To My Neighbor

Man, I get it. Being in a relationship can be really trying experience, it really can. But seriously dude, you’re going about it all wrong. From what I gathered, you don’t actually live in my building. Anyways, your girlfriend (boyfriend?) lives across the hall from me. She/he has that fucking parakeet, cockatoo, parrot, whatever, it’s just that damn bird that squawks incessantly. Normally, when I’m trying to watch TV or a movie later at night. Anyways, what I understand is, you showed up unannounced at your significant other’s place. They weren’t there. You proceeded to cook a massive dinner in the hopes of creating some romantic gesture…. Too bad they didn’t show up.

Now, sir, keep in mind I’ve gathered this much just from you YELLING INTO YOUR CELL PHONE! In your apartment, behind a closed door and then it carried across a hall and then through my closed door.

But back to the issue at hand: your attempted grand romantic gesture. Dude, for all intents and purposes, you broke into someone’s (yes, you might spend many a night inside of them, but still) house, dirtied their dishes, dirtied their kitchen, invariably made their apartment smell. These apartments are all the same layout and all about the same size. Tiny. And yeah, your dinner you yelled so loudly, so forcefully about, that the entire building could hear, smelled delicious. But seriously man, you can’t expect to drop in unannounced, in the hopes your significant other will show up, then get pissed when they don’t. I don’t get it. Maybe I’m just not a romantic.

What I imagined you looked like, only carrying an arm full of groceries, but in a big sack with $$$ written across it.

What did you expect? “Thanks for breaking into my apartment, that’s the most romantic thing that’s happened to me since my 6th grade gym teacher.” No, dude. You’re going to get the response you received: A freaked out girlfriend on the other end of the line, who has no intention of coming home. And I’m going to guess that no matter how many times you say, “Bu…bu…but I cooked dinner,” she won’t care.

I’ll give you points for trying, but next time, if there is a next time, just take her to dinner. There are two really nice places within walking distance of where we live. Yeah, it might be sort of boring, but like you have found out, going for the unique and different can sometimes blow up in your face.

Good luck, pal.

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