Missouri vs. Kansas: A Biased, Semi-Factual Account of the Deadliest Rivalry in College Sports
Tomorrow, one of college sports bloodiest rivalries will take place once again, Missouri vs. kansas. While this rivalry isn’t as popular as Ohio State vs. Michigan, or Duke vs. North Carolina, I guarantee you its genesis is way more badass than either of those. I would like to explain how I think the rivalry came about and then debunk any stupid things kansas Cock Swallow (almost their mascot, not joking) fans may have to say.
I once saw a kU fan with a shirt that read something like, “kansas: Protecting America from Missouri since 1854.” Really kansas? You couldn’t even protect yourselves from Missouri, let alone the country. Or do you not remember what happened in Lawrence?
The rivalry began in the years leading up to the Civil War. Missouri, although a slave and border state, was technically a member of the Union. However many of her residents fought on the side of the south, which sucks because the south is, well…the south. But to be fair the people of kansas were such huge douche bags that being pro-slavery actually seemed better to Missourians than agreeing with someone from kansas. Look what you made us do kansas! Even abolitionists and northerners were only interested in kansas to help eradicate slavery. Without the slavery debate kansas would be as historically irrelevant as Idaho. There were many qualms and scuffles between the two states before and during the Civil War, however the conflict escalated in 1863 when a Senator from kansas (yes a senator, just like Harry Reid or Roy Blunt) took an army into Missouri. Once in Missouri the Senator’s army sacked and burned the town of Osceola, holding a farce of a trial for the men of the town, and subsequently executing most of them after it had commenced. Naturally, it was on.
Now if there’s one thing Missourians love, even to this day, it’s getting hammered and causing a shit ton of damage to whatever they feel like. Something that fuels the fire even more is when people from kansas think they’ve won something. Of course kansas thought they had won this encounter, because they’re a bunch of arrogant pricks. There were a few Missourians who disagreed, and decided they had to show kansas what was what. Their leaders, William Quantrill and Bloody Bill Anderson, were perfect for the job. Think of them like Chase Daniel and Jeremy Maclin at Arrowhead Stadium circa 2007. Old Quantrill and Bloody Bill got a gang of Missourians together, people who were as equally drunk and outraged by the arrogance of kansas, and decided they’d one up the Jawhawks. Boy would they ever.
I’ll try to explain what happens next as fairly as possible, but it will be difficult to NOT make the people of kansas look like a giant vagina pile. Quantrill and Bloody Bill rode to Lawrence with around 300 to 400 men. They proceeded to, for lack of a better phrase, fuck the shit out of that town. They killed around 200 people, most of them men ages 12 to 90, you know, the people who could pose a threat. The Missourians then proceeded to burn the fucker to the ground and pee on the ashes (I’m not sure about that last part but I like to imagine that some disrespectful urinating took place, among other things). Although Quantrill’s raiders and the confederates went on to lose the war, Missouri still won, because we were technically a Union state. In the end Missouri was able to burn Lawrence to the ground and still claim overall victory in the war. That friends, is history’s greatest example of having your cake and eating it too. That’s how Missouri rolls motherfuckers!
Things are more or less the same as today, in terms of fighting that is. When I attend most kansas and Missouri functions I almost certainly see two things. Missouri fans getting blackout drunk trying to drown years of sports failure, and then kansas fans trying their best not to piss them off, because they know they’ll get curb stomped if they do. So when kansas and Missouri meet tomorrow morning for what should be a great game of basketball, people in both states should remember: Missouri holds the two biggest victories in the rivalry. Sure Kansas has some national championships and the father of basketball, but Missouri burned Lawrence to the fucking ground. The Jayhawkers sacked Osceola, cool, there’s nothing there. Missourians burned down Lawrence, including whatever barn kU was holding class in at the time.
If that’s not enough for them, remember to point out that all kansas has is basketball. I’m not just talking about the University, but the whole
state. Their football team is Godawful, Missouri beats them in professional sports teams 5-0, major cities 2-0,and cool people like infinity-0 (Paul Rudd and Jason Sudekis< Brad Pitt and Jon Hamm). Missouri also routinely wins the overall Border War showdown which tallies all sports victories for the year. kansas fans might rebut this by bringing up the fact that Missouri was pro slavery. Missourians and pretty much everyone knows now slavery was wrong, we aren’t in favor of it. We also had one of the lowest slave populations in the Union, but whatever. Regardless, most Missourians today are not boastful Dixie loving morons. In fact there is nothing I hate more than someone acting like they have southern pride because of the Civil War. That’s like being proud of the Chicago Cubs. They’re losers, and so is the south.
Don’t act like your state is a bastion of morality kansas. Your most famous residents are Fred Phelps and his Westboro Baptist congregation, who are in all likelihood kU fans. Missouri was a (minor) slave state 150 years ago, you guys are super homophobic and backwards in the present. Plus you choke in the tournament like the town of Lawrence choked on Missouri dick in 1863. kansas can win the next 1,000 games but all I’ll have to say is this: Scoreboard.