If You Insist on Getting Caught Cheating, Just Get Your Secretary Pregnant

Recently a news story aired in my area that caught my attention. It was the kind of story that local network news would cover. A topical story with a scandalous twist that had an appeal suited perfectly to the 30 and up viewers that local news aims for. The topic was “Did spouses get caught cheating because of Facebook?” Every person in the aforementioned “demographic” had to be interested in this topic. It peaks their interest by relating to them that other people their age are confused how to use the simple website and the story provides a dirty twist. Like that “SVU” episode where a girl was raped by her stalker after checking into a nightclub via Foursquare. If that’s not a real episode yet it’s only a few months away.

To me the story sounds hilarious. How were these men and women caught cheating via Facebook? Did their spouses steal their password and check personal messages? One or two probably did. The more likely scenario however is that these unfaithful husbands and wives were just too stupid to understand the website that their 12 year old child mastered in three days.

For every nosy wife that stole her husband’s password and read through his messages there were 10 husbands who had no idea who could read what on Facebook. I guarantee there was at least one guy who posted this on his mistress’ wall:

Last night was amazing. You were so damn sexy. Can’t wait to get you back to that Motel 6.

Actually it probably looked more like this:

Dear Lisa,

Last night was amazing. You were so damn sexy. Can’t wait to get you back in that Motel 6.

Love, Doug

Had to add that bit for realism. Of course “Doug’s” wife could read that because Lisa is a mutual friend. She’s a massage therapist that Doug’s wife goes to regularly. She recommended Doug go to her after he hurt himself playing softball.  It was clear the story wouldn’t have a happy ending after their third massage session did. Doug had no idea what a Facebook wall is, or who can see it. For all he knew he was sending a direct message to Lisa.

Chances are that the mistress and wife are not Facebook friends though. A more realistic scenario is that Doug was boasting to one of his friends via Facebook.

So I sealed the deal with the massage therapist. I told you I could get more out of that happy ending. She couldn’t stop blowing me. I’m going to pound that piece of ass for as long as I can.

Woops, forgot to add the two key elements.

Dear Mike,

So I sealed the deal with the massage therapist. I told you I could get more out of that happy ending. She couldn’t stop blowing me. I’m going to pound that piece of ass for as long as I can.

Love, Doug

Doug’s wife is absolutely Facebook friends with Doug’s friend Mike. Mike of course probably “liked” the wall post. Meanwhile Doug’s wife is wishing now more than ever that there was “dislike” button.

Option #3 is the greatest of all, and if this is the way a man gets caught cheating on his wife, he truly deserves his fate. Perhaps, while shitfaced off Michelob Ultra in his Motel 6 room with his mistress, Doug updates his Facebook status on his cell phone.

Getting a sloppy wet BJ from my masseuse, party on Wayne.

Sorry…

Dear World,

Getting a sloppy wet BJ from my masseuse, party on Wayne.

Love, Doug.

I assume all Gen-Xers make “Wayne’s World” references when excited, at least the ones cool enough to bang their masseuse. If anyone over the age of 30 is reading this blog, do not put anything personal on Facebook. It is possible to protect what you share on Facebook from unwanted viewers. But you’re more likely to cure Hepatitis than you are to figure out Facebook’s privacy settings. It’s for your own good. If you’re over 30 you should only be allowed to post pictures of your children, or status updates like this:

Sorry Denny…

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Comments
One Response to “If You Insist on Getting Caught Cheating, Just Get Your Secretary Pregnant”
  1. molesterol says:

    this needed to be said

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