Huckabee v. Portman: Finally a Good Reason to Side with the Hot One

Even if I had no idea what the controversy was about, I'd side with her

Mike Huckabee, I used to like you, not as a presidential candidate, God no not as that.  But despite your belief that evolution was as fictional as Harry Potter (which I assume you also loathe) I thought you were a nice guy.  The kind of guy it would be fun to sit down and have a beer with.   But when you mess with Queen Amidala, you mess with me.

Yesterday Mike Huckabee, a possible 2012 presidential candidate and former governor of Arkansas, ripped Natalie Portman for…well for being pregnant. According to Huckabee, Natalie Portman was setting an irresponsible example for the youth of America by simultaneously being pregnant, single, and happy. Here’s the full quote:

You know Michael [the radio host], one of the things that’s troubling is that people see a Natalie Portman or some other Hollywood starlet who boasts of, ‘Hey look, you know, we’re having children, we’re not married, but we’re having these children, and they’re doing just fine.’ But there aren’t really a lot of single moms out there who are making millions of dollars every year for being in a movie. And I think it gives a distorted image that yes, not everybody hires nannies, and caretakers, and nurses. Most single moms are very poor, uneducated, can’t get a job, and if it weren’t for government assistance, their kids would be starving to death and never have health care. And that’s the story that we’re not seeing, and it’s unfortunate that we glorify and glamorize the idea of out of children wedlock.

You know, right now, 75 percent of black kids in this country are born out of wedlock. 61 percent of Hispanic kids — across the board, 41 percent of all live births in America are out of wedlock births. And the cost of that is simply staggering.

Let’s break this down piece by piece.

one of the things that’s troubling is that people see a Natalie Portman or some other Hollywood starlet who boasts of, ‘Hey look, you know, we’re having children, we’re not married, but we’re having these children,

First off, the only time I hear a celebrity talk about having a baby is when that celebrity is asked/forced to answer questions about said baby by the media. To my great regret I do not personally know Natalie Portman. If I didn’t see her picture on eight magazines while I was waiting in line at the grocery store to buy alcohol and tortillas I would have no idea she was pregnant.

When does Natalie Portman boast about being pregnant? What’s surprising is that the man who got her pregnant isn’t boasting about it. If I got Natalie Portman pregnant I would carve that news into George Washington’s forehead on Mount Rushmore. I’d give the baby a tattoo that read: Made by Rob Fox and Natalie Portman. I’d take years of art classes, sneak into the Sistine Chapel and paint it on the fucking ceiling. I’d go all “Astronaut Farmer” and rocket into space until I caught up with the satellite NASA sent out into the universe to make contact with aliens. Then on top the Vitruvian Man etched onto the satellite I would tape a picture of me in the act of getting Natalie Portman pregnant.

No one is boasting about Natalie Portman being pregnant. What you are addressing is Natalie Portman thanking the man who got her pregnant for that “wonderful gift” or whatever she said. Big fucking deal.

and they’re doing just fine’ But there aren’t really a lot of single moms out there who are making millions of dollars every year for being in a movie. And I think it gives a distorted image…

At what point did the Harvard educated actress compare herself to a single mother of two on welfare? Mike Huckabee attended Ouachita Baptist University. I don’t care where you could afford to go Mike Huckabee, or how many graduate degrees you earned afterwards. Undergrad at Harvard > Ouachita Baptist University, Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary, and John Brown University combined.

So no, Natalie Portman did not make that comparison, because A) that’s a stupid comparison, and B) she’s too smart to make such a stupid, asinine comparison. In fact the only person making that comparison is you (Ouachita Tigers RULE!!!!!!!!).

Also, you know who is painfully aware of the fact that there aren’t a lot of single moms making millions of dollars starring in movies? The single moms who aren’t making millions of dollars starring in movies. When those mothers see Natalie Portman at the Kodak Theater looking hotter pregnant than most of them would look if Jesus gave them a makeover in Heaven, they’re not likening themselves to her.

that yes, not everybody hires nannies, and caretakers, and nurses. Most single moms are very poor, uneducated, can’t get a job, and if it weren’t for government assistance, their kids would be starving to death and never have health care.

You mean the government assistance you probably oppose? You better get those pregnant freeloaders in some damn movies and off the Federal teet.  That’s how a free market capitalist democracy works right? I’m lost.

And that’s the story that we’re not seeing, and it’s unfortunate that we glorify and glamorize the idea of out of children wedlock.

Who’s glorifying it? I’m terrified of it. I’d be terrified of it if I was as rich as Natalie Portman. You know how I said I would shout it to the universe if I got Natalie Portman pregnant? I would. But as soon as I was done I’d be scared shitless that I was having a kid, even if it was with Natalie Portman. Call me a realist but I can’t find anything glamorous about having a child. There are a lot of positive adjectives that could describe being a parent, glamorous has never been one, for anybody. Even if you’re covering your child in designer diapers, that’s money that isn’t being spent on you. That’s not glamorous, that blows.

You know, right now, 75 percent of black kids in this country are born out of wedlock. 61 percent of Hispanic kids — across the board, 41 percent of all live births in America are out of wedlock births. And the cost of that is simply staggering.

Those are some pretty fucked up numbers. Now is as probably as good of a time as any (assuming those numbers are true) to say that somewhere amongst all this bullshit Huckabee has a good point to make. No, we should not glamorize having children out of wedlock.  The problem is that no one is glamorizing it, and if they are, it certainly is not Natalie Portman, so don’t blame her.

How do we stop so many kids from being born out of wedlock? Assuming it’s a two parent family a marriage probably wouldn’t help much anyway. Or do you get a post-nuptial raise at Quick Trip? Having two earners is the key.  So how do you A) try and curb the out of wedlock births and, if you can’t then B) how do you stop so many guys from being assholes and running off?  If unprovoked verbal attacks on pregnant actresses are your answer then you probably shouldn’t be the one addressing the problem.

In the end Huckabee is just pandering to his audience (which isn’t even big enough to win him a nomination by the way).  That sucks, because Huckabee’s audience sucks. The only people worse than politicians who don’t believe in evolution are their followers, people who ironically look as if they just crawled out of the primordial ooze.  Anyway, I respect your right to think stupid things, but leave Natalie Portman out of it damnit! Besides, you’re making more out of her real pregnancy than anyone ever did out of her fictional yet far more controversial Star Wars pregnancy, and that had the whole galaxy at stake.

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