An HP Laptop is to Computers What the Challenger was to Space Shuttles

Welcome to the first ever consumer review on “Life After Having a Life.” We hope you find it informative.

Hewlett-Packard, get fucked. Get fucked SO hard…and in an uncomfortable way.  For the last two years I have owned an HP laptop.  For the last year it has been quickly decomposing.  The other day it finally died. The thing was barely two years old.

Never buy an HP laptop.  If someone asked me for one piece of advice about computer shopping, ever, that would be it. Your money would be better spent founding a pen pal service for Guantanamo inmates.  Your time would be better spent tea-bagging garbage disposals. Your efforts would be better spent trying to date this man.  Only in Detroit…only in Detroit.

My HP laptop wasn’t just a piece of shit, it was a calculated piece of shit. All was well for the first year. Then, literally a few weeks after the warranty expired, everything started to go wrong. Overheating became a regular problem. The screen connection became loose and eventually only a clamp on the screen could keep it from going blank.  Then the battery died, requiring the computer to be plugged in in order to work.

Can you imagine trying to masturbate using a machine whose screen you have to constantly adjust while the damn thing’s vent burning your leg? All of this while making sure it doesn’t get unplugged. It was hell. Now I face buying a new computer, something that is going to cost me minimum $700.  More likely, because I can no longer tolerate living in this world without a Mac, it’ll be around $1100 (totally plan on lying to get a student discount).

A computer dying is one of the most obnoxious things that can happen to a person. Literally all of your information is on that thing. Music, documents, pictures, poetry (all of my beautiful prose, LOST!!!). Thank God I backed up most of it. A lot of the music is on my iPod and almost all my documents have been saved in Google Docs. However it seems the world will never read “Twas a Lost Flower in the Garden of Life”, my greatest poem.

My HP laptop tormented me for the past year. The one consolation I have is that I can now beat the living shit out this devil machine’s corpse.  Just like in “Office Space” I fully plan on taking my former laptop to a field and demolishing with a bat.  There won’t be anyone to hold me back the way Peter stopped Mike Bolton from further attacking their antagonizing copier. I will beat and rape that infernal machine until I pass out from exhaustion. I will disgrace its corpse in every way imaginable.

After I take out all my frustration with the laptop itself I’m going to fly to South Africa and steal someone’s AIDS medication. Then I’m going to smoke whoonga until my craps consist mostly of blood and my liquefied internal organs. Once I start consistently having what I’ve dubbed “zombie diarrhea” I’m going to put what’s left of the HP laptop in a box and fill the remaining space with said “zombie diarrhea.” When there are more of my insides inside the box than inside of me I’m going to tape it up and ship it to HP’s HQ. I assume it’ll be lost amongst 10,000 other packages that are very similar to mine.  They’ll probably be thankful it wasn’t a package bomb. Unfortunately I don’t have the resources to make package bombs (but maybe I could buy one when I fly to South Africa…hmm).

Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against PC’s. But HP I hate with all my heart. There was nothing special about that laptop. It worked for a little while, never spectacularly, and then didn’t work for the rest of its existence. I cannot wait to pummel it like a madman. Never buy an HP laptop. Save your money, put it towards hiring a hit man to kill yourself. Take that $700 and invest it in your local newspaper. Use the money to start a college fund for the child you suspect to most likely be the true antichrist. Spend it on a sculpture made entirely from hunting knives, and then have that sculpture placed at the bottom of the most slippery stairs you walk up and down on a regular basis. Do anything but spend that money on an HP laptop.

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