TMFGIF: Thank Motherfucking God it’s Friday

Fuck you, fuck you, you're cool, I'M OUT

Welcome back to TGIF, I’ve got BIG news today! It happens to be the last day I’m working at this concentration camp of souls that is my job! That’s right, I’m hitting the old dusty trail. I’ll be moving to the Paris of the Plains, pursuing a worthless graduate degree and starting with a new company in about two weeks. In the mean time I’m going to grow the trashiest neckbeard/dirt stache I can and get faced. So while you’re thinking about how the work week is wrapping up and you don’t have to go in for the next few days I don’t have to go in again EVER.

Alright, so I’ll be discussing the finer points of quitting your job and what makes for a good last day in the office. But first, can we level with each other for a second? Like, be completely honest? I’m fucking freaked out about this whole impending financial collapse that’s due to happen next week. Now the more reasonable side of me knows that I’ll look back on this blog post and think, “Gee it sure was silly to think that would happen.” However my more critical side just hopes the world will continue to function with any semblance of normalcy after next week. At this point I just want it over. More taxes, less taxes, trillion dollar coins, I do not care. This thing is good for gin sales but not good for my heart.

Now I’m sure most of you have quit at least one job so you don’t need me to tell you how exhilarating it is. From turning in your two weeks notice to the moment you put your foot out the door and dance the dance of a freed indentured servant (I’m too white and polite to write “slave”) to your car it just feels great. I have not stopped smiling in days. What’s even better is once you’ve declared you’re leaving you won’t do any real work the rest of the time you’re there, and this is practically expected. I’m pretty sure that’s the reason it’s a two week notice instead of three or four, employers simply don’t want to deal with your smug ass coming in hungover and perusing the darker corners of the internet on their dime for the better part of a month.

So today is the last day. I’ve already read my card, ate the ice cream cake and checked out the R2-D2 toy (Ages 4 and up) that my coworkers gave me as a gift. All that’s left to do is execute my exit. As punishment for being the worst human I’ve had to work for I’ll be playing Slayer at maximum volume until I’m ready to leave.  The plan is to clock out and then make eye contact with my boss as I grip my desk. Then I’ll start barking while maintaining wide eyes and flip the desk while letting out a “BGARRR!” At this point I’ll cue a coworker to start playing free bird while I raise my hands in the air, fists clenched. Ever so slowly I’ll raise my middle fingers as walk towards the door and kick the glass out. Out in the parking lot Todd Haley will be waiting in a red Camaro convertible. I’ll hop in, give the Toddster a fist pound, he’ll be all like “nice work bro” and then he’ll peel out. At this point I’ll probably be leaning towards the back seat to do a line of coke off a stripper’s ass as my nervous best friend Cameron crawls out of the reclined convertible roof. . Yup that’s the plan.

I hope your weekend is as liberating as mine is shaping up to be. This may be the last TGIF post but now that the band is back together doing this blog shit I’ll check in every now and then. You know I can’t quit you.

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