Indiana Jones Franchise is a Theatrical Rorschach Test
I spent a good portion of my Sunday watching the Indiana Jones marathon that was on the USA network all day. Naturally I was really high and did a lot of soul searching in the process. What I realized is that you can tell what kind of a person someone is, simply by asking which Indiana Jones movie is their favorite. Take this post as an Indiana Jones horoscope of sorts. I won’t tell you which one is my favorite. I will simply explain the the plot of each movie in a brief synopsis. Then I will give an explanation as to why certain people like that specific Jones flick.
Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark: The first movie in the series, released in 1981 to high critical acclaim. The movie starts with Indy making his way through a South American jungle, stumbling upon a booby trap filled lost temple, inside of which is a great archeological prize. What does Indy do? He goes into that fucking temple and he gets that fucking artifact!
Indy’s victory is short lived however as a rival archeologist is waiting outside with a hostile local tribe that he has paid off. Then, just like a foreigner, he takes the hard earned reward from the great AMERICAN archeologist. Indy the escapes, barely, and returns to his day job as a college history professor. When he returns, some government agents inform him that Hitler is after the Ark of the Covenant and probably wants to use it as a weapon. Having his boner for museums aroused, Indy’s all like, “fuck that, that shit belongs in a museum.” With that the adventure begins.
First Indy goes to the Himalayas. He’s got to check up on an old squeeze of his, because (and this wasn’t clear to me, because I was so high and didn’t feel like looking it up) he wants to bang her and get a medallion that is crucial to finding the Ark. Indy gets there and everything going great until boom! NAZIS (like yahtzee but with an N)! They fight, Indy wins, gets what he’s looking for, and goes to some desert.
From here on what happens can be explained in short word bursts. Indy arrives, teams up with Sallah (dude in the fez aka Gimley from The Lord of the Rings, I just blew your mind didn’t I?). Nazis kidnap the girl (her name is Marion if you care, I don’t). Indy finds the Ark. Nazis take the Arc. Nazis try to kill Indy and girl by burying them alive. Indy and girl escape. Indy kills Nazi with airplane propeller. Indy steals the Ark back, gets the Arc on a boat. Nazis take the boat and the Ark (who knew Nazis could be so persistent), Nazis take the Ark to an island to test its power. Nazis take girl with them, Indy tries to take the Ark back, fails, gets tied to pole with girl while Nazis test the Ark. Some faces melt, Indy takes the Ark, Indy fucks the girl, then never calls, wins.
Raiders of the Lost Ark Horoscope
If Raiders of the Lost Arc is your favorite movie then you are adventurous, outgoing, young at heart, and above all, hate Nazis. Adventurous people like this Indy movie the most because it takes him to the most places, and has him in the most suspense. This calls to the outgoing nature of people as well because Indy asserts himself as a dominant man more than in any of the others. He doesn’t care that he fucked Marion when she was like 15 or something, he blames her for it. The young like this because it shows Indy at his most energetic. He fights a Nazi twice his size, lifts countless heavy tablets, and like all young people want to do, he confronts his fear of snakes by jumping in a fucking snake pit. If this is your favorite movie then you probably also like things like bungee jumping and coke parties.
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom: This is a prequel to the first movie, set a few years before Raiders. This picture starts with Indy working a mission in China. He’s trying to capture some precious artifact or something. Things go wrong and he fights a bunch of Asian dudes to the tune of “Anything Goes.” He recovers the artifact, the anecdote (because of course he was poisoned by the Asians), some whiny bitch (played by Kate Capshaw), and a small Asian child appropriately named Short Round (played by Data from the Goonies).
They flee the country and are over the Himalayas when their plane crashes. Luckily though Indy has a flying raft. After drifting down a river from Nepal to India they come across a strange looking Indian man who takes them to his village. Once there, the elders inform Indy that their sacred rock has been taken as well as many of the children from the village. Indy immediately realized the stone is the Sacred (some Indian name) stone of folklore. He heads for a local palace on what I can assume was a hunch. When he arrives Indy is greeted by a twinkie (yellow on the outside, white on the inside) man. Indy, short round, and whiny bitch are welcomed into the palace.
Upon sitting down for dinner the movie goes back and forth from Indy making comments in poor taste about the cult of Kali to the whiny bitch whining about eating monkey brains. It’s a different culture! Try to be more progressive and stop whining so much, bitch. Indy’s off putting comments land him in trouble in the form of an attempted strangling. After killing the strangler Indy finds the entrance to what I can only assume is the name sake of the movie, the Temple of Doom, or in translation, East St. Louis. Time to switch to sentence fragments. Some dude wearing a water buffalo skull is all like “Kali Ma” “Om Nom Shepa” “Kali Ma” etc. A peasant gets fucking dead all over the Temple via manual heart removal (which I believe would be X, B, Y, Y, Y, RT, RB on the X-Box controller for the video game).
