My Time Living with the Vatican Assassins

The Sacred Seal of the Vatican Assassins (it's tatooed on all their weiners)


I'll never forget what happened in those walls.

My colleague Rob did an excellent job detailing his experience with the Vatican Assassin Lenny Dykstra. I too have a story to tell, one that I thought I’d never share for fear of death, but now that Charlie Sheen has shed light on the brotherhood I think it’s my time to come forward. I was born in Portugal, raised in a poor family known mainly for thieving and conniving. This is not a heritage I was proud of, so on my 11th birthday I began to travel on my own.

I spent time in Spain, then France. Eventually I headed towards Italy, inspired by Francis Mayes’ memoir Under the Tuscan Sun. I wanted to see the wondrously described countryside for myself. There proved to be one obstacle in my way, the Swiss Alps. While riding my burro high into the mountains one day I noticed what looked like a fortress, being exhausted and cold I worked my way around the rocky slope to the entrance. What I was about to discover would forever change my mental psyche.

I had just stumbled upon the newly constructed training grounds for the Vatican Assassins. As I knocked on the massive wood doors my legs collapsed from under me, the ether left me incapacitated for how long I do not know. When I awoke there were only silhouettes in view and a menacing voice thundered towards me, “Why have you come here?” I told them about my journey away from my disgraceful family and aspirations to see Tuscany. “Are you Catholic?” he said. “Nay, I know no religion.” I replied. “We may have a use for you yet as a servant.” And with that I again lost consciousness.

I spent the next 7 years tending to the upkeep of the fortress, all the while observing this mysterious group of men. It didn’t take long until I recognized some of the faces. Charlie Sheen, Kareem Abdul Jabar, and Jamie Lee Curtis were some of the most familiar. Though I was initially terrified with my predicament I soon learned to enjoy the company of my captors, after time we even became friends. It was during this time that I learned the true goings on of this brotherhood.

Every morning at around 5am I would have breakfast prepared, a meager portion of grits for each trainee and four lines of cocaine. The assassins in training would then convene for their morning sessions. The idea behind their secretive practices was that one must become immersed in sin, only after that would they be powerful enough to fight off the demons of the world. I often heard screams from the what they referred to as the Den of Flesh, I was never admitted into this room but Charlie Sheen once told me “Its where your soul goes to die.” The assassin’s world is one of never ending drug fueled violence; they were expected to fight over everything. Food, showers, even beds sparked hour long battles of body and mind.  I believe this is what Charlie was referring to when he talked about loving and hating violently; the saying was “Once you’ve assimilated into the mindset you’ll be forever changed.”

Everything they did was geared towards ‘winning’. This was more than just a word; it was the way they approached every aspect of life. One afternoon a raiding party was sent to Liechtenstein for supplies. When the assassins came back they were not asked what they were able to find, they were asked “Did you win?” A proud Axel Rose chimed, “You’re fucking right we won, the only thing I know is winning!” He then proceeded to insert his penis into the trachea of a severed head that he referred to as “Paradise City”… in good conscious I can’t get much more graphic than that.

When the men were allowed down time they often liked to spend it with ‘The Goddesses’. These were often women brought in by Assassin Polanski, when they entered they were called girls, it was only after the combination of pure MDMA and mescaline was consumed that they became the ‘Goddesses’. I remember they played a lot of scrabble and twister. They also had orgies. Crazy, upside down, on the ceiling orgies.  I sometimes wonder if they even remember those nights, Assasins learn early on the ability to use their minds to block out memories and heal their afflictions.

The most interesting encounter I had was during my sixth year at the fortress. It was at this time that the assassins were practicing the art of making their fists breathe fire, the final step in becoming a Vatican Assassin. This session was lead by the leader of the fortress and training program, Lou Reed.  He stood there motionless until suddenly what sounded like a gust of wind rushed by my head, the hands were breathing. Next, without a sound they engulfed in flames. Slowly throughout the room hands were lighting up in flames, it was one of the most beautiful and terrifying things I had ever seen. After everyone had returned to their quarters I took the chance to speak with Lou, I asked him how he got into the assassins since he didn’t seem very religious given his music. His response was concise yet poignant, “What do you think ‘Take a Walk on the Wild Side’ is about?” Not really that shocking.

On the 7th year of captivity I was awakened with a finger gently pressed against my lip. “Quiet young Domino, it is time to leave me and my Gnarlingtons, today is the day you leave.”

That’s that last memory I have of that place, my next conscious moment I found myself in a bathtub with what I assume were old ‘Goddesses’ and an eight ball of coke on the counter. I’ll never forget those years, they’re bitter sweet really. In the end I just want to say don’t look down on Charlie Sheen for his behavior, he’s simply a product of circumstances.

2 Responses to “My Time Living with the Vatican Assassins”
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  1. […] Charlie Sheen Exposes the Truth About Vatican Assassins & My Time Living With the Vatican Assassins […]

  2. […] boosting baseball’s ratings by 1000% Sheen could start to train himself to be an actual Vatican Assassin.  Of course the Catholic Church In the dictionary, next to "Gnarly Gnarlington", you […]

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