WARMageddon 2011- The Official “Hot as the Devil’s [insert genetalia]” Scale
WARMageddon 2011 is in full swing. One thing you hear a lot when it’s hot out is something to the effect of “it’s as hot as the devil’s balls out here.” What’s always bothered me about a statement like that, aside from the fact that whoever is saying that has obviously never handled the devil’s goods, is that the statement isn’t quantitative. How hot does it have to be for it to really feel like the devil’s sack is being dragged across your face? And for that matter, what about the devil’s taint? What if the devil has a vagina? That thing would have to be an unimaginably horrible septic steam room. It probably has teeth too.
If people are going to insist on comparing the day’s weather to the private parts of the fallen one, then there might as well be an official scale. I present to you the standardized scale of heat in relation to the devil’s loins.
Hot as the devil’s nutsuck/balls/scrotum/etc: 85-90 degrees Fahrenheit
The lowest position on the scale. Anything below 85 degrees technically doesn’t qualify. Were you to hear someone complaining about temperatures below 85 degrees they’re probably from Canada or Maine and thus are a pussy. Satan’s scrotum received the lowest place on the scale simply because the testicles and scrotum hang free in order to keep them slightly cooler than the internal body temperature. Although the devil’s balls are considerably hot, they’re still technically trying to keep his little pitchforked sperm nice and cool, relatively. Why I’m not sure. One assumes that his jizz is utilized far more often for skeeting white hot sperm onto a sinner’s face than for reproductive purposes. Such are the mysteries of demonic semen.
Hot as the devil’s ass crack: 91-93 degrees Fahrenheit
Unlike everything else on the scale, this portion takes somewhat of a leap, abandoning hard science (if only slightly). Why? Because it’s debatable that the devil even has an ass crack. The goat legged depiction of the devil most likely has a goat like anus. If you feel so inclined to Google a goat’s ass (and really, why shouldn’t you?) you’ll notice that a goat’s behind is distinctly crack free. It’s all hole, no flash, if you will. But even though no one can determine for sure what the devil’s lower half looks like, I like to think that, hairy legs or no, Beelzebub has an ass crack, and that ass crack is hot as a mofo. Hot and sweaty. “Ass crack” is especially accurate when humidity is main driving force behind the heat.
Hot as the devil’s dick: 94-97 degrees Fahrenheit
You might be wondering to yourself “how is the devil’s dick hotter than his ass crack, or his balls?” After all the penis hangs just like the balls, shouldn’t it technically be cooler too? Yeah, technically. But that’s not taking one very important thing into account: the devil always, ALWAYS, has a raging erection from enjoying the constant torture porn that is living in hell. That erection is angry and coursing with his fiery lava blood. Simply put, the devil’s dick is hot as shit. But it’s a dry heat.
Hot as the devil’s asshole: 98-100 degrees Fahrenheit
The devil’s asshole is both hot and smelly. So it’s an especially applicable term when you’re suffering through the heat wave near a landfill or the sewage runoff of an area densely populated with ethnic restaurants. If it feels like the devil’s asshole then you do not want to be outside. That is unless you’re really curious about where the serial Tivo’ers of “Toddlers and Tiaras” will be residing for eternity.
Hot as the devil’s taint/gooch: 100+ degrees Fahrenheit
It’s hot, it’s humid, and it’s as sweaty and irritated as you are. Satan’s taint is a miserable, evil place, as is anywhere over 100 degrees. The taint is at the center of the devil’s body heat. His long balls are constantly slapping up against the taint. Friction plays a key role too as Satan is prone to dancing jigs on the burning corpses of the fallen. The taint is also where many of the devil’s hot, rancid sulfuric farts end up lingering (all that goat hair traps the farts). Drop Death Valley on top of Detroit and you kind of, sort of start to understand what the devil’s taint feels like.