Indy sees the stones, tries to take them, gets caught, so do the kid and the whiny bitch. Indy has to drink blood, becomes a cult member, almost kills whiny bitch (he was oh so close). Indy is awakened from trance, saves bitch, they fight a bunch of Indian people in a mine, then go on ride on a mine shaft. Leader of cult floods the mine, Indy almost dies but doesn’t. He gets out but is trapped on a rope bridge, fights dudes on rope bridge, wins, frees kids, returns them to parents with the rocks, fucks whiny bitch, never calls, wins.
Temple of Doom Horoscope
If the Temple of Doom is your favorite Indy movie then you are compassionate, keep current, enjoy the little things, but also might have a dark side. The compassionate people like this movie because it speaks to their need to do good. Indy does good in every movie, usually for the sake of archeology. This time however he does it for other people who are in need. The village needs their lucky rock to make rain happen. Also their children are returned from being forced to work the mines so that they can voluntarily work the fields.
Lucas and Spielberg wrote this when they were both going through messy divorces. This adds to the darkness of the movie. Dark people love that shit, and this movie is definitely dark. For fuck sakes a dude’s heart gets ripped out of his chest and children are slaves. It’s like something out of a Greek underage boy sex tragedy. Also if this is your favorite, you are probably German, since you aren’t the bad guys in this one. (Germans hate factual archeology, FACT). If this is your favorite movie you probably like the writings of Edgar Allen Poe and Unicef.
Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade: The last of the original three, this movie delved into Indy’s past. Maybe I should just sentence fragment this whole synopsis…I’m down, plus you’re probably tired of reading if you’ve gotten this far. OK here it goes. Young Indy finds guys trying to profit off history, gets pissed, steals artifact, gets chased by bad guys to a train, falls in several cars, one of which is filled with Indy’s arch nemesis (no not Nazis, but for 1912 Utah that would have been a funny thing to fall in on), snakes. Indy wins the fight but losses the war as he is forced to give the artifact to the bad guys. But he does find a whip and win a hat.
Now in “present day” Indy gets the cross back by sinking some ship or something and goes back to his day job as a professor at a college. Indy
gets a letter, dad’s in trouble. He grabs dad’s diary, goes to Venice, meets German bitch, finds a tomb with a clue. Some Italian guys in fezzes nearly kill him but he uses a ships propellor to his advantage. Indy and Marcus analyze the new clue, Marcus follows the clue, Indy goes to rescue his father. Indy and the German bitch get to a castle full of, you guessed it, Nazis. He gets caught but with the help of a revolving stone door gets away. Oh also he finds out that the German bitch is a Nazi (yet still more tolerable than whiny bitch). Indy and James Bond get out of the castle and try to escape by zeppelin. This fails so they escape by plane, this fails, so James Bond destroys a german plane with a flock of birds. They go meet up with Sallah (dude in the fez from Raiders).
They find the valley with the grail (by the way, they are looking for the holy grail, and thankfully it’s not Audrey Taotou). Uh oh the Nazis found the valley where the grail is too. They make Indy go through all the traps and shit, he makes it to the grail room. The Nazis come in too, American Nazi drinks from the wrong cup and dies, Indy drinks from the right cup, lives? Stick around to find out. He lives, and saves his father who got shot. German bitch tries to take the grail out of the temple, starts earthquake, dies. Nazis die, Indy doesn’t recover the artifact, subsequently loses? Eh, we’ll call it a draw, at least he banged the German bitch earlier. By the way did anyone else realize that him and his dad are wiener cousins because they both fucked Nazi bitch? Gross
The Last Crusade Horoscope
If The Last Crusade was your favorite Indy movie then you like excess (the good kind), twists, are practical, and are a good sport about things. The excess is easy to figure out. This Indy movie fucking has it all. James Bond, snakes hating on Indy, an actor who died before his prime, explanations into a beloved characters past, and a cool ass tank chase scene. You like twists because who saw that the German broad was a Nazi, I sure didn’t, and if this is your favorite Indy movie then you probably didn’t either. You are practical because this movie couldn’t disappoint anyone, it really does have it all. Lastly you are a good sport about things because this isn’t the typical Indy ending. He doesn’t fuck the bitch and save the artifact. Quite the opposite really, he is mocked by his Dad in front of all his friends. If this was your favorite though you don’t care because Indy did the right thing. You probably enjoy things like Church and your grandparent’s house. Probably Dan Brown novels too.
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull: I’m not going to write a synopsis for this because, let’s face it, you wouldn’t read it if you have seen the movie. If you haven’t seen the movie then I am not going to be the one that steals your innocence.
The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull Horoscope
If this is your favorite Indy movie then be sure to take an IQ test. You most likely have scored under a 70 on a standard IQ test which means you are legally retarded. This makes sense because if this is your favorite Indy movie then you are most likely retarded. You probably enjoy things like hugs and Chuck Lorre sitcoms.