Analyzing a First Graders Account of how to Rape a Present
This fine piece of literature was discovered at my job by a coworker. For some reason my place of business gets a ton of drawings and letters from kids, however I have no idea why. Maybe there’s a daycare in the building or something. Anyway, my coworker decided it had to be posted on his wall, and I completely agree, so I too share it with you.
Now in my expert opinion on misspelling, I think there are one of two simple approaches to this essay. The first being, that this child misspelled the word wrapping with raping and wrap with rape, as illustrated by this analysis on proper present covering. This seems like the most logical explanation for a normal child, but maybe, just maybe, this isn’t a normal child.
The second theory I have on this work is that the author, probably a child, possibly a trained monkey or mentally handicapped person, was trying to convey some sort of new product used in the act of raping a present. This theory in turn brings up several questions in its own right. First being, can one rape an object that cannot give or not give, or even conceive, consent? I’d have to say that raping an inanimate object is impossible, and the act of raping a present is simply having sex with said inanimate object. However maybe with a little Christmas magic, raping a present is possible. Let us not forget that in Christmas world, presents are living breathing things, eager to find children to play with them. Let us not forget the Island of Lost Toys. So is it inconceivable that these presents, with hopes and dreams, also go through traumatic experiences, like rape. I think its quite conceivable.
So, with Christmas magic the raping of an inanimate object becomes feasible and in my opinion, a reality. So if there is such a product used to possibly enhance, or make simpler the raping of an inanimate object, and this child knew about all of this, there can only be one conclusion. He is a fucking marketing genius. Seriously, just look at the product letter and it has it all. “First I get the raping paper and the bow, the card, and the raping paper.” Repi-fuckin-tition. Kids got it right off the bat. Did you not catch what he’s selling? Bam! There it is again. The next sentence seals the deal, “Next, I put the raping pape on the box and fold it.” Theres the product name right there, “raping pape” or maybe even “rape pape.” It’s fun, it rhymes, you have my attention. If I was a present rapist, I’d buy the shit out of that paper. The last line really shows where the kid belongs in the business of object raping assistance products. An innovator. “I tape the raping paper. Then I put the bow and wite who it’s to.” Personalized raping paper. Google just hired this kid. The childish writing and sub par coloring add the finishing touches of the near perfect ad, “How to rape a present.”
The only critique I have is that maybe this kid is wasting his talents in a very niche market. I think he could be utilized better in a bigger industry and bring in those big boy paychecks, even if he is just 5. You have to start small though, and who knows that better then a four foot tall, check minus student.
P.S. Domino, this is my official request for a “Dominos Doodle” of someone raping a present. Preferably a super graphic “Dominos Doodle”