The Diamond Thief Proposal

This pussy's got nothing on me

The other day I stumbled across an old high school friend’s wedding website.  He is currently engaged and is set to be married this summer. The wedding site seemed pretty standard. A place to blog, info on the ceremony and accomodations, etc.  There was even an entire page dedicated to the proposal.  The page shares both he and his fiance’s account of how the proposal went down. It was a sweet story, and of course the girl’s retelling was far longer than the guy’s version.

This got me to thinking, I wonder how my future fiance is going to retell my proposal on a site like that. You see, I find myself wondering this because I actually have my proposal all planned out. It isn’t specific to any one woman, but it is probably the most romantic thing ever conceived by a mortal man.

This, I imagine, is how the proposal will be retold on my wedding site, by whoever my lucky future bride is.


So one day Rob and I are walking down the street. We had recently found this great smoothie place we both loved.  We spent the last few weeks going there before our routine weekend trips to Ikea.  Furniture shopping had pretty much been consuming our lives ever since we bought our house.  So anyway we’re walking down the street and this van pulls up next to us.  Suddenly the side door slides open and three heavily armed men in ski masks jump out. This is where things started to get really terrifying.

As soon as the van pulled up Rob got really nervous, like he had seen it before. Then the door opened and those men came out. As soon as they did Rob tried to take off running, leaving me behind. Despite what he thinks he isn’t a very fast runner and didn’t get far.  The first man out of the van caught up to Rob and clubbed him with the assualt rifle he was carrying. Blood exploded out of Rob’s mouth as he fell to the ground with a glazed look in his eyes, obviously concussed.  The man who knocked him down shouted:

Where do you think you’re going you two timing faggot?!?

Meanwhile this whole time I am completely screaming my head off.  One of the other men grabbed me and started yelling:

Shut the fuck up bitch! Shut the fuck up! You wanna die right here? Shut the fuck up!!!

Then he put his hand over my mouth and put a handgun to my head. Rob was slowly getting up when the man who hit him before kicked him in the chest really hard. Rob doubled over in pain.

You think you can just run off like that?!? You think you can play us like bitches?

Please, please don’t do this. Please I wasn’t trying to fuck you. I just…

Well I’m gonna fuck you ese! I’m gonna fuck you right in your dumb ass. But first I think I’m gonna have a round with your girl.

Please, leave her out of this. Please just let her go.

Actually scratch that, my thieves are doing it "Point Break" style

You always like to think that if a group of armed men was mercilessly beating your fiance while holding a gun to your head and threatening to rape you that you’d be able to keep your cool. But stuff like that is just a heat of the moment thing, you never know for sure until it’s happening.

So I was crying and peed my pants a little bit and Rob was bleeding out of his mouth all over the street. Well it was about this time that people started to notice the three men in ski masks with assualt rifles holding us hostage. That’s when the driver of the van shouted:

Hey! Chico come on let’s go! People are watchin’! They’re gonna call the cops.

Don’t use my fuckin’ name Barry!

Don’t use my name dude!

Shut the fuck up! C’mon get these motherfuckers in the van.

As soon as they started dragging us into the van I totally lost it. No joke my life was flashing before my eyes. I tried to catch Rob’s attention but they purposely made sure we didn’t even make eye contact. Once we were in the van things got pretty hazy. They didn’t want us to know where they were taking us so they shoved ether soaked rags in our faces. They must not have had enough though because I was in and out the whole ride.

I remember them laughing about something but I couldn’t remember what it was. I was pretty loopy so at that point I had just assumed they were evil demons or something.  Again, it was the ether, I know that sounds silly now.

I woke up in an empty basement, Rob was passed out next to me. We were both tied to chairs.  None of the men were down there so I kicked Rob until he woke up.

Rob! Rob!! What the hell is going on???

I…it’s my partners. I wanted to leave the business and now they’re gonna kill me because they think I’m a rat!

Rob woke up a little bit, but he was still pretty foggy. Then Rob started shouting upstairs.

I ain’t no fuckin’ rat Chico! You hear me Chico! I ain’t no fuckin’ rat let me go!!!

Rob shut up! Shut up!

I was so angry at him. We finally had a moment alone and there he is calling the men who kidnapped us back downstairs. Plus I was really confused because Rob was in marketing. I knew he had just left his job but he said he had a good severance package and that everything was okay. Why would his friends from the marketing firm be trying to kill him? I thought maybe the ether was still messing with him.

Then Rob turned to me, a little more coherent than before, and tried to explain.

