If Anyone Can Get Through This Disaster, It’s the Japanese

The Japanese people have ninja DNA, making them more than capable of handling any adversity

After watching about eight dozen videos of the Japanese earthquake and tsunami, I’m not really sure how anyone is still alive over there. Only a country where everyone has at least recessive ninja DNA could have handled a disaster of that magnitude the way the Japanese people are currently.   The Japanese coast makes post-Katrina New Orleans look like the aftermath of a drunken slip-n-slide party that resulted in some property damage.  When something is labeled “the worst disaster in Japan since WWII” you know it’s awful.

“How bad is it over there Carl?”

“Remember that time they had two nuclear bombs exploded on them?”

“Yeah.”

“It’s like that.”

The thoughts and prayers of the thoughtless and (mostly) godless writers of Life After Having a Life go out to the people of Japan.  That said, I really don’t think any other country could handle this disaster the way the Japanese are/will.  That is in large part due to the fact that, although the Japanese earthquake and tsunami were worse than anyone could have ever expected, they’re used to it.  After all Japan is a part of the “ring of fire.”  It’s a region so tectonically active that if a sumo wrestler takes a huge dump it triggers a tremor.

Early on in the Japanese earthquake coverage I caught a video on YouTube of a Japanese family evacuating their home while it shook around them like it somehow got a seizure from the anime cartoons playing on the TV’s inside of it. Despite the fact that their home was vibrating so hard it could have orgasmed a giantess into next week, the family more or less calmly evacuated and ran out into the street.  It was clear they had done this before.

Again, a disaster of this nature will take every last ounce of effort and work to overcome, but the Japanese people were as prepared as anyone could possibly have been. That is of course excluding whoever designs nuclear power plants in Japan. I’m sure that guy’s sitting at home right now thinking:

“Oh, I’m sorry, when you hired me you didn’t exactly specify ‘build it so it can withstand the fucking apocalypse!’ My bad for not making your precious nuclear power plant able to withstand one of the worst earthquakes in the history of Earth! Oh I guess I was just supposed to assume that Mother Earth was going to have her worst period ever a few hundred miles off our coast. MY BAD!”

I know it’s going to be a long and hard road for the people of Japan, but it would have been so much worse for another country, or another region.  Take for example where I’m from.  Missouri.  Although not a known earthquake hotbed, 200 years ago the New Madrid fault line was the origin of an earthquake so powerful it made the Mississippi River flow backwards.  However there haven’t been any major earthquakes since then.  Needless to say we aren’t prepared for one.

Tornadoes are another story.  We get tornadoes all the time.  I had to sit through a legitimate tornado warning just a few weeks ago. I was awaked by these words, spoken as flatly and calmly as you can possibly imagine:

“News says there’s a tornado headed right here in seven minutes, get in the basement.”

Then I begrudgingly pulled myself out of bed and walked down to the basement, annoyed.  The tornado ended up not touching down near my house, but regardless, the possibility was very real.  My family and I reacted to that tornado like seasoned Midwesterners. The Japanese did their best to react to the quake like long time Pacific Rimmers.

However, if there had been an earthquake, my family and I’s reaction would have been much, much different.  As soon as the walls started shaking I have no doubt that this scenario would play out:

“AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHAWWWWWWAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!”

“WHAT’S HAPPENING!?!?!?!?!”

“EARTHQUAKE!!!!!!!!!!! OHHHH SHIT IT’S A FUCKING EARTHQUAKE!!!!!”

“WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE! THE GROUND IS OPENING UP TO SWALLOW US ALIVE!!!”

“CALM DOWN!!!!”

“I SHOULD’VE NEVER BROUGHT YOU CHILDREN INTO THIS AWFUL WORLD!!!”

“MOM I SAID CALM THE FUCK DOWN!!! EVERYONE GET UNDER SOMETHING STURDY!”

“WHERE’S THE DOG?!?”

“FUCK THE DOG!”

“OH MY GOD DAD’S HAVING A HEART ATTACK!”

“FUCK YOUR DAD! THE WORLD IS ENDING! THE END IS COMING AND THE LORD WILL RECLAIM THE SOULS HE HAS PUT ON THIS EARTH!”

“WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT!”

“HE WILL LIFT THE RIGHTEOUS UP TO HEAVEN AND CAST AWAY THE SINNERS INTO OBLIVION! TAKE ME LORD AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”

[Earthquake stops]

“… … …Is it over?”

“I don’t know.”

[Quick aftershock]

“THE ANGEL OF DEATH COMES NOWWWWWWW!”

Frankly, we simple Midwestern folk wouldn’t know how to deal with an earthquake. Sure we can handle a few giant towers of wind ripping through buildings and homes, but the ground shaking, however violently, just seems a little out of our league.  It’s the enemy you know I suppose.

Good luck Japan, assuming I don’t drink too much this weekend, or gamble away my money on March Madness, I’ll throw a few bucks your way.  Donate to Japan if you can, according to early reports the Japanese are receiving way less international monetary support than Haiti.  What has Haiti ever given us? Do you ever want to play a Playstation again? This is all starting to sound like a Microsoft conspiracy…they control Earth’s tectonic plates right? Or is there an iQuake app for that now?

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  1. […] process a riposte… But then there was the post that totally ripped my voice box out of its hide. Ninja DNA. That was fucking hilarious to the point of making super sense! Totally fucking made my day. As […]



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