse sex and aliens HEYYOOOOO).

Over the years their mission evolved into battling all enemies of Christendom. They were the secret leaders and soldiers of the Inquisition. When Hernan Cortes sacked Tenochtitlán he did so in order to secure the new narcotic derived from coca leaves to fuel the Vatican Assassins of the future.

The Vatican Assassins spend almost all their time inebriated and surrounded by filthy whores. To battle the sinners not only do they have to understand their ways, but they have to blend in with them. Vatican Assassins are incredibly adept at this, take Charlie Sheen for example. As we’ll detail later today, during his Vatican Assassin training he built up a superhuman tolerance to cocaine and conditioned himself to both engage in intense battle and take like 12 strippers to pound town at the same time. Few outside of the order of Vatican Assassins can pull off a 13-way, but for a Warlock class Vatican Assassin like Charlie Sheen, it’s all in a day’s work.

Unfortunately in my time serving Vatican Assassins as an altar boy I never crossed paths with Charlie Sheen. However when I was 10 years old I spent three days with one of his comrades that he mentions above, the Vatican Assassin “Nails”, better known as baseball player Lenny Dykstra.

Lenny Dykstra was the most demanding Vatican Assassin I ever served, but his résumé as an assassin warranted his demanding nature. This was

One of the great Vatican Assassins

after all the Vatican Assassin who exorcised the demons out of Daryl Strawberry, the player who had made a deal with the devil to be an All-Star. Dykstra accomplished this by addicting the Daryl Strawberry to crack-cocaine (the very same drug that keeps Vatican Assassins demon free).

On the second night of Mr. Dykstra’s visit to my parish I was forced to stay the night at the rectory and serve the assassin. He was in the middle of an all night coke orgy.  My duties mainly consisted of dividing lines of cocaine and checking the pulses of unconscious prostitutes. Most of them had only passed out from the sheer force of Lenny Dykstra’s love making. To call Lenny Dykstra a coke fueled jack hammerer of prostitutes would do the man a disservice. Lenny Dykstra thrust into that bed full of hookers like a hailstorm of comets raining down from the heavens and slamming into Earth.  His lovemaking was a violent art. As Charlie Sheen claims in the interview, you must love violently, Dykstra certainly did that.

Lenny Dykstra’s passion for drugged out whores was only equaled by the rage that overcame him when being interrupted. I found this out the hard way, but my interruption was warranted. As Mr. Dykstra was advancing as deeply into one prostitute as he did in the ’93 playoffs, I shot through the door to warn him that the demons he had been hunting were preparing to storm the rectory. They had found our location and intended to kill every man, slut, and child in the building.

Lenny Dykstra exited the woman, put a fist sized pinch into his lip, grabbed his weaponry and exited the room, there was no time for clothes. He grabbed me by the collar, pulled me downstairs, handed me a gold plated shotgun and said:

Listen up you little bitch. Looks like there’s about fifteen demons out there. I don’t think I’m getting flaccid any time soon so my brain ain’t got enough blood flow to take on this many of ’em by myself. Cover me and try not shoot my dong off.

With that Dykstra pulled out a giant medieval sword, covered it in holy water, and sprinted out into the parish garden, completely naked. I tried to provide the best cover fire I could but the demons were fast. Dykstra took down five before he was overwhelmed. Miraculously he escaped back into the rectory and dragged me upstairs. We barricaded ourselves in the bedroom as the demons forced their way into the rectory. Downstairs we could hear them raping and eating the priest sleeping on the couch. Lenny Dykstra turned to me and said:

Kinda ironic huh?

Why?

Nevermind…lucky you.

The demons found their way up the stairs quickly. Lenny Dykstra had prepared the room though. Our wall of prostitute human shields provided ample cover as we fought off our attackers. When things looked the most grim Dykstra summoned that most powerful Vatican Assassin power of all. Flaming fists. Fire shot from his tightly balled hands consuming everything in the room but myself. He had seen fit to shield me from the attack, for which I will forever be thankful.

When all was said and done the room was filled with 10 dead demons and 14 dead hookers (6 from combat, 8 from overdose). Lenny Dykstra was kind enough to assist me with the disposal of the bodies, in fact he seemed to be quite expert at it, specifically the hooker bodies.  At dawn Lenny Dykstra sent me home, thanking me for my service.  It was a night I will never forget.

Vatican Assassins are not a complicated group. Essentially they just snort, fuck and kill, in that order. But why Charlie Sheen sought fit to expose their existence to the media I will never know. I doubt it will have much effect on their operations. Vatican Assassins are an unstoppable group of coke fueled crusaders fighting sin, evil, and the devil himself. If the apocalypse were to come tomorrow, and the four horsemen rise from hell, you will find Charlie Sheen, Lenny Dykstra, and others there on the front lines of battle, ready to protect humanity.  Godspeed Vatican Assassins, Godspeed.

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Comments
6 Responses to “Charlie Sheen Exposes the Truth About Vatican Assassins”
  1. bruthabrew says:

    that was the most retarded thing i have ever read… way to go bud.

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  1. […] colleague Rob did an excellent job detailing his experience with the Vatican Assassin Lenny Dykstra. I too have a story to tell, one that I thought I’d never share for fear of death, but now that […]

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  4. […] During a radio interview between Charlie Sheen and Alex Jones, Sheen claimed “Guys, it’s right there in the thing, duh! We work for the Pope, we murder people. We’re Vatic… […]



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