Baby. I…I lied. I’m not a marketer or whatever the fuck I told you. I was a thief.

What?!?! What are you talking about?

Before Rob could answer the basement door opened and the men came down. The mean one who beat up Rob started mocking us from the top of the stairs.

Who’s ready to die?

Fuck you Chico!

Rob! Shut up! Shut up!

I couldn’t believe Rob. He was seriously trying to get us killed. The three men came downstairs and they started grilling Rob about his severance package.

Where’s the package Rob?

I don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about.

I was so confused. I thought they were talking about Rob’s severance package so I chimed in, big mistake.

Rob if they want your severance package just give it to them! Who cares! It’s only six thousand dollars.

Six grand? Baby you are mistaken. Your little boyfriend here stole a lot more than that.

Stole? Rob you stole money from the firm?

No, not money. Your boyfriend here stole something else.

Where the fuck’s the diamond Rob? You wanna watch your bitch die today? You want me cut your fuckin’ baby dick off? Where the fuck is the diamond?

Rob started getting really angry.

I ain’t got the fuckin’ diamond! I don’t know what you’re talkin’ about.

Rob you got three seconds to tell me where the diamond is or I’m putting your girlfriends fucking face on the Goddamn wall behind her.

Then the mean guy put a gun to my head and started counting down from three. At first I didn’t think he was serious but after he said “two” he pulled back the hammer. I was like Rob hellooooo! Are you really going to not say something he’s about to shoot me! I was basically preparing myself for death when Rob finally said something.

Okay! Okay stop! The diamond’s in my pocket. It’s in my coat pocket. Just reach in there…you’ll find it. Just please leave us alone!

Rob what diamond are they talking about? Why do you have a diamond?

That’s a good question ese, why did you take my diamond?

Then Rob turned over to me as much as he could and started to tell me the craziest story I have ever heard.

Sweetie. There’s something you need to know. I never did marketing. Ever since you’ve known me, ever since I was nineteen, I’ve been an international jewel thief. These BASTARDS are…were in my crew. We stole hundreds of rubies, diamonds, priceless jewelry, and more from museums and collections all over the world. You know that business trip I took to Iowa City? I was actually in Zurich, I killed five people that weekend stealing a jewelry collection that once belonged to Genoese royalty.  The diamond they’re talking about, the one that’s in my pocket, is the most valuable diamond ever found. It’s worth hundreds of millions of dollars. After we stole it we were all supposed to get an equal share. But I had fallen in love with you. So I took the diamond and had it fashioned onto a ring. I was going to propose to you at Ikea, but then they showed up. I’m an international jewel thief, a wanted murderer, and completely fucking in love with you. I want to marry you. I’m sorry you had to find all that out at the same time, and in a dark basement with a gun to your head. I love you.

No one said anything for a minute, then one of the armed men said:


I didn’t know who he was talking to. Then he looked at me and said it again.



I’m pretty sure the man just proposed to  you. Are you gonna marry him?


The mean man with the gun to my head pressed the barrel harder against my temple.

It’s a simple question bitch. Yes or no. Will you marry him?

Then they ripped Rob out of his chair and threw him on the floor in front of me. They made him get up on one knee and hold out the diamond. Rob was pretty badly beaten and had trouble even keeping upright in his current position. Since I thought I was going to die in like two seconds I didn’t know exactly how to answer. But I figured I wanted to marry Rob anyway so I might as well say yes before some guy in a mask killed me and threw me in a river or something.

I…I…yes. Yes I love you. I wish we could get married. I don’t want to die, if we lived I’d marry you I swear.

Then everyone started laughing and the men pulled off their masks and they all congratulated Rob. It was a couple of Rob’s fraternity brothers.   Then the one that had been acting mean said to Rob:

Well are you gonna kiss your fiance or what?!

Rob got up and kissed me. His mouth tasted like strawberry jam, which he informed me had doubled for all that blood that was coming out of his mouth. He said he had taught himself how to swallow it and store it in his esophogas and regurgitate it when he needed to. No wonder he wasn’t being very talkative on the walk to Ikea!

As romantic as the proposal was I still ended up being in shock and had to spend two days at the hospital. We also had a lot of explaining to do to the local police. Apparently Rob hadn’t warned anyone that four people with fake machine guns would be kidnapping a couple off the streets. *Sigh* He never plans ahead. But in the end I was so happy he proposed to me and I’m thrilled that I get to marry the love of my life!


Yes, yes that is the most romantic idea you’ve ever read.  Just think, some lucky girl is actually going to get to experience this, The Diamond Thief Proposal.


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