Charlie Sheen, Please Don’t Stop Winning
I don’t like to beat a dead horse (figuratively that is, literally beating a dead horse rules) but I have to talk about Charlie Sheen again. This post is meant as a plea. Not a plea for Charlie Sheen to seek help, or stop his behavior, or consider his children. This is a plea for him to keep going, and to take this episode as far as it can go. All the fucking way Charlie! All the fucking way! You’re winning!
Charlie Sheen recently admitted to Life & Style Magazine that he was starting to lose his mind. He further stated that he’s “ready to call anyone for help.” Damnit Charlie, you’re not a quitter. What has all this talk been for? For nothing? Was it really just the cocaine? I thought it was something so much more beautiful. You are a Goddamned gnarly gnarlington. You can’t quit now. You’re so close to going further than anyone ever has.
Think about what Charlie Sheen could still conceivably accomplish if he stays on his cocaine railed track. He has the ability to release the most epic celebrity sex tape ever…EVER. Can you even imagine what a Charlie Sheen sex tape would entail? There would be minimum five women, all of whom are DTF not only with The Wild Thing, but also with each other. This tape would be more famous than the Paris Hilton tape. It’d be more horrifying than the surprisingly hot Chyna and X-Pac sex tape.
Charlie Sheen’s sex tape would literally melt faces. The kind of sex Charlie Sheen would have with those goddesses hasn’t been seen since barbarians sacked Rome. The emotions running through that room would be equal parts fear, animal attraction, and self loathing. It’s a good possibility that Sheen would be delivering one of his many rants while knee deep in goddess muff. It’s the kind of depraved, unbelievable “Sermon on the Mount” scenario that would make the antichrist just give up and go home. The sex would be so impressive that, if forced to watch it in a room alone together, the gayest man and most militant lesbian in the world would be making out within five minutes.
Charlie Sheen doing for fucking what Isaac Newton did for mathematics is the most anticipated of his yet to be had antics. But it’s far from the only thing the man has yet to achieve. Charlie Sheen’s tolerance for cocaine is, by all accounts, Herculean. Is it so out of the question that the man couldn’t perform epic physical feats after ingesting a blizzard’s worth of yayo? Charlie Sheen and his Vatican Assassin colleague Lenny “Nails” Dykstra need to hit up every baseball contact Dykstra has.
Eventually, as a promotional stunt, some minor league team will allow Charlie Sheen to play on their team, in character as Ricky “Wild Thing” Vaughn from “Major League.” Fueled by cocaine Charlie Sheen would reach 99MPH on the gun and throw a hitless ninth to earn a save. Then the team would ask Sheen to stay (they’re having closer troubles anyway). After a month of scoreless innings Sheen, who has not broken character this entire time, is called up to the majors. There the first batter Sheen faces is Alex Rodriguez, who in Sheen’s estimation is the exact opposite of a gnarly gnarlington. To show dominance Sheen throws the first pitch, a 98MPH fastball, and hits A-Rod square in the mouth, knocking out most of his front teeth. Sheen then rips off his pants, stares at a weeping Cameron Diaz until he gets an erection and does a line off his own boner. Sheen then quickly seduces Diaz and releases ANOTHER group sex tape in character as Ricky Vaughn (hair cut, glasses, and all).
After boosting baseball’s ratings by 1000% Sheen could start to train himself to be an actual Vatican Assassin. Of course the Catholic Church
would never allow him into the order…at first. To convince the Vatican that he’s worthy Charlie Sheen would have to infiltrate St. Peter’s Basilica, kidnap the Pope and fly him to Afghanistan. Once in Afghanistan Charlie Sheen leaves the Pope with Taliban fighters and then flies back to LA for a week for a quick bender. When the Catholic Church is completely desperate Charlie Sheen could agree to go back to Afghanistan and save the very same Pope he kidnapped and left for dead with the Taliban.
Instead of going in guns blazing Charlie Sheen infiltrates the Taliban and begins seducing all their women. Once he has the wives of several key Taliban members wrapped around his finger he has insane group sex with the women, all of whom are doing that weird high pitched screaming thing the entire time. Of course Charlie Sheen films it, using Osama Bin Laden’s camera. Instead of another manifesto being released to Al-Jazeera, Charlie Sheen plowing through ten Arab women in a room that’s floor is covered in Burkas is broadcast to the Arab world.
Once the Taliban fighters view the footage they’ll be too concerned with brutally executing these women to worry about keeping the Pope hostage. That’s when Charlie Sheen will swoop in, grab the Pope, and take him back to Italy. These heroics will compel the Pope to formally offer Charlie Sheen a position as a Vatican Assassin. He will of course decline, citing the vow of chastity. After impregnating the nearest nun for good measure Charlie Sheen will fly back to LA.
These are just a few of the things that Charlie Sheen is so, so close to accomplishing. Stay on track Charlie. We know that if you put your warlock mind to it you can succeed. It really won’t even be that hard. Just keep doing what/who you’re doing. The only difference being that you need to start filming it…and snorting cocaine like your heart will stop pumping if you don’t. Charlie Sheen can still do so much, and it’d be a crime to deprive the world the opportunity to witness these feats. So this is my plea Charlie Sheen: Do not stop, do not quit. Take this thing all the way, and don’t hold back. We all believe in you.